11 Years Old Behavioral Problems

[iuliana]

Hello there,

My son is 11 years old, turns 12 in February. Recently I found his school agenda, which we knew he lost it a few months ago, teared up and down all over, every single page and the plastic covers, also several pages has been ripped away.

My story, in fact starts with this: He had a wallet where he raised money he received for holidays for his caroling.

We were suposed to go with him to the bank this weekend to deposit them in his bank account. We kept looking for that wallet all over the house and the wallet is nowhere. (My feeling is he took the wallet at school this first week of school after winter vacation to show off and either he lost it or something else could happen in the school with his wallet.) He insists he didn't take it at school but he also says he doesn't remember when he had last time that wallet. While looking after the wallet I found this "lost" agenda.
I wasn't too worried, back then when he lost it, until I saw this agenda how much hate is in all those paper cuts. It looks like there was a lot of fury, when he did that.

It is obvious he keeps lying  me and his father.

I am very surprised, because lately I had quite a few claims from school about his behavioral attitude, while until a year ago he was the best child, teachers used to tell me they've ever had.
He is very smart and I feel he is quite popular in the school. He used to be a straight A student in the best public school from our city; since a year ago I've moved him in this new school (not a bad school but not at that high level as it was the other one) has quite a few C-s, lots of B-s, non A-s and he doesn't seam to mind. He seams to be happy, but this agenda shows me the opposite. I believe he goes through a preteen stage, but looks like he is in a hot blood lately and I don't know how to talk with him.

I think I need help how to interact with him to bring him on the right path.

What could be the reason he changed so much lately.

Laura, his mom

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There can be any number of reasons why his behavior has changed, so there is really no point in my trying to speculate about that. In any case, his behavior indicates that he is in some turmoil, and it would be wise to arrange an evaluation for him. If he was succeeding in his former school, why did you transfer him?

[Hackleshmackle]

I believe your cold analogy is a little inaccurate.  This situation is more like having a fever after being in contact with people with various illnesses ranging from flu, pneumonia, chicken pox, and strep throat.  You want the doctor to tell which medicine to take.  But each illness requires a different medicine to make you better and without further testing there is no way to guess which illness you've caught.

Your son's problem could be anything from not liking his new school, boredom ( you did say his old school was more advanced), a school bully, or hanging with the wrong crowd.  

If your son won't talk to you, maybe you can schedule a meeting with his teachers and see about his schoolwork.  Maybe they have some clues about what is going on school.

In the end though, your his mom, and should just try having a heart to heart with him.  At the very least re-assure him and just let him know you and his dad are there and ready to listen if he ever needs it.

Good luck!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

What I am trying to convey to you is that he should be evaluated prior to your receiving other guidance. The guidance you need about how to interact with him depends on what is occurring with him. It would be irresponsible of me to guide you any further without knowing what is happening psychologically with your son. You are asking for guidance and I am offering it to you. Why are you reluctant to arrange the evaluation? I would think you would be eager to do so in order to help your son.

[iuliana]

...if you keep me sending to a specialist, before to give me a fine hint how to stop pretending "there is nothing wrong with him" and to act in front of him... doesn't help at all.... This is like: you have a cold you go to a specialist to send you to the pharmacy to get a Tylenol (something that you could do before to go to a specialist). So before to go to see a specialist (because I don't think the situation is that bad, but not good either) I believe there is a way to make him talk about his situation. I am not too good at talking, neither his dad.

Regards,

Laura

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The main issue is to have him evaluated and then take in the guidance of the clinician who conducts the evaluation.

[iuliana]

I've moved my son from his old school because we've got a new hose and another neighbourhood. I would love to leave him in the old school but was too far for us to travel every day (more than 20km.).

I've just wanted to know if there is a way I should act to don't make this situation worse.

Thanks,

Laura