I'm a single mom with full custody of an 11 y/o boy. His dad and I divorced when he was only 2. Initially we shared joint physical custody, but when my son was about to enter 2nd grade, my ex-husband had some financial issues so I ended up taking full custody of my son and have had him full time ever since. His dad only sees him every other weekend for the most part. When my son was about 3, I found him in my bedroom wearing my bra. He was just lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, wearing my bra, his boxers, and nothing else. He had his hands resting on the cups of the bra. I did not say anything to him, I just called my ex to tell him about it and he laughed. I decided not to make a big deal out of it so I let it go. This happened a few more times over the following months, he would go into the laundry basket and take my bra out and put it on. One time I gave him a hug and felt my bra under his shirt. He was so young that again, I never said anything and let it go. Just before I took my son full time, I started dating a man and it developed into a serious relationship that lasted about 4 years. During that time, he was a very postive influence in my son's life, they did a lot together like playing sports and video games and he would help him with homework. It also seemed that his obsession with wearing my bras stopped. Unfortunately the relationship ended about a year and a half ago. My son was upset about it for a while but he seems fine with it now. So now my concern...yesterday I was looking for a particular bra and couldn't find it anywhere. It never occurred to me to look in his room, but this morning, it hit me, I went to his room and sure enough, it was between his bed and the wall. So, technically this has been going on for about 7 years, on and off. I know little boys experiment, my older son who is 26 now used to wear my heels and make-up at about the same age my 11 year old started with my bras, but it was a phase that quickly passed. My 26 year old is a very well-adjusted "normal" man who has a wonderful girlfriend of 5 years and they have a great relationship. I guess I wouldn't be concerned about my 11 year old wearing my bras aside from the fact that it is still happening as he's about to enter into puberty. Somebody please tell me this is normal! He's a very good kid otherwise, respectful, knows right from wrong, etc.
Well, my first thought is that this has not been happening for the last 7 years. I think it is much more likely that its more of an 11 year old boy thing. He is at the age where this happens, and it may be that he is into puberty. I don't think its that abnormal, but how to deal with it.
Really depends on your relationship with him. And I hope other posters (women) chime in on this.
You could just ignore it - and wait till something bigger happens (hopefully it won't). You could just say that, " hey, I don't touch your stuff - you don't touch mine"
But, I am kind of thinking that he is trying to deal with puberty and the girls at his grade level and I am honestly not sure how to handle this cause it all depends on your relationship with him.
Will be curious to hear what others post - but I think I just would ignore it and really work on just establishing a really good non judgmental vocal relationship (ya, I know its hard with boys- do you ever read Zits in the comics?). Hope this helps!
They say many aspects of one's sexuality are in place at an early age, sometimes as early as 4 and 5 years. I remember being fascinated with feet at three, and at 45 I still have a healthy foot fetish that I happen to enjoy very much! It seems your son has a thing for women's underwear, bras anyway. There are worse things in life, and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about it.
My son isn't at this age yet, so I can only tell you how I think I would handle it. First I would ensure that nothing is said or done to make him feel like this is bad or wrong. I think when children feel ashamed it just makes them close up and of course impacts self esteem. I would keep the conversation very matter of fact and casual and the dialogue open. Encourage him to talk about it without pushing him on it. It could very well just be normal curiosity as boy's underwear is different then girls, and he is interested in the why's.
I don't believe it would be anything I would be overly concerned about. For me, this would not be a sign of anything negative. And as the poster above said, there are certainly worse things. I would discuss with him the need to keep this private (or he is being set up for a whole lot of bullying with friends and school mates) and something he should only do at home. Other then that, just keep the communication as open as possible and let him know it's not bad.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate your input! I did not mean to imply that this has been ongoing for 7 years, I should have said it started 7 years ago. Two things I thought of after posting that are relevent to the situation... The first is that when he was about 7, I walked in on him and a neighbor girl, pants around their ankles. They both jumped up as fast as they could and pulled their pants up. I told them both that they were too young to be touching each other there and I sent the little girl home. I made it clear that it was not appropriate but I also dropped the subject and never brought it up again. The second thing is that about a month or two ago, I went to look for a picture on my phone, the first thing I came to was a video that he had made of himself. He was in his room by himself, but he was acting as though he was talking to a girl that he likes that's in his class. At first it was just his face, then he pointed the camera to his crotch area, pulled down his shorts and exposed himself, all the while still "talking" to this girl, saying something like "hump on this". Naturally, I was mortified. No mother wants to see her son doing or saying anything sexual, at least I don't. I had a talk with him about it. I told him that again, he is too young to be concerned with sex, that he needs to concentrate on school, sports, and having fun with his friends. I told him there was plenty of time for that later when he is an adult and mature enough to handle a sexual relationship. I also told him that he should never disprespect any girl by doing or saying anything inappropriate to her. As far as my relationship with him goes, we are very close, he is not ashamed of his body and will stand naked in front of me with no problem. It's very important to me that he feels comfortable with me and that he can tell me anything and should never be embarrassed. I grew up Catholic, sex talk was forbidden and taboo, the naked body was something that should never be seen, I will NOT raise my son that way. I know that it could be much worse, but I guess deep down my fear is that he will grow into a sexually deviant adult and end up on the sex offender registry. I might just be paranoid, but maybe I'm not. He seems overly preoccupied with sex for his age. But then again I only have my one other son as a comparison. I guess I will just continue to love him and do my best with him, its all I can do.
Maybe he has sexual identity problems? If you ever read about stories of when gay people found out they were gay, or when transsexuals knew they wanted to change gender... They usually say, all their lives, or during very early puberty.
A factor, but unlikely since you found him with a young girl.
I was very sexual as a child... And I'm not a rapist :P
I definitely do not think he's gay, he's very girl crazy. And I agree that the bra obsession is more about women who wear them and not that he wants to dress as a woman. I think I watch too much true crime TV about serial rapists, lol. Thanks for all the input
Also boys think it is howlingly funny to stuff their tops with huge boobs. I can still see one of my young grandsons cavorting around the living room with two balloons stuffed into his t-shirt. All the kids thought he was a riot. (I did too.)
But have you noticed that girls don't play at being boys?
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