10 year old son not potty trained!!

[Momofonlychild]

My son Just Turned Ten and He is not Potty Trained. My husband and I have seen about seven different doctors of all spans. My son has been tested, x-rayed, Scanned, blood work, urine work, BM samples, Phycologist, herswin tests, chrons test, celiac test...EVERYTHING...AND THEY SAY NOTHING IS WRONG... My husband and I are so feed up...we have tried rewards, taking things away, giving him more attention, punishmnets, yelling..I just dont know what to do. We have him in Pull-ups at night. During the day he wears underwear but soils and pees in them every hour and just changes instead of using the bathroom that is four feet away...I ask him why and he says "I dont know"....Why is he doing this if he has no medical problems...he is an only child and gets a ton of love, spoiled a little at times, and has a mom and dad that treat him wonderful...Im at loss...We have Tried potty seats..a watch with a timer that goes off...taking him to the potty with us...make him clean himself if he poops his pants...is this a security blanket or being lazy? If anyone in the same boat?? The Doctor said he will eventually grow out of it but he said that two years ago!!! HELP!!!

[Happytomeetyou]

I don't know the answer but I can share my experience. My son had a similar problem. When he would defecate, it was often small pebble type or very smelly smears. He always had a wet spot in front as he also couldn't hold his urine. It was a constant issue as he seemed like he wasn't even aware he was doing it and would get so absorbed in what he was doing(or because it was all the time) would even notice the smell until I had him change it.  It wasn't disciplinary, he does have adhd, and is on the spectrum (not very noticeable though), but these weren't reasons for this. Years of "he'll grow our of it", bouts of constipation, back and forth to the doctors and I was at my wit's end. One day an xray showed his bowels completely full, so much that it looked like he had a mass. He was impacted severely and it was due to some food sensitivities and a slow moving bowel. The mass was constantly trying to push out little by little and his muscles were so taxed he could hardly feel it much less stop it. This was why he took no notice and messed himself all of the time. At the same time it was putting a lot of pressure on his bladder and that made him unable to hold his urine. We found a great gastrointestinal specialist who told us this was a fairly common problem for children, she explained that not every food allergy and intolerance presents the same way and that some can actually slow the digestive system down. The high fiber diet we had been told to have him on had done nothing, in fact it had made it worse as fiber was not the issue and only taking more water. She had us cut out all of the contstipating foods, pectin, dairy, we served less rice, and we took him completely off of gluten. I made lots of soups and increased fruits (except bananas). This change was not to be permanent but it certainly took care of the problem for us as well as helped his attention problems greatly (not a cure mind you, but a great help).  He is older now, no longer has that issue and still has to keep his gluten and dairy consumption to a reasonable degree or he feels the effects of it but it isn't a difficult thing to do. This may not have anything to do with what is happening with your son but I thought I would put it out there. It certainly made all of the difference for us and was such a dime fix that I amazed it took so many years for us to find it.

[AnnieBrooke]

Thanks for writing in, Happytomeetyou. That's a very clear description of the before and after of encopresis, and I think it will help someone looking for an answer for their child.

If the above description of the problem sounds like your child, tell your pediatrician you would like a consultation with a pediatric gastroenterologist because you suspect encopresis. A lot of pediatric doctors miss encopresis as a diagnosis, which they shouldn't because it is not at all uncommon. Kids with blocked colons that no longer function do end up with no sensation to tell them that it is time to go to the loo. It's not a matter of them not paying attention, the distended bowel no longer give them signals. Once the issue is diagnosed, in severe cases kids can be taken to the hospital and essentially vacuumed out, and are often found to have a huge amount of stool compacted in a distended colon that has been there for a long time. It can then take a further year or more of increasing fiber, other diet changes and maybe medications to get the colon to heal enough that it will give the child a signal again. Any pediatrician shrugging off a kid having this issue as just behavioral is not doing a good job. Parents often have to work way harder than they should to get to a diagnosis. If the pediatrician resists referring the child to a GI specialist, encopresis is most usually diagnosed by an x-ray, so if you're fighting this problem on behalf of a child you love, ask the pediatrician about getting one.

[Misse234w]

My son is 10 and refuses to poop on the toilet. He would much rather sit in his poop all day. My house stinks like poop so bad. I ha e shampooed everything. Wash his clothes no less than 12 times before drying then. He point blank tells me he is just lazy and doesn't want to stop what he is doing to go poop. He refuses to shower. He sat da at the bathroom door to see. Its like he is scared of the bathroom. He poops on himself at school and laughs about it. He will scratch his butt or balls then wipe his poop covered hands on me and laugh. I'm at my end with him. He just doesn't care.

[Sandman2]

How does he do at school, grade wise?  He does show some classic adhd symptoms....especially when he says, " doesn't want to stop what he is doing to go poop."

[specialmom]

Does he by chance strain?  Some kids with encropresis  have this issue.  They dont' always know WHEN they are going to go. The rubbing of poop covered hands on you is unacceptable though and not indicative of a bowel or digestive issue.  That's a moment for punishment.  But he may have problems wiping.  Sigh.  I actually had to teach my kids the proper way to do it as before that I had not really thought about it and assumed it was a natural thing.  But I would tell him how other people's feces can make people very sick.  And he must not play around with that.  Hope it works out!

[Denisedonna]

My son has fragile x syndrome and he is 14yrs old..he is not potty trained yet, he wears grown up diapers to school and when his at home he wears regular underwear, it's like his afraid of the toilet, we tried everuthing...i am just praying in due time he will start using the toilet

[Optomom]

was so happy to see your post. I am in the same boat with my 8 year old son. At 3 years old he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. He under went years of therapy for that. Initially his refusal to train was blamed on the anxiety. Thoughts were it was the only thing he could control so that's why he refused. His anxiety is now well controlled, but he still won't train. He has no interest in it and does not care when he's wet or soiled.  He will clean himself up and then go right back to what he's doing.  For school he wears incontinence underpants so he won't make a mess. He, like your son, has under gone every test out there.  We've worked with pediatricians, urologists, psychologists,  and even a hypnotist.  Evetyone says he is phtsically healthy and that he hust has to make the decision to use the toilet. If you ever find a solution for your son, please share. At 8, my son has never used a toilet.

[Sandman2]

Has he been evaluated for adhd, and if so how old was he and were surveys sent to his teachers?  How are his grades at school?

[Optomom]

Yes. He was evaluated last year, age 7. He has none of the typical ADHD symptoms, but we are grasping at straws. His grades are fantastic.  He is a full grade ahead in both math and reading.

[specialmom]

That is really hard.  Many kids are still wetting at night at that age but during the day is different.  Is he unaware of his peers?  I ask this because it would be a social no no to be 8 and wearing a pull up smelling like urine as I'm sure an older child would during the day.  That he doesn't care . . .  have you looked into autism or sensory integration disorder?  I have a son with sensory integration disorder and social skill issues are a hallmark sign.  However, my son wanted to do overnights with friends and the under jams he wore at 9 were bothering him.  Even with that only being at night, he wanted to be done with it.  So, that your son doesn't . . . that is atypical in my opinion for a boy his age.  

If you tell him he HAS to as in it is a rule and then set a watch where he sits on the toilet every hour or something like that?  It can not be pleasant to have a bowel movement in an underjam at this point for him and does he clean himself up or do you have to do it? I would attempt to make a rule like this is no longer optional and see how he responds (without shame).  good luck

[Sandman2]

Kids with adhd are typically smart and some of them are very, very smart.  As the CL on the adhd forum, I have communicated with adults who did not get diagnosed until college ( because that was where they finally hit the wall).   That was why I wondered how he was evaluated.  A simple evaluation would probably not catch inattentive adhd So a couple quick links on that just in case.  
   https://www.additudemag.com/inattentive-adhd-in-kids/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=February
   https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/symptoms-of-inattentive-adhd/

I wondered about the adhd for several reasons.  One being that about 30% of kids with adhd have anxiety and the anxiety is typically noticed first.  And, I have seen a lot of adhd posts about kids with poop problems - typically the child is so engrossed (hyperfocused) they don't stop to poop.

I assume you have tried "you sit on the toilet for 10 min before starting a video game, yes, you can take an ipad with you."  If anything happens or not...doesn't matter.  But, we will interrupt you in 45 or so and have you sit on the toilet again if nothing has happened.   And you would do this all the time - no exceptions.

I assume he never has been severely constipated so that encopresis is not a problem  
    https://www.practicalgastro.com/pdf/November02/LoeningBauckeArticle.pdf

I hope some of this helps.  please post if you have any questions.

[napman1963]

I know for you this seems bad. But their are people out there that just prefer nappies. I am one of them. I have prefered to use a nappy for pooping and peeing all my life. Yes I do use the toilet as well though. I'm not sick as far as I know in anyway. I was just born this way. I did not ask for it. I mean who would. It's just the way I'm wired so to speak. I spent many years thinking I was sick in the head or ill. But the truth is I'm not. Was not until I got the internet that I found I was not the only one out there. There are tens of thousands of us. More male than female as far as I can find out though. It was one of the best days of my life to find this out. A huge weight was lifted from me. And I'm now a much better person and understand what's going on.
As to making them wear pants. It's a waste of your time and in a way a bit cruel for your kid. There are a lot worse problems out there such as autism or spinabifida etc they could of had. You might in the end get further with giving them the choice as to what they want to do. Society always is telling us we all have to be the same. To conform. The truth is we aren't or ever will be the same.
Look here on the net you will find lots of sites about diaper lovers some are better than others. But I think you will get more answers than anywhere else.

[maryfran2010]

I feel your pain...My eight year old daughter has the same issues except for peeing in her pants.  That for some strange reason has never been a problem.  We've been through the same testing, however,not as in depth as you have gone.  She was finally diagnosed with a condition called Encopresis which is basically the act of soiling one's pants.  There are a whole host of emotional issues that go along with it.  We participated in some therapy early this summer and she has actually been improving.  We do reward charts and notice that when we slack off on updating the charts, she starts slacking off also and has more "accidents"  We call it the sneaky poop problem.  I think its part laziness, not wanting to miss something, attention seeking although she gets much more attention than anyone else in family and not wanting to grow up.  She does clean her own soiled pants...we have a special bucket in our bathroom.  The therapist encouraged us to attack the issue from a responsibility perspective.  We're trying everything we can think of.  Lately she has been more agreeable to sitting on the toilet to "giver her  body a chance" to poop as long as she can play her DS video game.  We always have to prompt her, she will not make the decision to go on her own.  I still question wether or not she gets a "feeling" to go or not.  She used to hold stools for a long time and therefor stretched out all the muscles and therefor her body doesn't give her any sensation that she needs to go.  At one point she was on upto 6 squares of exlax a day.  I was so hopeful that we would have this resolved this summer, but I guess I'll continue to pack extra clothes, wipes and panties in her back pack this year.  I do also find that she responds to my husband better than me.  He's pretty straight forward with her and she knows how to push my buttons...I get so frustrated.  I feel sorry for my six year old who now is very aware of all the rewards her sister gets that she doesn't.  I try to reward her for other positive behavioral issues, but honestly this kid is fine and has no issues...very well behaved and independent. She wanted to be rewarded the same as her sister, so now we make a big deal when she poops in the toilet which is every time.  I'm getting ready to call the therapist back again..Sorry if this was discouraging, but at least you know your not alone.  There are others out there dealing with the same issue.  That's how I found out about this site...I was feeling like we were the only ones.

[Jeckalee]

I just came across this thread and I was wondering how things turned out with your daughter? While I read your comment I was thinking, you could change the gender from female to male and that describes my son more accurately than any comment on any other encopresis site. My son is now 11. He was potty trained at the normal age but that only lasted a couple weeks. He has not used the toilet for poop since then. I'm a single mom and he's an only child and I feel like I'm to blame for the situation because I didn't take it as seriously as I should have and as he got older, it just got harder and it upset him to talk about. Now I have decided once and for all to do whatever it takes to conquer this. My son is finally ready to fix it also. I'd love to hear that your daughter encopresis is no longer an issue. I'm not sure if you'll get this comment but I figured I'd try. Thanks for posting this. It made me feel less alone :)

[yngdad]

Maybe u should have him tested. Some kids can't control their bodily functions. Also, this is kind of personal but has he ever been abused in anyway? Kids who have tend to mess in their underwear all the time.

[Momofonlychild]

We do have him clean up when he has an accident ever since he was four he has been washing himself bc we dont want to do it as we think too he needs to learn. This is not just night time its 24/7 he pees and poops every hour in his pants and will sit in it or play in it until I smell somthing and tell him to change. We took him to play with friends all the time in underwear and when I pick him up its so embarrassing he has a wet spot all in the front...so now he has to wear pullups when he goes to friends. I try to keep him in underwear but its hard espessially when we go to do something like movies, road trip, biking ext.. I have to put him in a pull up or we would have him peeing all over the place or pooping. When we are at home or going to the store really quick I'll make hime wear underwear and make him go potty when we arrive at a place but by the time we get back home I smell him and he has had a accident....just dont know what to do!! He poops and pees everywhere..If I didnt use the pullup his urine and BM would go threw his clothes and get on furniture, carpets, seat ext... when he plays or we go in the car. My husband thinks he is using the pullup as a security blanket...We try at every moment we get to potty train and use underwear..

[Jeffboy]

He may have adhd. If he does he's pushing the feeling to go away so he can continue to play.

[yngdad]

From a guys point of view. I'm raising 4 boys the oldest 13, 6 and twin 3 year olds. My 6 year old is a bedwetter, but I also know that he is a diaper lover. Basically that means he loves being in diapers/goodnites. My brother the 13 year old is the same way. That could be what is wrong with ur son. He could be a diaper lover, maybe he just doesn't want to grow up which is the reason my 13 year old still likes diapers. It also has to do with being lazy. Ur son is old enough to know what he's doing. If he's not mentally ill, then he knows. I would stop buying him diapers and stuff and make him clean up the messes. His bed, his clothes etc. It sounds harsh, but it worked for my brother. Does ur son do this when ur in public? Or around friends and family?

[kay2486]

boys do this more than girls

i had an iccident a few weeks when my five yr old wet the bed everynight for 3 weeks solid, i found out it was because he was coming down with chicken pox, and we thought he was being lazy,

he will grow out of it, i potty trained my son in 3 days he was out of nappies in 3 days, he wll have accidents, it can be because:

stress, arguements in the house
school
illness
or pure accident

dont yell he will sort this in time