11 Year Old Afraid to Sleep Alone

[KAM006]

My eleven year old son is afraid to sleep by himself. Up until last month he slept with us, his parents. Since school has started, we have him sleeping with his eight year old sister who is constantly complaining and not wanting him to sleep with her. He seems to have some fear about sleeping alone. We have tried nightlights, sleeping with the dog, etc. but nothing seems to work.

Also, he is always tired, he has indicated to us. We get him to bed by 9:00 p.m., with him falling asleep by 9:30 p.m. but he has to wake up by 6:30 p.m. We cannot seem to get him to bed any earlier.

However, our greatest problem is that he is extremely fearful of sleeping alone. What are your suggestions.

Also, do they make a children's sleep pill? He is restless throughout much of his sleep.

Thank you.

[Fuzzygismogirl16]

Puberty is a big change. My daughter is the same. I give her evening primrose oil and advice, as I went through the same thing. Big changes for kids, personalities and bodies changing. Kids need to know that it's happening to everyone but in different ways.  It will pass but takes time.

[PinkPhoenix2003]

I am 11 and I have been sleeping in mum dads room, on the floor, for the past years or more all because I cannot fall asleep in my own room, when I lie in bed my heart starts beating fast and I start to panic. A couple of months ago I went a friends sleepover and still I panicked, but my friend mum told me her son went through the same thing and that he could only sleep on the floor but still that didn't make me feel any better. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can calm myself down when I get into bed?

[caringmom33]

I agree completely its fine and even kind of nice for a week or so but my daughter won't go upstairs by herself and when she is in her own bed either my husband or I have to be upstairs in our room or getting a shower as long as one of us are upstairs she's ok and I say that ok lightly because it takes her between an hour to an hour and a half to fall asleep and it becomes frustrating and makes it hard to keep a marriage strong because there are so many things my husband and I have to do downstairs after our kids are in bed that by the time we both get everything we need to do done we are to tired to have any time for us. Don't get the parents that are going through this wrong, we all love our kids and don't mind them sleeping with us when they are sick or just special occasion times but come on having your kids with you from dawn til the next day everyday you tend to stop having an identity other than mom and dad. Because once the kids move out you have to know how to be just husband and wife again. I love my daughter and as bad as she gets herself worked up I worry about health risks. I've even made her stay upstairs by herself for 10 minutes or so before during the day and it breaks my heart to hear her sobbing all the way downstairs. I don't understand and I want desperately to help her.

[Miacatcrazy]

OMG Im 11 and ive been sleeping on my moms and dads floor for 6 months i dont know how to stop cause I try to sleep alone but I cant its to hard its like  2 in the morning and im already so tired and i just give myself up for what i want but i want SLEEP

[caringmom33]

I agree completely its fine and even kind of nice for a week or so but my daughter won't go upstairs by herself and when she is in her own bed either my husband or I have to be upstairs in our room or getting a shower as long as one of us are upstairs she's ok and I say that ok lightly because it takes her between an hour to an hour and a half to fall asleep and it becomes frustrating and makes it hard to keep a marriage strong because there are so many things my husband and I have to do downstairs after our kids are in bed that by the time we both get everything we need to do done we are to tired to have any time for us. Don't get the parents that are going through this wrong, we all love our kids and don't mind them sleeping with us when they are sick or just special occasion times but come on having your kids with you from dawn til the next day everyday you tend to stop having an identity other than mom and dad. Because once the kids move out you have to know how to be just husband and wife again. I love my daughter and as bad as she gets herself worked up I worry about health risks. I've even made her stay upstairs by herself for 10 minutes or so before during the day and it breaks my heart to hear her sobbing all the way downstairs. I don't understand and I want desperately to help her.

[Impala67]

Hi. You may want to research sleep paralysis. It's somewhat common for people your age. Most people start to hallucinate when they go into an episode. Try to focus on moving one finger or toe, that usually will snap you out of it. When you sleep with your eyes open, your dreams can often become confused with reality. I suggest a sleep mask, stop watching scary movies, and talk to your mom about going back on your meds. Another reason for your "ghost sightings" is discussed here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infrasound#Suggested_relationship_to_ghost_sightings

[kittykoen]

Mary I am facing the same problem . I sure don't feel your wrong. I feel the same way as you do.

[Kittypie99]

Wow this thread is old. But if you're coming across this, and this described your child perfectly, I thought I would share my experience, as a 15 year old girl who once had the same problem. When I was 11, I couldn't sleep alone. From the time I was little, I had the craziest fears. Emperor Zurg and Darth Vader, ghosts, break ins through my window, even though my room was on the second floor, bugs eating me in my sleep. Weird, weird, fears, except of course, for the common fear of ghosts. Now what it was for me, wasn't exactly my fears, but the warm body sleeping next to me that protected me from my fears. The fact that I could feel someone pressed up against me. My parents, especially my father were worried about this and asked me why I wasn't sleeping alone, and that I shouldn't be embarrassed by the answer.  I told them everything, and they seemed to understand. So my mom went out and got me a turquoise body pillow from Marshall's. At first I thought this would never work. My mom said it didn't have to work right away. They were going to put me on a schedule. It started with every other night, I would sleep alone with my body pillow, and the other nights, they would lie down with me. At 9:00, one of my parents would read me stories, and then kiss me goodnight, but they wouldn't turn out the light.
At first, it was scary. Sometimes terrifying, if I started thinking too much. But I would muster up the courage and sleep alone with the light on. Sometimes, if it was especially frightening, I'd play Disney music, or Christmas music, to protect me, even if it kept me up a little later, but I associated it with humans being in my room to protect me, as well as happy memories.  For every week, that I slept alone on the schedule, without running to fetch my parents in the middle of the night, My parents took me out for Dairy Queen, and I got to stay up 30 minutes later on weekends.
It took several months to get the hang of it, but soon, my parents put me on a weekly schedule. Once a week, they would lie down with me, and the other 6 nights, I would sleep alone. That was even more terrifying. I tossed and turned. It was really hard, but I eventually got the hang of it. And they rewarded me yet again. Plus, they let me have my first ever Slumber Party!
It kept going on like this, it went from weekly to bi monthly, from bi monthly to once a month. from once a month to once in two months, and then Soon, I was perfectly fine sleeping on my own.
Since then, my body pillow has gotten torn up and such. So I got a large stuffed panda to replace it. Sometimes, I think that's better, in  that it's easier to cuddle and feels more life like.
So that's my story! We will soon be starting this with my 11 yr old little brother.
My advice for you is to at least try the same. And to not expect it to happen over night. It took me over a year and a half to start constantly sleeping alone.
Good luck! :)

[IDoMyBest]

Thank you for letting me know what was going on in your head and possibly my own son.  You may have just made a big difference in his life and the life of others.

[jackmaree3]

thank you for your post , you just described  my 11 year old daughter , she is terrified to sleep on her own , said she sees shadows , i don't know what to do , can you help me please ?? x

[Panda_mummy]

My daughter slept with us or her younger brother most nights until she was about 13. Then she decided she wanted her own room and enjoyed making it her own. She had one or two nights when she popped in then after that has been absolutely fine. My son who had always slept well and is now 13 has now developed a fear of monsters. I know exactly why this is as he has a penchant for scary films and computer games - so I except the blame for allowing him too much exposure to such. We are now putting a ban on anything scary for a while and at the moment he sleeps with my husband and I have been sleeping in another room. We have just given his room a makeover with his direction so we plan to try him back in his own room shortly. He always has a nightlight and some music on. I believe that you should always do everything in your power to make your child feel secure and we had a hard time when my daughter was little having to go and lie with her until she went to sleep but I'm glad we did as I think she is growing up feeling secure and well adjusted. I like DrJustinAdams idea with the alarm.

Another suggestion I read was gradual withdrawal from the child's room. For example starting with sleeping in the bed together, then a mattress on the floor next to their bed for the parent, the gradually the mattress is moved a little bit further away until you are outside their room and eventually along the hall and back to your own room. Takes a lot of patience though and we were too lazy to do it we just got a really big bed for all of us!

Please, please never leave your child to suffer alone losing sleep, staying awake all night, sleeping in the kitchen, the bathroom etc. and sleep girl your mother is talking absolute ******** about spiritual wars at night. God loves you and always sends his angels to protect children. Try and talk to someone you trust outside of your mother's church to get a more balanced view. You are young and impressionable (not stupid) and your imagination can do all kinds of stuff if you are exposed to the wrong things.

Love to all of you who are dealing with these sleep problems. Take care of each other. Children are so precious.

[wallflower05]

I am a mental health social worker and I am working with a family with this same issue. The dynamics of the family are difficult to break through and the 12 year old sleeping with his grandmother seems to be just a symptom of everything else that has happened. There is a history of trauma but more than anything the grandmother is very co-dependent and tries to shield this child from everything in the world and this might sound bad but he is completely useless now. He can't do ANYTHING for himself, he can't even take shower alone, pick his own clothes, fix a snack. I am trying to address any barriers and the co-dependency with the grandmother but I also feel bad for her because she has already raised her children and now she has been raising her grandson who has a multitude of emotional and mental health challenges. I read a earlier post about how sleeping alone is something kind of new because back in the day people did not have space or could not afford to heat up a room. That's understandable but DSS also has rules about siblings sharing rooms and this would not be a DSS issue however, he is not learning to have ownership of his own body, his own space, to be independent and ultimately, grandma or anyone else cannot shield him from every single thing in the world.  I just don't know how to get that through to her. He says he is scared of the dark and sometimes he says he's not scared, he just wants his grandmother to sleep with him. I don't know anymore. At first I felt that I just shouldn't push it too much, and just let it go but that combined with bathing him and everything else is undoubtedly creating an adult who will not have any skills to care for himself. I see a lot of posts from other 11,12 year olds I didn't really see many about methods used to break the cycle if anyone has resources or a success story/tips, please share!!

[drjustinadams]

Hi,
I am a single father with an 11-y/o daughter.  I have raised her from a baby as a single parent.  I have always let her sleep in my bed on "special occasions" like birthdays, holiday eves (where we may fall asleep while watching a movie), Christmas etc....but have always encouraged her sleeping in her own bed as soon as she was old enough.  Over the years she has gone through "spurts" of times where she is afraid to sleep alone.  If she didn't start out in my bed (which I discouraged) she would often end up there by morning.  I have not ever allowed a female companion to spend the night when my daughter was in the house, and her "spurts" of discomfort are unrelated to any relationship I may have.  Honestly, I do not date very much or very often.
As she is getting older, she is becoming embarrassed by her "fright" of sleeping alone.  I have done my own experiments, and she definitely is well rested and alert when I let her start off and sleep the entire night in my bed, even though her bedtime is 8:30 and she is sound asleep by the time I come to bed between 11 - 12.  On other occassions, I have forbidden her to leave her room, on she is sometimes a wreck on the days following.  I have gotten notes from school saying she sometimes appears distracted and unable to focus and I can correlate those to times when I insist she spend the entire night in her own room.
Again, this is not all the time, but appears to come "in waves" with no discernable predictors....and this has been the case since she was very young.  It is becoming an issue now that she is getting older and is becoming embarrassed that she feels this way.
As a single parent (and a male raising a girl), I walk a fine line between parent, authoritarian, disciplinarian, guardian, friend, and confidant.  I would like to be all of those.  As far as female issues and puberty goes, she knows I am on OB/GYN physician and I started (age-appropriate) discussions with her early so that she would feel comfortable talking about things with me as she got older (don't know if this has worked but hopefully will make it less awkward for her).  I have tried to set-aside a "time-out" time where she can be free to tell me anything without judgement or fear of repurcussion....I have also said that she can ask me anything and expect a truthful response.  These have led to many good father-daughter conversations that are probably missing from many parent-child relationships, and I hope they continue truthfully as she gets older.  However, during any of our talks, she cannot describe why she gets so uncomfortable at times sleeping alone.
She freaked out when I mentioned visiting a child-psychologist.  I even assured her that the sessions would be confidential and I would never learn what she said if she didn't want me to know.  She promised that that there was nothing she was hiding, she truly didn't know why she reacts like this from time-to-time, but would feel like a "freak" if she had to go talk to a psychologist.
Recently, we had about 4 months without any incidences, but then all of a sudden, she has flipped back into one of these spells.  She is very embarrassed by this in the morning, but is in tears in the middle of the night.
So, I am trying the following (and I am not a behavioral psychologist).  I have promised her that I would sleep with her, but she would have to remain in her bedroom.  She will go to bed at her usual 8:30 bedtime, and that over-time I would decrease the amount of hours each night spent in her bed.  It started with me going to bed in her room when I was ready to go to sleep between 11-12 (she is usually sound asleep).  Over the course of a few weeks, I now set my alarm, and go to her room at 3AM.  So far, there are good results....she has not shed any tears or appeared to have any sleep disturbances.  She is aware that I will be setting my alarm later and later over then next few weeks, until eventually she will spend the entire night alone.
This is my solution and appears to (so far) be working.  I would appreciate any thoughts that anyone has to offer!
-Thanks

[Immababbysitter]

I think it should be once in a while , but not always because then the kid will grow up and be stuck to his parents . He will have more fears then all of his friends and his #1 resource will be to sleep with his arenas. I suggest you talk to the mom and , maybe he could sleep with her starting once a week , sometimes not , maybe the mother can put him to bed earlier and then sleep on the floor until he falls asleep. What i'm not getting is ... is the mother or the child the problem ? It's a wonderful thing to love , but it will become like a magnet to each other and , the more they grow up , even the father could get hurt because , getting older , he will take lots of space to sleep and the father will probably go down stairs , or ... you know and he might have back problems. Not only that , it could cause theme to divorce because they are tired and they might be cranky. It's a bad thing. When I was younger , I , myself used to do that . I got a doll and a big teddy , so when i held the doll , i felt loved , and when i felt the big teddy right next to me , i didn't feel alone. I suggest you pass on this text to the mother or the son. Even both of theme at the same time , but be sure to not hurt their feelings because that can cause sadness , and sadness might give the envy to go with the one you love most , our that you rely to more. The mother or the son.

[Sandman2]

      It would be helpful if you could relate what makes you afraid?  We might be able to suggest some ways to help with that.
      One thing that I can tell you is that there are like 134 posts on this topic and a good number of them are by people of your age.  And some of the posts by adults aren't worth the time to read because they don't have a clue.  And some of the posts have some very good ideas.  Point being that you are not the only one going through this.   So do take the time to read the posts.
    The one thing that I do know is that there is no way that you should be bullied at school over this or anything else.  I have been both an elementary school principal and a middle school Vice Principal and would never allow a kid to be bullied on my campus!  I am pretty sure that in this day and age - your administrator won't let it happen either.  But they need to know about this.  Perhaps talk with your parents to let them know that this is happening at school and ask them to call the principal.  That will get the fastest result.  But I would think that mentioning the bullying to your teacher or even to the principal will make things happen.
  Hope this helps.  

[Mehdjsbd360]

I am a 11 year old afraid to sleep by myself. I feel really bad about it because my parents can't get sleep. I am always afraid something or someone is going to get me. I always get bullyed at school for this everyone hates me. I really need help.  I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE please I need help. Everytime my parents put me in my bed I have to cry myself to sleep or stay up all night if anyone has a solution please tell me.

[Mehdjsbd360]

I am a 11 year old afraid to sleep by myself. I feel really bad about it because my parents can't get sleep. I am always afraid something or someone is going to get me. I always get bullyed at school for this everyone hates me. I really need help.  I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE please I need help. Everytime my parents put me in my bed I have to cry myself to sleep or stay up all night if anyone has a solution please tell me.

[Jenfvruvbru]

Maybe it's not the dark your sons scared of, maybe it's something he read off the internet? People (stupid people) have been putting things up about bloody marry and stuff (cause there stupid) and it has made ALOT of people scared so maybe it has to do with something he's seen/heard?

[eileen344]

This will pass.  You are someone that needs to be close to others or maybe you have an amazing imagination.  As you get older you will be want to sleep on your own.  For now if you can't sleep with your parents find ways to comfort yourself.  Hug an old teddy bear or tell someone you trust about this.  Try to find something positive to read before bed. Sensitive and imaginitive kids often become caring and creative adults.  We need people like you in this world.  

[salamander00]

I totally agree with you! I am 13 and my parents have allowed me to sleep with them since I was a baby......all of a sudden they decided that I had slept with them for too long. They basically threw me out and now I can't sleep. They don't understand why I can't sleep by myself and get mad at me. I always think if they would've made me sleep in my crib as a baby this never would've happened.

[TMarie68]

So, all these years later, are you sleeping better? I'm looking for answers to a sleeping problem my son has, and I would love to know if you have had success in dealing with your sleeping problems. Thanks, Teresa Adkins

[Jen2700]

Hi there-I just noticed this message is a few years old. I'm now going through this with my 10 yr old daughter. She is suddenly terrified at night to sleep by herself. We ended up letting her sleep in our room the last couple of months of school b/c we couldn't get her to sleep alone and she was staying up too late protesting. Now that it's summer we've tried to be tougher and demand she stays in her room, but she ends up coming out every 1/2 hour or so crying/trembling. I'm at a loss. Do you remember how yours panned out? Would love any advice if something worked for you or did she eventually outgrow it? Thank you.

[Jessica_v]

My son doesn't want to ever sleep on his own. He is 11 years old  and i just can not get him in his own room. I sometimes have  issues with my husband about it. People advice is that i should not let him get to me and just put him in his bed and lock my room. I can not do it to my son

[ChazMazziest]

Are all of you kidding me? Do you know why they can't sleep alone? Because you allowed them to sleep with you! And, not as a treat, but a lifestyle. Then, all of a sudden they are too big and you figure now they will just go to another room to sleep?  How about you starting today to sleep on the floor or the couch. Not an easy transition is it?

It has to stop and it will be a battle. Because you have been a sap for too long and your child knows it. And, if you want them to stop. Then you stop it, take your lumps stand your ground and understand it is what you made them into. Now you have to really do the hard work when there was a time it would have been an easy transition. But you were too caught up with you snuggly little baby doll then seeing what your responsibility really is, is to raise a child into an adult.  Instead, you are growing a monster.

For parents that have new children. They go from the crib to THEIR bed and THEIR room. Otherwise, your room IS their room.

Not rocket science. Common sense. You wanted a child but you seem to have forgotten the part about them growing up. You should be ALWAYS thinking of what you need to do to prepare for their future. Including where they will be sleeping and how you will get them there. Children are not light switches or toys.

[maxafrass]

That is totally true. Why would people ever do that? My 9 year old daughter sleeps with me. Shes scared of the dark, and everyday when she goes in her room, she checks behind the door to see if there's a murderer. Shes terrified. We cleaned her room, and had her sleep in it again. We provided her with a water bottle, and a hard cover book next to her, to comfort her, in case somebody comes in. (On her point of view) Shes unhappy with it as well. But it seems if we clean her room, provide a water bottle, and a hard cover book, shes fine. She plays hockey, and is afraid of watching 'Harry Potter' She cooks our lunch, dinner, and breakfast. I just don't understand why she can't sleep. (She WANTS to cook for us) Any more help?