10 year old afraid to sleep by herself

[alexsmom44]

My daughter, who will be 10 in October, has recently had difficulty falling asleep and if she does wake up, wants to come & sleep on my floor with me & my husband. She gets very upset and refuses to sleep in her room. She gets so upset that she is almost hysterical & then starts getting very "mouthy" and disrespectful which send her dad over the edge. She'll then tell him that she hates him and say "no" I won't go back in my room. She also insists on sleeping with several night lights, a small lamp & a radio. We don't know how to get her to stay in her room & go back to sleep when she wakes up. She did this when she was about 4 years old and we let her sleep on our floor for about 9 months but want to put a stop to this now. She has always been very attached to me (her mom) and still cries at age 9 if I go out to dinner with friends. I always feel guilty when I go out and feel under pressure to return home ASAP.   We just don't know how to deal with her - her dad thinks she should be afraid to come into our room but fear of punishment doesn't seem to affect her. Also, she is very "mouthy" in general - not very compliant at all and this is a concern too. She is not that way at school so I know that it is something we're doing / not doing. She gets very belligerant & upset if things don't go her way or she doesn't get to do something she wants. HELP!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It sounds like your daughter displays some separation anxiety, compunded by some 'bad habits' in the parent/child interactions. There is no problem with the night lights, lamp, etc., but you definitely should not defer to her wish to sleep in your room. Be faithful to the plan of returning her to her room. Punishment is not a good idea in managing this sort of behavior/situation, but do be firm about your limits. Remember that you accomodated her for some months when she was younger, so it's understandable she'll hold out that you'll do the same thing again. Relative to her overall behavior, particularly her oppositionality, a systematic response is the most effective way to respond. Two things might be useful to you: (a) employ a consistent behavior management plan; you can find a very good one in Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents; (b) arrange a consult with a mental health professional who can evaluate your daughter and guide you.

[Kadensmom]

I'm having a similar problem with my 4 year old. It's mostly my fault, well all my fault. He's been sleeping with me since he's a newborn and so did my oldest son; until he was four. We had problems getting my oldest to bed but not nearly as bad as this one. He screams everynight at bedtime; he's telling me that he is scared but he can not come up with anything when asked "what are you scared of?" Then the other night he told me it was his dreams ; he has scary dreams. His dad had the same problem when he was a kid ;bad dreams and sleepwalking. Could this have been passed down to my son. I noticed he was crying in his sleep and sleep walking the other night. I have not slept in a few weeks, and I get angry at him and I know it's not all his fault but I need to sleep!!!! what can i do?

[woofytoyou]

Building a child's self esteem and autonomy is what it is all about.  We do so much for our child thinking that is over the top and making it 'nice'.  But what happens is the child becomes over dependent on the parents, usually the mom, and they react by fears, insecurities, low self esteem issues, and allow the parents no space -at all.  Disrespect increases as they sense the parents seem to act helpless, defenseless to what is happening.  Who is in control really here? The child.
I would say read "how to talk so kids will Listen & Listen so
kids will talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  AMAZING life changes will happen to your family; you will take back control, establish loving boundaries, and the book will inspire cooperation from children, as they will feel that they are being heard, you will help your child attain a positive self image and great self esteem.
They don't feel understood.  Don't advise kids.  Reflect their feelings, Say back to them how they are feeling.  This is important.  No snap answers when they ask questions.  Let them figure it out.  'I can hear how angry you are'....  
'I bet you felt like.....'  'It must have been hard....'
these little hints offered in the book will make you realize how we always want to minimize them, dis them, kid of be in control.  This book will change your whole outlook and your childs.
woofytoyou