My Preschooler Hits @ Daycare

[Adsmom1017]

My son will be three in Oct.  He is really a good boy...I don't think he does anything "not normal" for his age.  He is very independent and is trying all the time to gain more independence and assert himself.  He goes to an in home daycare three days a week.  He's been going for more than a year now, with the same kids.  It's my friend's daycare and she has her two kids there as well, the same age as him.  He found out he ws going to have a new sister a few weeks ago.  Around the same time he started getting really aggressive at school.  Supposedley he has turned into a "bully"  "hitting for no apparent reason" and usaully the same kids.  He has never had an incident like this at our church nursery or anywhere else children are involved...NEVER!  So why is he now the mean kid?  On days when the crowd is low at the daycare he has no incidents.  I've also noticed when I go to pick him up the teacher's daughter has been making it a point to come tell me "what a bad boy my son has been."  I'm not sure what to do.  Pull him out?  Punish him once he gets home?  She gives him timeouts and is he gets too many TO's he doesn't get his treat from her at the end of the day, which is usually a sticker or a small piece of candy.  I'm so upset bcI don't want to think I raising a child that's the bully of his class!  

[mammo]

Six kids is an awful lot for one person to handle, and give them the attention, and one on one time they need.  My 3 year old grandson goes to an excellent daycare (not one of the chains) and is way ahead of other kids his age.  He loves to go, and always wants to hug his teachers goodbye.  I'm old school and did not want my grandson in daycare, but I have seen how wrong I have been.  He learns so much, enjoys all his little friends, and is a happy well-rounded child.  Your child is far more important than a friendship, and if she is a true friend she will understand.  In a normal daycare they are with children their own age, so they can relate better, and are all on the same emotional level.  Where your son is dealing with the issues of older kids, in his daycare.  There are 8 kids in his class with 3 teachers....big difference.  I would pull him now, so he has time to adjust in a better environment, and I feel this will also make him able to accept the new baby better.

[AnnieBrooke]

Six kids is a lot for one adult, especially when they are toddlers.  If she has more now, it's little wonder she isn't really watching and is putting him in time out and all.  I really would consider moving him, the judgment of the friend as to what it best for the kids sounds at question a little.  Don't give your son a miserable time because you'd like to be nice to your friend.

[Adsmom1017]

Thanks to both.  I have received the same advice about pulling him out from my husband and my sister, she has been a preschool teacher for several yrs.  My husband feels there is too much favortism as well.  I have just been hesitant bc he has been going for so long and I am afraid to change him right before the new baby gets here, she's due in Dec actually.  My siter beleives if I do it now he will still have time to adjust.  I guess I just want to give my friend, his teacher the benefit of the doubt, bc I know she cares for my son.  But it is different when her kids are there too.  Although, after August all the older kids in her daycare will be going off to school and she will only have about 6 kids including hers and they will all be between 2 and 3.  I have a lot to consider.  Thank you again.

[AnnieBrooke]

Ah, sorry, it was the teacher's daughter using such language.  Well, the whole thing sounds worse and worse.  It sounds like her mom is somewhat overwhelmed, and the daughter is vying for her mom's attention among all those kids, and your son is getting sandbagged by the kids who all want the caregiver's attention at some level.  The name-calling doesn't have to be from the adult for the attitude to begin to permeate the setting.  I'd pull him.

I'm considering not having my son return to an apparently very good daycare because they all shook their heads to me and said, "He *really* needs to be with other kids more," and almost rolled their eyes and stuff, like he was a big huge problem.  My son is an only child, but I've seen him around other kids, and his only problem has been shyness.  It sure is not enough to tut-tut-tut about.  My sister (very experienced in the ways of daycare) was infuriated for him, saying that a) "He doesn't have a problem," with firm accent on the "doesn't," and b) once the teachers get an attitude, the other kids do too, and the kid picks it up about himself.  

Good luck, try some of the places that are a little more commercial, maybe they will have better ways of handling your son.

[mammo]

I don't like this situation, and he may be getting egged on by some of the other kids. The daughter has no business running to tell you about this, not her place and her mother should be controlling this. You know that the mother is going to show favoritism towards her own, just not a good situation. I think your son may be retaliating against how he is being treated.  I think he would do much better in a regular daycare, where they are regulated.  You can visit daycares and see how things like this are handled, ask them all the questions you want before deciding on one.  Many now have it set up so that you can check up on your child via webcam anytime, all day long.  This proves they have nothing to hide. I also think this woman is missing something with so many time-outs, no end of the day treat...too much. So you don't want to add more by punishing him when he gets home. He probably wouldn't understand at this age why mommy is punishing him as he has forgotten what he did earlier, and he was already punished for his actions. I would pull him out, this just doesn't give me a good feeling where your son is concerned.  Your mother's intuition is kicking in and it's correct. I know it's frustrating, and I hope you find a better place for him.  Take care.

[AnnieBrooke]

I would consider pulling him out, not because of his actions but because of the teacher's language.  Telling you what a "bad boy" your son has been means she talks like that to him, too, and if he is acting out of anxiety about an upcoming sibling, the last thing for anxiety is shaming language designed to convince him that he is a terrible person.  

He's acting pretty naturally for a 3-year-old trying to cope with the advent of a new sibling.  His whole cozy setup is about to get shaken, as far as he knows.  I'd look for a place where there are fewer kids and a more knowledgeable teacher, and in the meantime, I'd have a LOT of one-on-one time for him, with you and your husband too.  That might calm things down.