10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[Goodgirl4913]

I would also like to know what i can do with my 10 year old daughter. It is so hard to live with her. I love her so much its killing me. She is so disrespectful towards me calling me a ******, im stupid, she hates me, im a jerk. If her brother looks at her she jumps on him and pulls his hair. If i try to block her she kicks me and screams in my face. Now she is starting to bite. She is not like this towards her dad. We have tried the corner, taking things from her and nothing works. We have sent her to her grandparents for a week just so we can have peace in the house. My daughter is the middle child of 5 kids. We dont have any problems with any of our other children. I asked her why she does this and she replys because i like to. She also said she hates her brother..He is the only boy i have. Please if anyone has any info on how to deal with this i would really appericate it..

[Shabz_elizabeth]

I have no answer to help you in your situation however i do have an idea that may help your daughter see the way she is being is hurtful and not okay & things do need to change. In saying that things wont change unless shes the one who implements this and puts in the effort.
So my thoughts on this would be to secretly video her and how she is with each person individually and as a group. Later on watch the footage & think of what you might say to her about what she sees & if she was in the other persons position how she might deal with the difficult person (meaning her). Ask her if its fair to that person who has no choice but to deal with situation & to be bullied without being provoked in any way explain how it isnt fair and why she thinks its okay - if she turns around and says "its fun, she enjoys it" say that this isnt normal behaviour and people should not feel that way. Without speaking over the top of her try to understand her side (you dnt have to agree at all im trying to help you see things from her mind so that this can help you determine what you can do to prevent it). If she says its fun find out whtat makes it fun, if she enjoys it whats enjoyable about it and seeing others upset and angry how does that make her feel if she says its funny find out why... Is it the reactions she gets or is it more than that.
I feel sorry for you that this is happening and i have many more tips for you to try however i dnt feel safe giving my email over a comment due to freakish people out there.
I hope this has helped you in a small way and i wish u all the best for your future xx.

[Madlaa]

Hi I'm new here. I'm always looking somewhere for help. I have a 10 (11 in March) year old son who is really disrespectful to me, at school to the head teacher and even to his 5,7 and 9 year old siblings. He tells my daughter (7) he doesn't love her, hates her, she's ugly etc. He too is very energetic, bounces off the walls nearly every day, I put it down to being a single mum at the age of 29 but no offence to anyone I'm obviously not alone here. I'm getting to a point now where I feel he would be better off without me as I'm maybe not doing the best I've only ever tried for him. Any help/advice is much appreciated. X

[Chrissyk29]

My son is just like that he's so mean to his 6 yr old sister I'm desperate for a solution I dint know how to get him to stop either I also need advice.

[Afeb]

1 I would recommend getting a physical with lab work. Sometimes Vitamin levels could be low or thyroid issues can exist. We had to start Vit D3. Balanced diet and plenty of sleep.

2. We implemented 3 rules: A No I-pad (he uses the PC where its visible by everyone. B. We address the issue of his hurtful words immediately. (Loving way) C We give him the expectation with examples of what he could of said. He has to learn to sensor himself.

Everyday we start over with a clean slate no grudges. We maintain his environment organized and his routines the same. Sleep is very important when he is not sleeping well we give him chamomile tea.

This protocol is on going and we have seen improvements. However we must not place too much pressure and remain calm at this age the emotional vulnerability can lead to serious consequences (suicide or other behaviors) They only just started walking and talking give them a break and forgive, forgive.

[MaryP28]

My 10 year old displays the worst behavior. There are times when I am so embarrassed by him that I want to cry. If we put him in his room, he yells out the window that we are starving him and abusing him. Today at the store he yelled this in the store with my mom. He is unbearable at times and I am at my wits end. He is ruining my marriage to my husband his dads marriage to his wife. It is unreal. No one wants to be around him, and he has very few friends.
It seems to be when he does not get his way at first, then it spins into everything else. It is completely out of control. I am so sad to see so many other parents that are going through this.
We tried meds, which is horrible for a child. I just watched a special about how doctors prescribe medications without knowing the true side affects, or they are using medications as tests. The kids are the test rats. They do not know how the meds will affect the child long term. It was a 20/20 special you can look up.

[MissMary118]

You don't know how I can relate to these stories! It's like I'm reading my own struggles written by someone else. Also a single mom, my child just turned 10 and is a nightmare. He threw a fit at the store last night because I wouldn't buy him a handful of junk food he picked out. This resulted in a temper tantrum and when I told him to go wait in the car he threw what was in his hands then tried to walk home. I checked out and drove up beside him at the gas station, but he hid behind a dumpster and refused to talk to me. I waited and waited and finally drove off. He went in the store and told them his mom had abandoned him, then called me to come pick him up. I took away everything of his electronic when I got home, so he responded by sitting in my room banging and making noise and screaming my name. I still didn't give in, and he went to bed eventually. I cried for 2 hours. This morning he was apologetic but I don't care. This behavior gets increasingly worse as he gets older. I feel like a failure.

[Sandman2]

   Does she also do the same things at school?  Is she disrespectful there?   Gets into fights? Talks back to the teacher?
   Also, how young is your youngest?  And how long has this behavior by your daughter been going on?

[Goodgirl4913]

I would also like to know what i can do with my 10 year old daughter. It is so hard to live with her. I love her so much its killing me. She is so disrespectful towards me calling me a ******, im stupid, she hates me, im a jerk. If her brother looks at her she jumps on him and pulls his hair. If i try to block her she kicks me and screams in my face. Now she is starting to bite. She is not like this towards her dad. We have tried the corner, taking things from her and nothing works. We have sent her to her grandparents for a week just so we can have peace in the house. My daughter is the middle child of 5 kids. We dont have any problems with any of our other children. I asked her why she does this and she replys because i like to. She also said she hates her brother..He is the only boy i have. Please if anyone has any info on how to deal with this i would really appericate it..

[lmoe1211]

Please help us! Having the very same problems. What in the world is wrong.

[Mthr925]

Hello.....i was curious if ur situation ever improved? My comment is at the end but my 11 yr old son is getting more rude and disrespectful by the day and he also plays gta5 and call of duty. In my heart i know these games contribute to his attitude but like you, all his friends play online and i work full time and just gave him everything he wanted for Christmas and sometimes it's just easier to give in and try to make evryone happy. Except myself! I sound pathetic but i started telling him tonight if his attitude doesn't improve I'm taking the game away bc that's part of the problem. Of course he got annoyed and denied it.

[Mthr925]

Omg.....this is my 11 yr old son exactly. When i take away his electronics he is nice for a day or two bc he wants them back. Same exact scenario, perfect at school and sports, only shows anger at home. I tell him I'm putting him into anger mgt and he gets madder. I can't get through to him. Frustrating beyond belief.

[honeyjou]

Hi, I wanted to share some of my findings with anyone interested. I am in similar situation as some of you. My 7 y/o son is highly energetic and is frequently reactive/impulsive in behaviour, which often affects his ability to think before he acts and therefore makes plenty of inappropriate choices - including rude comments etc. But then there are times he is calm and wonderful. His eldest sister is at the other end of the scale - polite and responsible.

I found the ODD article above (http://www.yourfamilyclinic.com/ODD/ODD.html) a good read. Picked up a few tips. I have also considered ADHD as a possibility explanation (and may need look into that further) but for now, knowing he has reactive/impulsiveness tendencies, I have decided to try out some suggestions on the pages below that relates to improving the symptoms of certain disorders/ behavioural issues (such as ADHD) through avoidance of certain foods.

I know food allergies/sensitivities is not something new. For some time now we have avoided foods that contain for eg. artificial colours/flavours thinking it affected both my son's and middle daughter's hyperactivity levels. But reading further, I am wondering whether his frequent consumption of foods like apple, orange, mandarin, grape etc, affects him. So, for a couple of days now, I have decided to also cut out/minimise his intake of foods especially containing salicylates (which the above fruits he ate almost daily  contains high to very high amounts of). It's still very early days but I noticed over the weekend with those above foods removed from his 'diet', he is noticeably less argumentative or discourteous and much more rational. Could be coincidental - don't want to be blindly hopeful, but will continue and see how it goes.

This is just my experiences so far. Everyone is different, so no promises. But have a read to see if it's something you may need to consider. Wish you all the best.

http://www.feingold.org/what.php
http://www.feingold.org/salicylate.php
http://salicylatesensitivity.com/about/food-guide/commercial-snacks/

[Linziw22]

this is my 1st visit to this site, I have to say im so relieved that others are experiencing the same issues with their kids as we are with ours. I have a son who's nearly 11 years old, and to say he's being very challenging at the moment would be an understatement! I work fulltime and can honestly say I do not look forward to going home at night or weekends because my sons attitude is so disgusting. I was starting to think it's something we're doing wrong or that he just hates me. I know realise after reading these comments that its not us.

[SUW12266]

I have a son that is 10 and he acts this way. His Dad died when he was 5 so I dont believe that disrespect is the ONLY thing but may play a part.

[Amanda1306]

Yes I myself could have also written this word for word. My son has just turned 9.  I am trying to be very patient. He is amazing one on one. He has 2 younger brothers 7 and 5 and both very different. I guess you could say they are a lot more settled in themselves......however, they are younger. Any suggestions would be truly grateful!

[Sharshq]

How is your son today? Dealing with the same things as you were and wondering how it all worked out...

[Sharshq]

Hiw is your son today? I am dealing with these behaviors currently and wanted to see if you had any success with your son??

[luke100]

Hi, I'm looking for help and at my wits ends with my 10 year old boys and struggling what to do to be honest  he has dyslexia he's behaviour most of time well I just don't know were to start he will throw a tanterm at the slightest thing he's words he uses are what the hell ,not my fault ,oh my days,in a partical outburst if I ask him to do anything round the house its a  major strop and a battle example I brought him something but because of the attuidude I was getting didn't give it to him so his reaction was to struggle with me and try rip the bag out of my hand so I said until you can show me some respect then your not having it. he is so hurtful and its really affecting me in partical plus making the whole family upset I am dredding on egg shells with him most days and shouldn't be like this I do have another boy and he is total opposite and he has said how his brother upset him ,I've been to the school and made them aware what he is like at home he has had some issues at school but nothing I have at home I do feel like its aimed at me and not his dad when I try and talk to him its like his not there and dosent care pls help what should I do what help can I get complete upset about this and don't know who I should turn to thanks for reading

[Sandman2]

     I agree with you.   The problem is that many times the parents try to address a child with things like ADHD, SPD, etc the way they were brought up - which is to make the situation, worse.  Not really the parents fault, because they don't have the correct information.
    One thing I normally tell parents is that if the child is also having a problem in school (with an experienced teacher), and at home - the child's problems were not initially created due to parenting style.
     Why don't you start a post of your own and describe the problem.  Some of us have seen a lot of different situations.

[mariemissy]

As a special education teacher, I can tell you that the behaviors these parents are describing are not created by being over protective.  If it were overindulging a child, then normal set of consequences and behavioral supports would make a difference.  The behaviors these parents are describing are not caused by a parenting style.  I am only on this site, because I now have my 2nd student (of my teaching career) that fit the descriptions of these parents. I too am looking for something that will change his behavior.  I am an experienced teacher and I understand what these parents are talking about.

[Mumsexperience]

Has he had an ados done for asd it sounds possible?

[Velvet3798]

so sorry Emma seems you are dealing with some complex emotional issues. Maybe she feels she can't share the only constant adult in her life. She seems to have gone through some major traumatic changes; being adopted then a guardian dies then joining another ready made family.  Maybe if there is a way of digging into her past I.e hereditary issues? Also she could be a child who has learnt to manipulate people to get what she wants? Maybe try that walking away after establishing boundaries then not get stressed amongst yourselves she probably worries if an adult is sick because of her past. Don't tell her mum is worried sick and stressed because of her probably she enjoys having that power. You do come across very mature yourself hopefully you find that peace and happiness. Take care

[specialmom]

Ugh, sounds like a dreadful situation.  Sorry to hear this.  The 14 year old seems to out of control.  What does their father do about these things?  He's the key.  

Personally, I'm not sure I would want to tie my life to a situation like this.  Your husband's first priority is his children but sadly, you've ended up having to deal with a situation I would need to have resolved.  

Violence is never the answer and this boy punching is serious and a teen acting like this needs to be dealt with.  I'd strip his room, I'd take the gaming system away, I'd lay down the law.

Does he have some type of mental health or neurological issue you've not mentioned?  

Do you have kids of your own exposed to this?

[Velvet3798]

Very true....I have 3step children been with my partner 4 years. The middle one is 14 is rude aggressive and gets obsessed about games etc. his 16 year old brother is the complete opposite and time and time again he gets really gobsmacked by his brothers demanding and argumentative attitude. Hits his 11 yr old sister and says his world ended when she was born. 11 yr old girl does throw tantrums and demands as she's dad's girl but the 14 yr old is something else. Says he hates his mum calls her an old hog, pushed violently out of her wheelchair. Calls dad fat useless etc plays ps3 and Xbox till dawn we try taking away things he moans and pesters for the next gadget just chucks the old one on the side. He's getting demerits at school like they are out of fashion. Punched his dad and threatened me for mentioning why it's important to try and get on with his mum. By the way his mum hates me (but I still feel pity for her)and blames for the breakdown of her marriage despite him having been round the block a few times before meeting up with me. I have been told I belong in a zoo, I'm extra baggage as I'm not blood couldn't care less for working and supporting him or doing stuff for them  and I'm a slapper etc

[Hanhig]

My son is exactly the same, apart from he has an older sister, I would love to know if everyone above managed to solve the problems, as now your children are older ?

[godknows1440000833]

Hi my posts are further down the thread if you want to read them.   I can completely understand what you're going through, I feel compassion for you as I'm going through nearly the same experience myself.  My daughter and I get on well the majority of the time and her bad behaviour is mostly copied off of her brother.   I love them both the same, but with my son it's difficult because of his terrible behaviour.   I love him, I just don't like the way his personality has headed.   Swearing at me, bullying me and his sister, breaking things.  I've called the police to try and frighten him into bucking up his ideas, had his uncle over here, trying to get some sense into him, I've been to children's services myself to try to get some help and I'm in the process now of going to CAMHS.  So that's pretty much where we're at.   I do eventually give in to him & my daughter I must say, but mostly my son, due to overwhelmingly relentlessness of him going on and on at me, breaking me down.  My son is still young, nearly 11, so I really do pray that our homelife will get better, because things cannot carry on this way.