10 year old son's visitation with his father

[April Bloome]

First, let me start off by saying that my son is 10 years old.  I was 17 years old when I had him and his father (who I am now divorced from) was 19.  We were married for 9 years and during that time we had a not very good life together.  First, the child's father wanted me to have an abortion and when I refused to do so, he decided that he wanted to be a part of the childs life.  We got married and all was down hill from there.  He was not so very nice to me when I was pregnant with him.  We frequently fought and he used to sit on top of me and not let me move and things of this nature.  I am assuming because he just could.  After the baby was born, he had told me that he was jealous of him because I spent more time with him.  It seemed as though if he was angry with me, he would take it out on the child in any way that he could.  He got caught "spanking him" when he was about 5 months old because he said that the child would not listen to him (he wanted him to sit still).  As my son got older, he would constantly give out harsh punishments and he would tell him that he was doing pretty much everything wrong.  He would even complain that he was not washing his hair the correct way.  Once, he was watching him when I went down to put in some laundry and my son got burnt on the kerosene heater that was on.  My son was about 3 at that time and he kept telling him taht it was his fault.  He hit him with an electrical cord because my son was throwing a Nerf ball at him.  The list goes on and on.  Now, we are divorced.  We have been apart for almost two years.  During our divorce, he kept telling the child that it was mommys fault and that she was the one who wanted to do this.  He has visitation of him.  He gets him every other weekend and one night during the week for Cub Scouting events.  Lately, he has been picking him up one more night of the week for a religion class.  I have recently been re-married to a man who my son very much seems to like; however, he has been calling home from school with stomach aches almost every day.  The school counselor tried to speak with him and he would not talk to her.  I finally got out of him that it was his father and he was afraid to tell the counselor because she may tell him (as she does know him).  I know that he is scared of him or what will happen because he will not tell his dad the truth about a lot of things.  You also must know that he likes to embarrass the child for punishment in front of his friends because he says it is "like the prison system".  The problems of this are becoming more and more for my son.  I have tried to speak with his father about this sort of behavior and what it does to his child as well but he does not listen.  Also, you must know that when we were married he was gone a lot working, etc.  My son told me the other day that he was a little bit afraid that my new husband, his step dad, may change.  That he may start being like his dad.  I have made an appointment for the child to see someone else outside of school, as he thinks that everyone at the school will tell his dad because his dad suddenly has started working over at the school during functions, etc.  I am not really sure what to do about any of this.  Could you please give me some help as to how I should handle this situation and what the whole problem could be.  Also of note, I asked my son if he would feel more comfortable talking to someone else and he said yes as long as it was a woman.  I did make the appointment with a woman.  I really don't know how to approach this whole entire situation, as the court states that he gets visitation.  I am very worried about my child.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Bloome,

As you describe the situation, it's clear your son is very much afraid of his father, and apparently for good reason. You have already done the right thing - i.e., you have made an appointment for him to see a therapist.

Now, it may happen that the visitation arrangement will need to change, if that is in your son's best interest. Be sure to speak with the therapist about this. I also wonder if your ex-husband's behavior can be characterized as abusive, and the clinician may also be able to offer a perspective on this. It may be that the situation will need to be called to the attention of your local child protection agency. All this can be sorted out once the clinician is able to evaluate your son.