Who's thought about suicide?

[SG2]

I don't mean to ask to freak a whole bunch of people out and have you all react with 'Oh no, you don't want to do that!!!!"

I want a gut response, fully honest answer.  I don't know how to get out of this funk.  Usually thinking about my son will snap me right out of it, but not even that will do it lately.  He deserves a mom with energy, a mom who can do stuff with him.

I used to be his baseball coach.  I still am, on days I can be. But more days than not, I'm nothing but a **** poor sorry excuse for a human being.  I'm lazy.  I hurt, I have no energy to even want to shower.  And when I do shower, the spray hurts my body.  I get dizzy in the shower and throw up.  

What kid deserves me?  

I don't know what to do anymore.  

[sandy629]

  viva, i know the feeling  oh to well, thank god you  have your boy's  my children are grown and gone.  i have grandchildren and i believe they are my soul for staying. i wrote on here that chiari was winning and thank god fro this site coz it would have, the people on here gave me some hope. i wake up every day and wonder but that wonder turns into hope, i do pray  you find that hope

[selmaS]

  Hey Viv....talk to us....it is good to get it out and I know u did but we can not offer help if we do not know what is going on.....

We all go thru this...the depression is quite normal unfortunately.....now the bitter part...have no idea, and if u do not want to say on the public forum, pick a friend and send them a PM but talk to someone <3

[Viva001]

I wrote 2 separate paragraphs, which I deleted.  I'm feeling rather depressed---& bitter-- so best to not say anything.
TG for my pets.

[Sexybare]

I to sit home mon thru fri all alone. I have my kids off to school and hang out with my pets all day. No friends nor family visit. I know my purpose here is my boys. If not for them, who knows where id be.

[sandy629]

  wow 5 months later i see this thread, some how i knew i wasn't alone on this thought, i sit home by myself day after day, i sit and think of what was and it is totally different then now, no friends, my kids stay away coz they can't deal with me, i haven't been intimate in 3yrs, i haven't actually laughed in 3 yrs, im on disabilty where i worked 2 to 3 jobs, i can't afford anything, i stand in food lines, and i ask myself all the time  "why am i here "  like some one said " we are here on earth for a reason "  i'll let you know if i ever find out what that is

[Sug_97]

I can't say that the thought has never entered my mind...

I feel your frustration. Chiari causes so many problems throughout your body that it's hard for people to understand... shoot, it's hard for us to understand ourselves sometimes. We go through pain and fear of pain so often and for the sake of others, try to disregard it and press on like troopers; seldomly allowing ourselves to be human. Then when I'm down, I feel like I should endure more so I'm not such a burden on everyone and personalize the burden that I am on those I love, beating myself up for being lazy and not strong enough.

I wonder if there's a link between Chiari and depression (other than just the depression that comes from having a congenital, progressive, illness), especially since almost everything I've had problems with seem common to Chiarians. Sometimes I feel that there's little hope for my future and hate the impact it's had on those that I love.

However, the truth is that even though there's things we can't do, we need to be careful of devaluing the impact we do have in the lives of those we love. My kids are 20, 17 and 14 now and I've been symptomatic since they were 8, 5 and 2. Even though they sometimes get stressed over the burden that they carry having a mom with congenital, progressive, disorder, they help me because they love me and they love me for a reason. Even in our struggles, we have something to give. Sometimes it's just love or encouragement, but what they get from me as a mom is something that they need in their lives to be all that they were born to be and that's one job I'm not willing to let Chiari get in the way of... be encouraged!

[Viva001]

I guess im not surprised to see this topic come up again.  I think a lot of it is the physical condition.  I never cared much for the physical pleasures that other people enjoyed, like food or sex.  I used to be very skinny until I had a laminectomy and had an appetite for the first time inmy life!

Then there's the whole coping with Chiari burden, within the whole coping with chronic illness burden.  I have a therapist with a chronic illness, and even she doesn't understand Chiari; she thinks I should volunteer (oh, sure!).

Anyway, a heavy load, this illness.

[meguy27]

Hate to say it but u gotta actively do stuff to get out of it  I understand I been there dozens of times with the gun in hand I am now a Med  marijuana patient to deal with pain and meds for depression I even.got a.memorial tat for a family.member that succeeded

[linnielou232]

1st I want to thank you for coming to this forum with your worry of ending things.  I think you have saved others because of this thread, so this should show you already there is other purporses of your existance.  I have had this feeling also.  Mine was due to a med change which didn't make sense to me at the time, but I do know the feeling now and I never, ever thought of ending anthing.  I am a soul that feels we all have a purpose in the world.  I am a true believer which I know we all have different faiths, but it helped me get through.  I also was very open with my family, and Dr  about this feeling because I was never so scared and so confused in my life.  I couldn't comprend how someone could have these feeling.  This happened to me about 6 months ago and I was so scared of my thoughts I came out and talked to my DH about this.  The same night I had a dream of different sisuations and I was in them.  Guiding, laughing, helping.  So I knew and I still know we all have a reason to be here.  I also know the night I felt this way.  I opened up to all of you and without any of you realizing it with your responses brought be back to reality and the next day and the day after was such a better day.  We all look out the window each morning and we can see darkness or we can look future and see the light of our own hearts.  I have a loving and understanding family and at my time of this thought I never thought of what I would leave behind.  After being able to go to bed, get some rest and have those dreams of a better tomorrow.  With my faith and my dreams I helped them come true.  Always remember all of you on here.  We are here together to lift each other up.   Dream a bigger Dream, and always inmagine having a brighter day for yourself tomorrow.  We all have a purpose to stay here and eduacate others.  Not just having Chairi, but what it does to us physically, mentally,  It does help others.   I thank you SG2 for this thread and all to those who responsed.  It brings back the memories of the strenght that we get from each other.  What makes us weak will help us to be stronger people.  Sweet dreams my Chairian Friend.
Linda :)

[ChiariWolf]

It is one thing to be 'real' another to be special in everyones eyes. Too many times those that are all that, or think they are are the ones that attack.

Frankly, I personally feel CM and the effects thereof force us to be 'real'. Reality can be harsh but it's better than living in a fantasy land.

Thus, I appreciate you starting this thread. It's a subject that can be difficult to talk about because of fear of rejection or judgement. But you know what? It's healthy, for all you know the mental fortitude that it took for you to compose and start this thread could have saved a life.

So you just remember, you are worth something obviously. :-)

Thank You,
CW

[SG2]

I've also watched this since it's inception, and I guess I would since I started it..haha.  

And someone else said it perfectly earlier, I think it was bledpup.  When I am in the mindframe of thinking of suicide, it's quite obvious I'm not in the RIGHT mind frame.  Therefore, all logical thinking of who I'd be hurting worse by doing it, goes out the door.  In my mind, at the time, I'd be doing them a favor.  I feel like a failure.  Many days I can't even make dinner, shower w/out needing to rest on the edge of the toilet when I'm done, get my son ready for school, etc... you know how it goes.  And when I"m in so much pain that I can't focus...my mind doesn't go anywhere but "damn, I'm worthless to those around me and to myself.  They'd be better off w/out me."  

What's interesting though, is I chicken out.  My mind stops at the thought and I'm not quite sure I could follow through with the action.  Some times I do feel like I could get pretty close.  Especially this past week, especially today.  But I will do my best to just keep my head up (har har) and keep going.  I would miss my boy's face too much... In that way I'm selfish.  I hang on because I can't bear to let go.  I just want this all to stop.  Somehow.  

I really appreciate that this thread has not turned into an attack thread or a judgement thread and that people could share their thoughts and differing opinions w/out inflection of ridicule.  Thank you for that.  

Sue

[ChiariWolf]

I'll admit I've been watching this thread since it's inception.

Sorry, to not have answered sooner. It's just a subject that I try to avoid for what I'll call self preservation if you know what I mean. Yes, I've had those thoughts off and on seriously since I was around 13 or before. AT age 13 some things happened that made me fully understand how little I meant to my father. We won't get into that. But it felt as though my life was over so I drank a full container of Liquid Plastic Putty Thinner. Hugged my mother good night, which was taken aback by as dad didn't allow us to hug mom. But I still remember waking up the next morning... laying there... at first I was furious as I never expected to wake up again. Then I got very depressed that I'd allowed myself to let my emotions be so controlled by another. Frankly, that is when I first began to take the Bible to heart.

That doesn't mean it's over. No, on really bad days yes my mind does go there more often that I'd like to admit even to myself. A doctor told me one time several years back that everyone dealing Chronic Pain for a length of time 'will' at one time or another deal with those thoughts. She said the key is to remember that when it's time to get help, do it, don't put it off. She also told me that mental focus is often the key and even the person you talk with can only help you to change that focus sometimes that is all that's needed. Other times she said meds may be the answer but cautioned that with Chronic Pain the meds can make it worse as the pain depletes the same chemicals from our brain as what is missing from the brains of those which clinical depression. Meaning when the chronic pain levels are high the meds will help but when the pain levels come down the meds can make the thoughts and depression worse than they were to begin with.

So I guess it's kind of like pain meds with a chiarian. Due to the way CM effects our CNS we can develop a tolorance for very high levels of narcotics that will eventually cause death if not monitored. The levels of brain stimulants accumulate so they can be a mixed blessing or curse depending on the day.

Long winded again sorry....

CW

[TJay13]

I've thought about it many times but I think about my mother being devastated and my kinds being pulled away from my mom's side after my husband takes them away to his home town a place that my kids don't know and my sister and my brother and my dad that wouldn't be able to come to my funeral...... it will bring a lot of people a lot more pain than the pain that I feel because I rather be in pain than bring pain to them....... with that said let me just add that.I feel just like you about the lazy and everything it ***** specially because I work and my husband works out of town half or most of the month so I'm like a single and have been for years and my husband hates it it's almost ended my marriage many times even after I got diagnosed but he's dealing with our change of lives just like I am ..

[irislita]

I agree with u bledup.i never ever thought i will ever get suicidal thoughts...and told depressed people hey dont be so sad,life is so beautiful.
If u end up saying this to urself i can tell u...this is a one way street and people do consider their beloved ones...but people who actually do it must feel sooooo desperate that they do it.of course it is no solution and its nothing nobody ever wants to consider...but when u reach that point u r not a normal thinking person anymore...it must be u r literally tired of ur life...and as long as one hasnt gotten to this point...one is not able to understand....

[bledpub]

I have to say this...as someone who has been suicidal in the past, and even cut myself (not in attempt to die but in an attempt to stop feeling what I was feeling) thinking of others as an attempt to stop what you're doing doesn't always work.

When you are able to think logically, and be realistic about your situation, then you can think of your kids, spouse, and everyone else and realize that your death would only hurt them more. You can make that choice to stop what you are doing and try to use positive affirmations to change your course of actions.

However, when you honestly get to the point that you want to do it, your thought process becomes skewed. it doesn't always help to think of others. In fact, it can actually make it worse. When I was simply depressed or sad, I would think of my son and it would help. When I was actually feeling suicidal, thinking of him made me want to kill myself even more because it reminded me of what a lousy parent I was being and much better off he would be without me, since I wasn't caring for him anyway.

I'm not saying that train of thought is logical, but the feelings that lead up to suicide are generally not logical. Just as with any mental disorder, you're dealing with neutrons and crossed transmitters, and hormones that are anything but complacent and logical. You can't tell a person suffering from clinical depression to just "be happy" and you can't tell a person who is suicidal to just think about others. It doesn't work that way, unfortunately.

I used to be a family therapist and I dealt with others feeling this way every day. Before my son died (and by died, he didn't suffer from a long illness0I went in to wake him up and he was dead. There were no warning signs. I put a perfectly fine, healthy child to sleep and woke up with one who was dark purple and had died while I was sleeping) I thought I had been depressed. I suffered from abuse and watched in horror as several of my male friends were sexually molested in front of me as a child. I thought I'd been as low as a person could actually get. And THEN I lost my child and understood the feelings that go along with suicide a lot more clearly.

I keep a popular blog and it has more than 500 entries. Counseling did not work for me and neither did medications. Writing helped me, though. My husband's family got upset by it and threw all kinds of fits but my husband said that if it kept me from slitting my wrists then he didn't care what I wrote. It is important to keep that communication open. That's why I think a thread like this is helpful. Knowing that you're not alone in your feelings, and that you're not being judged, can be really valuable and help you work through things that you just shouldn't have to do on your own.

Ad Billy, you're right. it doesn't matter what age you are-we all deserve the chance to really live and live some more.

[billyz123]

  The more I have thought about this subject, a clear thought came to me... When I think of the hope that I might have a successful surgery, I think - I haven't even begun to live yet :)
   Reflecting on my life and the effect CM has had on it, I realize how hard it really has been and that has been depressing. But when I put all that aside and focus on the future, a life without the hindrance of Chiari, the clarity of a hopeful and bright future puts ending my life so far away that I can't even see it <3

[jiggle93]

Our family just lost a friend to suicide on March 27th, so for the last few weeks we have been trying to make sense of his death. This was a man that was full of life. He spent every moment with family and friends teaching them everything he knew. He lead many camping, fishing, hunting, sailing, and scuba trips. Even taking classes to become a certified master diver to be sure that when on their trips he was the one to teach and protect the divers. He remained friends with all of his childhood friends and was active in their lives. He was a friend to any one, and lived life to the fullest. I have never met another individual so full of life and love. He was the first one to lend a helping hand to someone in need.

So for a man that was so full of life to suddenly end his life at 54 has left our heads spinning. We learned that the last 2 months of his life he was privatly dealing with depression. His family spent those 2 months pleeding with him to get professional help. He did not get that help. And now his family and friends are left heartbroken.
I do not believe that the decision one makes to end their life can be an easy one. But I do believe that it is a selfish decision! My Great Grandmother found the body of her father that committed suicide at the age of 12. I have been told that she was never the same. I have an uncle that suffers with mental illness as well as a best friend. We have seen them through some pretty dark days.
So to say that I dont understand why someone would do this is not to say that I dont comprehend the act. It means that I have never felt the overwhelming pain one must feel to come to the conclusion that the only way to make it better is to end ones life. I truly believe that only completely desprate people that can no longer find another way are the ones that commit suicide.
So I urge all of us to stay open to verbal descussions about our feelings, especially those of fear, pain, and frustration. If we are not willing to let those around us know how we are feeling we rob them and ourselves the oppurtunity to help us at our lowest moments. We all suffer from the fustrations of illness and sometimes life in general. But if we do not allow others to know what we are hurting with, we are being selfish. So when we feel like we are hindering someones life because of what we can no longer do or accomplish in a day, please remember that just being in someones life is enough! Dont deny someone your love, spirit, life because of whatever is difficult in your life. If you do, whatever  is hard wins, and those we love are the losers. There is no second chance, this life is it! Find a way to share whatever you have to offer. Think of others first!
Jiggle

[bledpub]

I'm sorry. The past few days have been really awful for me, too, and since I stay up all night alone that time is particularly hard. Today I tried to go out for Easter dinner and on the way back I lost control of my bowels in the car. It's so humiliating. The pain is terrible in my back and joints. I am on Neurontin and while it seemed to work the first couple of days now it isn't. Most days, all I can feel is the pain and it totally consumes me. I read about other people getting sent to pain management specialists and being treated seriously and I get "take an Ibuprofen." I have taken so many NSAIDS over the past few years, though, that I now have bleeding ulcers. It's not  case of pain medication not being helpful for Chiari-it's a case of doctors in my area won't prescribe anything because addiction is so high. Heck, I had a hysterestomy and they gave me Ibuprofen in the hospital. A friend up the road had one during the same week and got a morphine pump. You know how much a hysterectomy hurts when you have EDS?

Anyway...

I feel you. I am very tired of living this way. On good days I can see around it and tell myself that it will get better. On bad days, it's hard.

[maurw]

Thought about it; tried it.  Want to feel like a total failure!
  I lost a yr of my life because docs were so fixated on a syrinx that I was completely paralyzed on my left side ( and begged for an MRI that included cervical spine and brain) before they found an "exploded" c/5-c/6 disc. The pain was excruciating. Couldn't lay flat, couldn't drive..ugh. (This syrinx; they insisted, was very common and no big deal)

I thought I was good after cervical discectomy and fusion (for all their fixation on the syrinx that neurologist said was common and he sees a thousand of a month). I woke from anesthesia ready to go. 2 good months followed and then headaches. Not my usual, bi-monthly hellish migraines; different. Just as mind-numbing, increasing to a now daily event.
Brain-fog...I used to have an unbelievable memory. I sat here 2 nights ago extremely disturbed because I couldn't remember my youngest grandson's name.

I am now faced with returning to the PCP and feeling like a nutcase, as though I haven't proven this, or suffering more.

I get up every 2 hrs, drink coffee, swallow 2 vicoden and 3 excederin migraine and sometimes am able to knock the headache back to tolerable.

I asked about chiari before they found the disc, after the syrinx was discovered, but I never got a straight answer.

Here is the real torment; I only recently started asking why I got "chiari" everytime I search syringomyelia. The symptoms of the syrinx just didn't track in my case. THEN I looked at chiari. The headache, brain fog, clogged ears, vertigo, memory trouble, sometimes "forget" how to climb/descend stairs.

After nearly achieving suicide after the misdiagnosis of an "exploded" disc, I can only imagine how these docs will bumble this new rash of symptoms.

I feel as though the neurologist simply lied about the syrinx, however ponder why these other symtoms and in 6 months time!

I am only 54 and take care of my elderly parents and a german shepherd dog who had 2 major back surgeries, a yr ago, that left him temporarily paralyzed (a herniated lumbar disc, if you can believe it...vet caught his problem instantly! He walks AND runs now!)

So I pose, to the rest of the community here; is this my imagination or is this syrinx possibly the result of undiagnosed chiari? Can the severe symptoms truly come on this hard and fast? Then the big question; if they missed a herniated disc to the point they did with me, what can I expect if I go back and say "Houston; we have a problem"..

Don't feel bad about the thoughts SG...even after failing...with the weird stuff I'm dealing with, it still crosses my mind. I just hug my dog and my kids alot...and pray for a lil' guidance with the new and disturbing symptoms. It's nice to find a place where others understand!

[SG2]

I just want to say I appreciate the HONEST answers on here.  

I don't plan to ever DO anything about the way I sometimes think.  It's just that there are some days I don't know how I'll get through the day and the next and the next and the next if they're all like this... but somehow I always do.  

It's just so very hard sometimes... the past three days have been the worst in a very long time.  Thank you again for all just being so honest and it ***** that we all know how the other feels.  :(

[AnnieDear]

What a question to encounter on this day. I know not everyone shares the same religious beliefs, but on this day I celebrate that Jesus was resurrected. He died so that I may live.

That being said, YES, I have often thought that my children deserve so much more than what I have become. But it's in those moments that someone will inevitably show me that I am still worthy and have something to offer. Or I will see where my condition has taught my children such compassion. They've been through a lot, and given up a lot, in the past 9 months. And yet they don't hold it against me. They love me. And they're compassionate. And I can't bear the thought of them having to live without me at all until they're grown and settled. And I believe that this HAS to be for some reason. So even when I feel like I can't possibly go on, I choose to fight. And maybe one day I'll have more good days than bad.

Know that you're most definitely not alone in these thoughts.
Here's to good days!
Annie

[bookworm79]

SG2 - The one thing I always asked myself on my worst days that kept me going:  

"What if I died today and tomorrow was the day that it all came together?  What if tomorrow was the day that the answer/fix to all my problems came...but I wasn't here to get those answers/fix?"

Might sound corny but that's always what stopped me from seriously considering suicide...I think it's probably a response indicative of hope maybe.

[bookworm79]

Unlike most of you, I have not had surgery.  When you're growing up, you fear cancer, a horrible accident, amputation, things like that.  Not Chiari, autoimmune issues etc.  But the combination of chronic pain along with an autoimmune issue that was bad back a while ago, made me a firm believer in the right to die and assisted suicide.  My biggest fear in life is that I will not have the privilege of choosing when, where and how I die.  

[Marybz]

I thought of ending this misery also. The only thing that stopped me, was knowing that my children would be devastated, and that I would never meet my grandchild (coming in Sept.).  I've always lived for my children. That was my defining moment, when I made the decision to have surgery. I'm recovering now, it is taking longer than I expected.  I'm older than alot of u all.  I am 4 weeks post-op (decompression, + laminectomy/laminoplasty).  In the future, I may need a spinal fusion. I can only take one day at a time.  I hope you all have a blessed Easter.