In need of answers

March 31, 2010, I put my best friend of the last 11 years, Max to sleep.  He hadn't been eating for 2 days, seemed just lethargic and not his playful self.  Took him to the vet, and he had a football size tumor on his spleen.  Max was also diagnosed with cushing's disease 2 years ago, but a mild case.  The vet said surgery was an option, but did not recommend it.  I heartbrokenly made the decision to let him go that day.  By far the hardest decision I have yet to have to make, and I am a seasoned ER nurse---but this one just shattered my heart.  I haven't slept since then.  Can't eat.  Can't stop crying.  I did some research tonight online and it said 2/3 of the spleen tumors in dogs are malignant, but the ones that aren't can be removed and the dog can live a good life providing post-op complications do not occur.  Given Max's age and cushings, the vet couldn't give a good surgical prognosis.  But since i found out that information, I am now just in incredible pain, thinking "i just killed my dog.   i took him to soon.  what if it was benign?"  Can't seem to stop the overwhelming guilt I am feeling.  Just needed to get this out, because right now, I'm just torn to shreds over it.

[PrettyKitty1]

I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you are in right now. I understand how you feel. We all do, as we've had to go through that painful situation in which we've had to make decisions for our animals that are not really what we want. But your dog is not in pain anymore, and he is definitely in a better place. Don't torture yourself over it. I honestly think you made the right choice by putting him out of his misery. He lived a long and happy life with you and relieving him from the pain was all you could do in return to the favor of being your companion and loyal friend for so many years. It's hard to let go. But sometimes it is the best decision. Don't you doubt yourself.  Crying is good. You deserve time to grieve your dog. I lost my baby girl, a beautiful Belgian Shepherd, Shilka, over 10 years ago and I still think about her and get sad over her passing. But, try to sleep and eat because you need to be healthy. You are a nurse and you probably work very hard. In time, when you think it's the right moment you will adopt another pup who will bring joy and happiness to your life, and even though you will never forget your beloved Max, you will indeed feel better for having another amazing friend sharing your life.

Good luck dear. And again.....I am sorry. My heart goes out to you.

P.S - This post will probably get transferred over to the dogs community. Hopefully, so will my post.

[opus88]

I too am so sorry for your loss. Loss is hard to accept at anytime but especially when we are the ones that have to make the call and also when its comes upon us so unexpectedly.
Prettykitty said it all so beautifully...we've all been there and we all second guess ourselves over and over again.
I too worked with the dying for years in palliative care and like you saw death many times.....but it is so different when its one that is close to our hearts, the death is 100x harder.
Our pets are our trusted and loving companions who are there for us when many others aren't, they trust us to care and love them in return, and trust us to make the best decisions we can for them, for their best interests and you have done that.
You will grieve for a while it does get easier over time.
You will always have Max in that special place in your heart!
I am so sorry....RIP Max

[Jade59]

Oh, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I understand the second guessing as we had a cat who came home paralyzed one day and I felt so guilty after putting her to sleep after only 8days and thought maybe we didn't try everything we could.  I cried for 6mos.  I truly understand your grief.  

But now listen.  Try to believe your well informed vet that there wasn't a good prognosis due to Max's age and the cushings.  Also, the site you read said TWO THIRDS are malignant and that's a high number.  Max already had two issues against him and if you had gone ahead with the surgery MAYBE the tumor would have been benign, but likely not and between his age and cushings, I truly think you did the right thing.  A football sized tumor is very large and could have well spread out to other organs in which case, you would have put your beloved dog through a useless surgery and would have made his final days in pain.  You did the most humane and kindest thing by putting him out of his misery and he loves you for that.  

In case you haven't heard of the Rainbow Bridge poem, I'll print it out for you and hopefully it will give a small measure of comfort.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

[opus88]

all so true Jade, and thank you for adding that beautiful poem the Rainbow Bridge!!
It makes me cry everytime I read it!

[Jade59]

Me too, Opus.  Every time!

[PrettyKitty1]

Jade......you are amazing! Thank you for posting that poem.

RIP Max.