10-Year Old Daughter has fear of being alone during day

[shininglight]

Our daughter is the oldest of three children (2 younger brothers).  Unfortunately, we had all of our children sleep with my wife and I when they were babies and toddlers.  As of last year, we were able to get all of our three children out of bedroom.  Unfortunately, it is not working with our daughter since she is afraid to be by herself at night.  We have been very disciplined in keeping her out of our room, but she has been successful in getting our compliant middle son (7 years old) to sleep with her or she sleeps in the same bed with one of her two younger brothers.  During the day, she does not like to go upstairs by herself or she doesn't like to take a shower alone.  She normally likes to have someone in the same room as her.  It is not all of the time during the day, but it happens quite often.  She does well in school, plays sports, and has friends. The only issue we have with her is that she is very strong willed and disrespectful at times.  She has verbalized some of her fears to us.  She is afraid of being taken and she has asked us, on occasion, to check the house to see if anyone is inside during the night.  We have told her that our house has an alarm and that we live in a safe neighborhood and we have as many lights on as she wants.  Since she is afraid during the day, I am not sure if the issue is just related to sleeping alone, but more to do with an irrational fear.  Should we try to prevent her from sleeping with her brothers and go through this turmoil or should we immediately speak to a child therapists to focus on the irrational fear and how it relates to the sleeping alone problem?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This is a form of separation anxiety disorder and your daughter's symptoms are typical of many children who display this condition. If her siblings do not object to the sleeping arrangement, for now it really doen't have to be addressed by setting any limits or by disciplining her. Generally this aspect of the condition goes away as the children develop, though only time will tell. By all means set limits and discipline her for oppositional and disrespectful behavior. Her anxiety disorder needn't even be considered when you address those aspects of her behavior. Overall she appears to be functioning well, so therapy isn't a compelling need. However, I endorse the notion of seeking an evaluation and see what the clinician thinks. Sometimes children who display anxiety disorders reveal only a portion of their worries and keep other aspects hidden and suffer quietly in ways we don't expect.

[woofytoyou]

I would say she has quite a fear phobia happening, and this fear seems to be  manifesting  in OTHER  ways and deeper into many issues over time.  I would say take her to a professional to find out the root cause(s). How to deal with the original separation anxiety, and before it grows too deep and large.

I wouldn't just pass this off as a phase,it seems pretty serious as it is affecting her and the family so much.
woofytoyou.

[Mich4226]

I have a 9 yr old who displays some of the same charateristics. Not so much with taking showers alone or going into another part of the house alone anymore, but she does still have a real fear of the dangers in the outside world. She told me once that she hides in the bushes if she see's another car drive by slowly so they dont see her(we live on a curve so ALL cars drive by slow!). To a degree, I have wondered if it was an abnormal level of fear. But I have come to the conclusion that she is unfortunately exposed to daily news and T.V and all other sorts of negative fearful ideas and issues that she can't help but wonder and fear that it could all happen to her. We had a sexual predator move one street over and when I told her about him, she lost it and literally begged me to move. She didn't ever want to go out of the house for the longest time. I too remember having serious issues about the same kind of fears when I was young to the point where I would check under my bed, in my closet, behind my door every night before bed just to make sure someone wasn't hiding there. After talking to several of my female co-workers, it seems that is pretty common for a young girl. I wouldn't worry too much just yet. Perhaps you should start making her do little things that she fears (start out small) just to get her to venture out of her comfort zone a little. (like making her go upstairs to get something, etc)Then, move on to something else when she is confortable with that. It is definitely true that in order to conquer our fears, we have to face them. But because she is only 10, her reasoning skills may not be able to grasp the concept of that yet. Good luck.

[msd1620]

Please get your child help now.  I am a college educated 27 year old female who had the same symptoms as your daughter as a child and am still suffering from them as an adult, even though I know my fear is irrational.  I cannot be alone in my house at night.  When my husband works late, I drive around becuase I am so afraid to go in my house alone.  I cannot take a shower in my house alone.  I look under every bed and closet contantly.  I have a twin sister whom I had never been apart from until the past few years and now my husband has taken her place.  Please get your child help now, I am looking for myself now.