My nephew has always been what i call a 'challenge child' especially to females. He is not consistently punished for hitting, slapping, screaming, profanity to his sister and others. It has reached the point where he has become so manipulative and conniving that he knows how to run the house. Everyone walks on eggshell and change whatever they are doing to fit his wants.
On Christmas Eve, my brother in law had to work so i went to to my sister's to hang out with her and my niece and nephew. We decided to see a movie and my nephew wanted to see something that none of us wanted; he proceeded to yell, then scream...my sister almost buckled but i stood firm. she said he could go with us or not; we were seeing that movie. He didn't want to go, he is so loud at this point he must be heard from the street. one adult has to stay, i volunteer (what was i thinking???). that pushes him over the edge screaming how he hates me and stuff (I'm the only relative that has spent any time with this kid) I finally peel him off his mom (he wanted her to stay because he could have manipulated her into taking him to his movie and he knew he couldn't do that to me). they drive off and i send him to his room to cool off.
Not 2 minutes later i hear the car horn, look out and my sister is pointing up. Nephew has the window open screaming. Sigh...this house is so chaotic and full of trauma drama.
I go up and in his room and sit in the chair. He proceeds to scream again; i get the phone out of his hand. Then he comes at me screaming he will kill me while swinging his hockey stick (this is not a toy, but the one he used on the hockey team). I survived the stick and he screamed again and swung the wood board that marks height. I survived again and he pulled out his basketball backboard and went to throw it and then called me a fu***** bit**.
During the entire thing, i stayed calm and just repeated that i loved him, but he scared me. On top of it, my niece, who is 2 years older has told me 2x in the past 2 months that she is tired of being a punching bag. They are letting him beat on her, and always have. there was one point where if she defended herself when he hit her that she got punished.
later that day he hit her in front of his mom and i; he admitted it, laughed and his mom did absolutely nothing; didn't take away his i touch, nothing.
The next day, Christmas, he gets a playstation with all the stuff; over 400 and my niece? she got a used coat from ebay and a 50 gift card and she got the difference.
my sister would not discuss what happened and when i asked if he was punished she went ballistic; i don't think they did a thing to him for what he did to me. She acts like it doesn't happen often enough to be a real issue, but every time i go there it happens and if it doesn't it's only because everyone is on eggshells. She's mad at all of the family, both sides, because they show preference to my niece...of course they do...my nephew is not a kid you want to be around for more than 2 minutes at this point. He's arrogant, disrespectful, self absorbed, selfish, manipulative, abusive, conniving, liar, thief and flat out mean.
What do i do? How do i help my niece? how do i get my sister to wake up and see she is not helping my nephew this way? they have been to all kinds of psych's over the years and once they say something they don't like they fire them and start again, but all i see is an escalation in his aggression and abuse. I live in fear of getting a call that he has done something horrid to my niece and/or my sister.
I have not experienced this, but I have two thoughts that pop to mind. One is that this child has been allowed to get away with this behavior, and knows that the more he screams, yell and threatens, that others will give into it. So my first thought is that setting proper boundaries, and that others not catering to everything he wants and staying firm will do the trick.
The other thought is a little more frightening, and that this child has become violent and needs intensive therapy.
The problem is that this is your sisters child and not yours. I don't mean that disrespectfully - I think it's wonderful that you care enough to attempt to intervene. But I think its a difficult thing to do, and I think your sister has to see this for herself and get him the help he needs. Honestly..beyond telling your sister what your thoughts are (and that has to be done carefully and tactfully), I'm not certain much can be done. If you believe your niece to be in danger then you must call cps in order to protect her, but other then that, I dont' think there is much you can do beyond saying what you have said here. It's tough, and I empathize. I agree with what you are saying, but intervening in another families life is not an easy thing to do. Best of luck to all of you.
I agree with the others that this is a very hard dynamic.
From your sister's perspective, having a child that no one in the family likes is VERY hard. I've seen this dynamic before, and parents often toss the other kids under the bus to keep from disciplining a child they have serious worries about. So they reconstruct everything - now, the difficult child is "normal", the others who upset the apple cart in defense are punished, and people who speak the truth in an effort to help (or in an effort just to tell the truth) are shunned or avoided.
I do think, though, if you call CPS that will be the very end of your relationship with that family. It's something to consider.
How is his behavior in school, and with his peers, do you know?
I would also ask how do the sisters behave towards him older girls can be very challenging, I think that more goes on in the family and it isnt all about this child ,there may be jealousy going on and that would create a situation ...
I agree with everyone else! CPS needs to be called immediately for the sake of the children especially the girl. The boy needs severe therapy counselling and possibly needs to be removed from the home in order to get the proper help needed. Your family may dislike you for now, but eventually they will come to a realization that you did the right tyhing in getting them help for the whole family. This will have to be a chance you are willing to take. In a sense to me, this is a form of "tough love". Please don't allow this to continue for one more day cause eventually someone is going to end up severely injured or dead. This is just my opinion so if I have scared you, I am truly sorry.
I would sit his mom down and say if you don't listen to me I will call CPS. That should get her attention. And then if she doesn't listen to you, make the call. Raising children is really hard, especially when they have behavioral issues; but not impossible. Guess what, there are tons of programs out there to help you, not hinder you. It sounds like she needs help with this child. Talk to her about getting a PCA (public care attendant.) This person will come into your home and help care for the child. Both children need attention and care. It sounds like he needs some extra love. He also needs to be receiving weekly therapy. Mom isn't gonna want to do it, but if she ever wants her son to function in the real world she needs to.
I don't like the idea of removing children from their home because more often than not it makes the situation worse. In many states CPS will come in and make the parents start doing what they are supposed to. If the state is overly happy about taking children it's unfortunate. There is also respite care that she can send him to if she needs a break. Does he have a diagnosis? It will be much easier to get him this help if he has one.
Several years ago a mother and her autistic son lived below us. This child was out of control. He would try and hit my DD and run constantly. One day he was running on wet pavement while I was doing laundry. I got down to his level and said, firmly, "stop it, and sit down!" He dropped to the floor immediately. His mother said "how did you do that? I gave up on him a long time ago." I just stared at her in shock and said nothing because who would give up on their child?! I hate to say it, but it sounds like your sister gave up on her son and that is really sad.
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.