10 year old w/fear of sleeping alone

[windance]

My son is 10 years old.  He has 2 brothers who are 8 years old.  They are all very close friends.  My oldest has never wanted to sleep alone.  While he has always had his own room, he rooms in with his brothers after sleeping on my husband's and my bedroom floor for about a year.  He must always have a light on to fall asleep and would prefer that either my husband or myself stay with him until he falls deeply asleep.  His brothers fall asleep in a timely manner, and for a while, my husband or I would use the "10 minute rule".  We would come and check on him every 10 minutes and when he finally fell asleep, we would turn off the light.  If we were one minute late, he would come into our bedroom, often in tears.  Sometimes we would just sleep on the floor with him if he was particularly afraid.  He says that he just hates to be alone at night.

      My son has been a late developer.  While he is quite popular with his friends and teachers, he was late breaking the reading code and often froze in testing situations.  After consulting with a child psychologist and learning specialist, we switched our kids from a strict European model private school to a more open, individualized, private school after my oldest completed first grade.  Now in fourth grade, he is academically in the middle of his class and looks forward to going to school each day.  He is active in sports and other after school activities.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This particular manifestation of separation anxiety is probably the most common. Your approach of weaning him from the need for your or your husband's company at night is sound. What you might do is structure the plan a bit by: (a) establishing a time frame by which he will be expected to manage bedtime by himself (i.e., staying in bed by himself once he is in bed), (b) week by week gradually increasing the blocks of time between checks, and (c) setting a firm limit by the instruction that he is to remain in his bed until you come to him - he is not to come to you. Given that his overall adaptation in the world seems to be sound (i.e., re: family relationships, peer interaction, recreation, school), I don't see the need for any professional intervention (apart from guidance you might obtain from a clinician).

[justme§thedog]

Just mentioning, my son has sleep disorders combined with a mild anxiety problem.  But I'd like to  note for your son's interest - two things really:  if your son is the type of personality that is slightly more anxious than the easy-going kind of child, he may have experienced sleep events that have frightened him or built up sleep-related anxieties. Especially if he's been way over tired at some point, or even if he does experience a sleep problem like sleep-disordered breathing or something.  It's very hard for the layman to recognize milder-symptom sleep disorders.

Although it's hard to tell in children, sleep deprivation can cause unusual events - one that usually impacts children is hypnogogic hallucinations (the one where ur falling just as u go to sleep and startle awake is a universal hallucination most ppl experience).  PPl with serious sleep problems report very realistic hallucinations of frightening events - spiders crawling through the room, a parent barging in a yelling wildly, any number of things.  

Although my son receives medication for his condition, I remember  experiencing these events myself as a child.  One was so subtle, but the most frightening.  It was simply a body sensation; a dissociation with the physical world and an overwhelming feeling of death (I have no idea why, i had an extremely happy childhood).  Anyway, it was only occassional, but for years when it happened I would be so anxious and frigthened that I would be up all night, all the lights on, etc.  It's only through treating my son that I've seen the connection to when I've really not gotten my sleep.  Events like these can be subtle, but greatly impact a child's feelings about sleep and surroundings at night.

Ultimately, he'll have to learn to go to sleep on his own; learn to be more comfortable. I only mention all this so that 1) if he snores, has allergies or u've noticed other unusual events, you might consider consulting his pediatrician. and 2) perhaps just keep it in mind when working with your son, teaching him the sleep skills he needs. He may have fears he is unable to articulate well.  The good news is that he can do this.  I have my son read in bed for 10 min to settle a bit better, and he has the light on until I go to bed and turn it off, but otherwise he's adjusted well and actually gets better rest and copes better as a result.  We're still working on relaxation techniques as well. (ps. he slept in my bed from 3 yrs old to 7, more often than in his own. I totally understand).  

Lastly, pls don't compare him to his two brothers - even if they ARE doing better sleeping on their own. If there are events or fears he's developed (even just childhood 'incorrect' conclusions, blown out of proportion), he doesn't know that others don't experience them and just feels inadequate or 'bad' for not gaining control.

good luck

[wpouey91]

Just read your post.  My 11 year old suffers from the same thing.  This may sound strange, but it is nice to know that we are not alone.  My son has been on our bedroom floor since April 2003.  Everytime we "force" him to at least try to sleep in his room, he has an anxiety attack.  He says he feels so alone.  We have a very small ranch style home.  He is just down the hall from us, but to him it is like being in another state!  He refuses to sleep in his sisters room (7 y/o). Says she is not a big person and that he doesn't feel safe.  This whole thing is so trying, feels like it will never end!  Is your son afraid of anything in particular?  Can he name what scares him so much?  Reply if you would like.

wpouey91

[Melissa6]

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