10 yr old boy with anger issues

[wasaday]

I have a 10 year old son who displays anger and aggression on a daily basis. he acts out verbally for the most part and over seemingly petty things. If 2 people try to talk at the same time he gets angry, or if sosmeone tries to do something differently than he does. He yells very loudly and throws his arms around grunting and this scares me. He has always been one to get frustrated easily. He is a very smart child, in the gifted program at school. He is small for his age compared to the other children and says he gets picked on in school. I tend to think because of his anger problem it's not really as bad as he thinks, but i try to make him feel better. I am so frustrated myself, I mean this is my son and I don't know how to help him. We have tried books that have helped but only temporarily. He has seen the school counselor on a regualar basis and that doesnt seem to do much. He is the type of child who will act out when he doesnt understand or know the answer to something. He feels he should know everything about everything and anyone who doesnt is stuid. I know that sounds harsh but he really behaves that way. If you ask him a simple question he gets angry because he figures if he knows it you should too. I don't know how else to describe the problems i'm having but they get worse as he gets older and something needs to give.....

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Such aggressive behavior and inability to tolerate frustration can be symptomatic of more than one condition. For example, the characteristics can indicate a mood disorder, or they might indicate an impulse control disorder or a type of disruptive behavior disorder. It will be important to clarify the nature of your son's condition by having him evaluated by a pediatric mental health professional. While you are doing that, you will of course have to manage the behavior. A very practical and entirely reliable guide can be found in Lynn Clark's wonderful book about managing children's behavior. The book is titled SOS: Help for Parents. Take a look at it. Thousands of parents have derived great benefit from its wisdom.

[siren of the sea]

this sounds like my son. he will be 8 next week. however he is big for his age. almost 5 feet tall. the kids (big kids mostly) pick on him. he is now in councling.has helped but right now i am frusterated because he has one cousin that is 3, a girl. he is rotten to her. yells at her and threatens her. she pushes his buttons too, but i explain he needs to back off heis older. he feels he knows everything and if he explains something and you dont get it he gets grunty and mean too. the therapy has helped seeing as he had issues dealing with a divorce that goes back several years. that is why some of his behavior like the grunting--stems to the age of the divorce. tonight i am very tired from dealing with this at a family gathering. sis isnt a very big discipliner. so she yells at my son. sigh. i think a bottle of tequilla and a beach ALONE sounds good lol. anyway i empathize . its hard . from my experience the school did nothing for my son. they said maybe it was add. but mild depression masks the add symptoms. like i said that has improved. look for a good child therapist. forget the school they only look after the interest of the school. best of luck and let me know if something works!!

[wasaday]

Thank you for your advice. I have an appointment scheduled for him on the 21st of this month with his pediatrician. hopefully she can get us going in the right direction. I have spoken with her about it in the past and of course since she didnt see the behaviour, I don't think she took it seriously. I have actually considered video taping him to show her what im talking about. I just hope this behaviour is not a result of anything i have done wrong as a parent. I also failed to mention that his father died of cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I didnt mention this because most people tend to look at it as an excuse. The behaviour started long before his fathers illness, and although it may have an impact on the progression of the anger, I really am sure it's not the cause. Thank you again, and I will surely keep you posted.

p.s. He has read books that have been helpful to him.. "taking the grrr out of anger" seemed to be the best one. try it if you think it might be helpful. It made him more aware of how his behaviour was affecting others.

[Kjoi]

I see the subject is regarding 10yr olds; however, my son just started the 3rd grade on the 21st of August.  He has been on the talented & gifted program since the 1st grade, he has been personally received a back 2 school package delivered to him in class by a board member of our school system.  He was asked to be the only lower classman (3rd grade & up last year) to complete a Science Fair entry/Project; He has credentials up the wall, however, his attitude/anger control problem has gotten him suspended for fighting (in the 2nd grade), yesterday his teacher has called my house past his bedtime to discuss her outlook for him 1 week to the day that school started.  He sees the unfortunates of separated parents, having no siblings, mother having no siblings...therefore no cousins/family his age.  The worse of it all is that between his school staff, as well as his baby sitter letting me know the same, he has now started "fall-out" tantrums.  Kicking, throwing, etc.  Of course there is not one day that he has done this in front of me, however, his teachers, and I both agree he has been dealt a heavy load in school (only getting 20 min for lunch and 15 min for recess (literally 15 min; when I was growing up we got an hour total for both).  I don't own a car to sign him up for little league, choir, band, boy scouts, etc. is not an option.  So the playground and those "encouragements" between the ages of 5-11 outside are all I have to offer him right now.  I think it's just a stage; sign of him coming of the age 8, as well as understanding that this is how I feel when I am angry, upset, disappointed, etc, he just has yet to learn how to control his anger, and release his feelings another way.  What do you think?

[cakrw]

hi there, my wonderful son is angry too.  He is GT and is so aware of his surroundings that sometimes I feel sorry for him.  I can be in the other room talking to his dad about him or anything for that matter and he hears it all.  He bullies his brother and sister so bad and is now rude and disrespectful to me.  At school on the other hand he is perfect, he would never break a rule.  But when he comes home it is a living hell 75% of the time.  I am affraid if I take him to a Dr. he will lable himself, (oh there is something wrong with me)  He says several times that he doesn't know why he is so mean, most of the time he blames the others who are younger than him, there have been a couple of times he has said "I hate myself" "I am a bad kid" and he is not he is fantastic just mean at home.  Does anyone have this going on??

[mamabear72]

We have the exact same thing going on! My son is 9 and has extreme anger/rage and daily meltdowns. He is a very bright, top reader in his class and extremly verbal but has Sensory Integration issues that cause him to have constant anxiety. He's able to hold it together at school but once he gets home he's a pressure cooker waiting to pop.  We've had tons of testing done, Psychological, sensory, visual and it's been determined he has tendencies towards a Nonverbal Learning Disability (NLD) which is comorib with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID) It's a very confusing disorder because these children are so intelligent verbally. He has very bad fine motor skills ie. writing/cutting/coloring and is very clumsy.
The reason for the anger is the constant anxiety children with SID deal with on a daily basis. Things that wouldn't bother the average person drives them crazy. The clock ticking, cool air of an air cond. blowing on them, different food textures, loud environments (the mall is a killer for my son) it is so sensory overloading for him he acts almost ADHD there. He also exhibits fears so extremte to him they sometimes cause panic attack type symptoms. For example...he's afraid of being in his bedroom by himself at night. He says he doesn't feel safe there. No, it's not a ploy to stay up late or anything like that. When he wakes up in the middle of the night he has a look of fear in his eyes when he comes in and wakes me up. Another symptom of the NLD is not recognizing tones of voice or when "enough is enough". These kids tend to annoy others because they don't understand NONverbal cues ie. facial expressions & like I mentioned-tone of voice. One of the reasons for him sounding so verbaly  abusive is to him his own tone of voice sounds fine, normal, not negative one bit. Thank god he's not physically abusive, I mean we have the typical sibling spats but most of his anger is directly verbally or by him stomping around and slamming a door.
We're currently waiting to see a Psych. again and are starting some Cognative Behavior Therapy at home. I keep telling myself that it will get better as he gets older, either that or I'll start drinking... kidding!

[mags827]

I have the same issue with my son.  He is an angel at school, follows the rules and absolutely drives us crazy at home.  He is always angry, bored and following me around.  I had him tested in 2nd grade and he had above high intelligence, scored high in all academics and possibly early signs of ADD and it was suggested I had him tested in 4th grade, which I am in the process of doing.  He gets offended if anyone says anything to him that suggests he is not perfect.  I think we a support group for this.

[4son]

I have a 10year old son.  He is not gifted in school...pretty average however.  Has lots of friends.  He is very loving...when he wants to be.  There are times that I ask him to do something (clean room) and he will absolutely flip out.  He starts yelling saying he is not going to clean it, says he hates it here...then he says it is clean (when he didn't even touch a thing) and starts yelling again.  He will start punching things, kicking the wall, hitting himself.  After he has his break down and the whole family is now yelling, he calms down and cleans his room then says he is sorry.  If his brother starts singing a song in the car, my son asks him to stop...and if big brother doesn't stop singing...ding ROUND 1!  We shouldn't have to walk on egg shells around my youngest son, so that we don't tick him off or annoy him.  Twice he has been fighting with his brother and he went to pull out a knife from the kitchen.  He has broken 3 doors in my house.  Sometimes, everything his older brother does sets him off.  Even if I ask him to do a chore, I get a major attitude and an arguement starts.  He lies about doing his homework and I have to treat him like he is in 1st grade.  This doesn't happen on a daily basis, but at least 4 out of the 7 days in a week.  I don't know what else to do.  He calls his brother mean names.  His older brother does instigate some situations, but there are times when he does not.  Any suggestions?

[kacey4142]

My situation is nearly identical to the post of 4Son, except our son has a younger sister instead of an older brother.  He will be just fine one moment, but if someone touches the trigger, he reacts with physical aggression.  We are at our wits end.  Does anyone know what causes this anger or lack of impulse control?  I keep wondering where I went wrong.  We have a stable home, his dad and I have been married 12 years, financially and emotionally stable, our main source of stress is HIM, sad to say.  He has been to a counselors in the past, but he can really pull off a sweet loving child act (which he can be at times), I don't think they really got to know him.  We need help.  Will be seeing his counselor again next week.  Any insight to causes of behavior and how to deal with it would be helpful.

[ehoberg]

a kid acting out with pranks, is trying to get attention.

a kid acting out with aggression, is getting picked on.

you're going to have to figure it out from there.  And get professinal help.

[poshchef]

i too have a 10 year old son, he has learning problems at school but is beginning to get to a suitable level. his main problem is his anger at simple things. crying like a 2 year old for almost nothing. If he isnt happy he bites his wrist in frustration, throws a tantrum and says things such as " i hate you" I dont want to live here" etc. most of the time he is loving and caring. He has a younger brother who is doing well at school, very competative. He also has a very young sister and brother that i am afraid to leave around hom because i dont want them to pick up on his vibes. I am at my witts end and have tried punishments, grounding and taking things off him till he behaves. He seems to think the word SORRY will solve the issue and stop his punnishment. If the punnishment staus he just goes off on one again. HELP!!!!!!

[upsetstepmom]

A related discussion, Anger-Rage-Temper=FEAR was started.