10 year old hates school

[Tammy]

Hello, I need some help here. My son has never really liked school. He doesn't seem to have a learning disability he is about a C+ average student, although he does have trouble printing(fine motor and his teacher is helping with that.  

Up until this year it was always easy to deal with. But he is getting smarter.  He dislikes school so much that he has developed stomach problems.  (He has been to the family doc who diagnosed him as being constipated). He is in agony for 5 mornings a week, but on the weekend he is fine.  I do not believe that this has anything to do with being constipated. I am very sure he is using it to avoid school.  Getting him to school is a daily battle.  Most days he is late. It has definitely become a tension zone in our house.  

He never had a problem prior to this school year.  It started in October99 by missing a day here and a day here due to his stomach aches.  Then it got severe in January2000 (when speeches started something he was deathly afraid to do) It became chronic(every week day) after that, but again never complained on the weekends.  

I have no idea why we are having so much trouble.  He usually talks to me when he has a big problem or when someone is picking on him, but nothing seems to be bugging him (that is obvious any ways).  He says he is not being bullied or having trouble in school, just thinks it is dumb and there is no use to it.  

When he started missing so much school this year, the school social worker contacted me and I was told to send him no matter what.  That is difficult.  I finally told him that he would not miss any more school due to his stomach aches. He is better, at least he is going now.  But late 4 days a week.  I just don't know what to do or try anymore.  

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you for your time.
Tammy

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Tammy,

The school social worker's advice is correct - i.e., send your son and do not cooperate with his avoidant behavior.

It will help if you devise a behavioral plan which establishes some incentive for him to arrive at school in a timely fashion. An example of such a plan (and it is only one example) is to make his afternoon play time contingent on arrival at school on time. For each minute he is late, you can subtract a certain amount of time from his play.

If you have trouble devising an effective plan, seek some help from the social worker or from a child mental health professional who may not be connected with the school. Such requests for parenting help are common. By the way, the clinician might also be helpful re: the causes for the avoidance.

[shelly]

My ten-year old does not like school either.  He also complains of stomaches.  At first, I thought it was the ritalin that he took for his ADHD.  However, he has been off of ritalin for the past several months and still complains of stomaches.  I believe the stomaches are real and, for him, they are brought on by stress.  For instance, he has a computer teacher he does not like.  Every Thursday morning his stomach hurts because he is stressing out about it.  While I think the pain is real, I also believe it is a temporary thing.  I always send him to school and he knows that this particular symptom is not a valid excuse for staying home.  In my non-expert opinion, something is probably bothering your son which is triggering the stomaches.  It may not be something obvious like getting picked on and it may be something that even he has trouble verbalizing.  The doctor and the social worker are right in saying that once a child realizes that he HAS to attend school, he will learn to live with it.  I know it is hard, but in my circumstance, "tough love" has worked the best.  Good luck.

[Tammy]

Hi Shelley, thanks for your post.  It is helpful to know that others are going through what we are.  I agree with you.  I am sure that his aches are because he would rather stay home.  I am not sure that I will ever really find out why he doesn't want to go, but like you I understand that he needs to be there.  It is the constant daily battle that is wearing me down.  Every morning Mon- Fri, I go through the same thing.  It starts my day off horrible and his. I know he doesn't like walking to school.  I decided to try something starting on Monday.  I told him that I will drive him to school providing he is ready to go by 8:30 (school entry is 8:35) If he isn't ready he walks.  I don't know if this will work, but I didn't figure it would hurt.

Thanks for posting

Tammy

[sue]

I was wondering if you considered other issues for your son's dislike for school:
1)is he having problems with any students, i.e. are they bullying him?
2)is the teacher focusing too much on this current problem, maybe singling him out in class?
3)have you tried a tutor to meet with your son after school? Sometimes a one to one basis is more effective.
4)have you tried using the computer as a teaching tool? There's great educational software that may help your son excell.

I've tried to encourage my son to have responsibility about his school work. And that the projects should be fun also. This seems to work. Good luck!

[Janice]

DEAR TAMMY,
  I TOO HAVE A SON WHO DOSEN'T LIKE SCHOOL.HE IS 8 YEARS OLD AND I TOTALY UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS IN THIS SITUATION.WE HAD MY SON TESTED JUST THIS YEAR FOR LEARNING DISABILITIES HE IS DYSLEXIC AND HAS AN ANXITEY PROBLEM.THE ANXITEY IS THE PROBLEM WITH HIM GOING TO SCHOOL.WE WERE TOLD THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO GO.WE HAVE TRIED POSTIVE REINFORCEMENTS WITH HIM IT HAS HELPED A GREAT DEAL.HE GETS TO PICK OUT AND RENT A NINTIDO GAME ON FRIDAY IF HE WENT TO SCHOOL ALL WEEK WITH NO PROBLEMS.ALSO WHEN WE FIRST STARTED THIS I WOULD HAVE A SPEICAL AFTER SCHOOL SNACK FOR THE KIDS AFTERSCHOOL EVERYDAY. BUT THAT HAS STOPPED NOW.THE DOCTOR SAYS IT SOUNDS LIKE WE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL BUT IF HE SLIPS BACK AND I FEEL HE NEEDS MEDICATION THAT IS AN OPTION.I HOPE HE DOESN'T.I DON'T THINK I DO THE MORNING BATTLES ANYMORE.THE PRINCIPLE OF THE SCHOOL WOULD HAVE TO HOLD HIM WHILE I LET HIM CRYING AND SCEAMING HIS LITTLE HEART OUT FOR ME IT WAS EVERY MOTHERS NIGHTMARE.I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WILL HELP YOU OR NOT BUT I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR SON.
      BEST OF LUCK,
          JANICE

[Streemer]

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