10 yo boy's new fascination

[george5280]

My ex-wife informed me today that our son has been masturbating since summer.  He was even caught doing this in a public place. Our reasons for disagreeing with this behaviour vary.  I am not at all religious and she is a conservative right wing fundamentalist.  We do get along though. And have always kept his interest of above our own in spite of our differences.  To me he just seems awfully young to be starting this.  To her he is sinning and desecrating himself.  Though she expressed that she does not want to shame him.  I realise in retrospect that he has been too long in the bath and has acted jumpy when I walk into a room where he has been alone and maybe under a blanket or throw.  I don't think the behaviour is unatural or should be condemned but he started this at 9 yo. What do I do?  I thought I had a few years to worry about this.  Is it wrong?  If so, why?  And how in the world do you approach a recently turned 10 yo on this?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your son is a bit young to be masturbating to any significant degree, though of course there are no 'rules' about this in any strict sense. In a general way, I'd let him know that the behavior should occur only in private settings, when he is alone. Now, with some young children masturbation at a young age occurs due to anxiety, social isolation, etc., and if you suspect that he may be in any distress an evaluation by a mental health professional would be sensible. The clinician might also be a useful resource to you and to your son's mother.

[george5280]

once this behaviour has started, can it really be stopped?  His mom insist that with my telling him not to he will discontinue the act.  she bases this on my influence over him as his father.  I fear that her confidence is too great and nature too strong?  Do you think it could be stopped?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No, it's not likely that instructing him to stop will be at all effective.

[LonnieGail]

I have to say that sometimes we can be right- and react in the wrong. It may not be a good idea for your son to do this at an early age- especially if he is drawn to pronography through this-- but even if you are worried, that is the only reaction that I see as "okay"- just to be concerned. He knows it is private- he keeps it covered- except that one case you mentioned. Telling him he is "being bad" can only force him to feel years of shame when he continues the behavior- which he probably will- making him feel shamed can only cause lifelong scars. I know. I am a female that felt horrible guilt for my entire adolescent and into my adult life for this same thing. I was told by my mother (an otherwise wonderful and loving parent) "you won't be able to have children (I now have two and am happily married), it is a sin (the Bible does say the "lustful" thoughts are- but it is for him to discuss with God as with a friend). I always felt that I had a shameful secret -even though I was a kid that rarely caused a problem, got good grades, and was well liked by others.A lot of women and men would not talk about this as openly as I do- because they felt the same shame as kids. That's sad- because it means it still makes them feel ashamed when the only thing they did was touch themself in private- not blow up a school, hijack a bus, get pregnant at 13, or anything else that can cause a BIG problem. Your son will be embarassed to talk with you, but I'd bet you can relate to his feelings, even if you were older when you first had them. Talking and not badgering could open up doors you will need as he grows older. Sorry so long- my personal soap box.