11 year old sleeps w/Dad

[cantwin76]

UGH I need help!!!

I've been in a relationship with my B/F for almost 6 years.  He has an 11 year old son who is his only child.  I've been involved in his life for over 3 years, the last 8months or so we have all lived together.  He and his ex-wife have joint custody and the toss him back and forth through the week.  There has been a growing tension surrounding a few issues, mainly his son's sleeping arrangements.

His now 11 year old son has always slept with his parents.  When at Mom's he still does and at our house also.  When we moved in together we got a 2BDR so that his son could have his own room.  My B/F agreed at that time that he would work with his son on getting him to sleep alone.  I have voiced my objections to his son being in the bed with me and him since the beginning ( I grew up sleeping in my own bed, and think it is entirely inappropriate for this to be occurring).  My bedroom is my sanctuary and is an "adult only" area in my eyes, the one place that shouldn't be overrun by the kid.

Months have passed and nothing has changed.  I've now purchased a home with 3BDR.  My boyfriend goes to bed in the other room with his son.  I work nights as an RN and sleep days.  I rarely get to sleep next to my boyfriend anymore.  I have repeatedly expressed to him that our bed is for us only.  They have begun sleeping back in our bed while I am at work.  I am angered by this.  I cannot understand why this is so difficult to break or why he doesnt understand how this will affect his kid longterm.  His son refuses to be alone, will not go in his room alone - even to watch TV, will not let us have even a few moments together alone.  He does not listen to me and I have no support from my B/F....  His son lacks independence and self sufficience...  he has no household responsibilities (b/f says oh just let him be a kid and live his life), he doesnt clean up after himself, doesn't use utensils at the dinner table (if i can get them to eat there instead of the coffee table.)


PLEASE HELP it is wrecking havoc on my relationship with the both of them.

[RockRose]

I do appreciate how you acknowledge this boy is in a joint custody situation and they "toss him back and forth through the week".

[cantwin76]

It is difficult - it does seem as though they do...  we never know which nights we will have him!!!! usually one of them calls the other at 4pm and says I'll get him or you get him!!  It's not fair to anyone involved...

We live in the same school area..  his son has never rode the bus, doesn't sleep over other kids houses and it goes on!!  Am I wrong or are these normal rites of passage for kids?

[Agiesmom]

I can totally understand how he would be insecure being tossed back and forth all week and never knowing when he will be where.  Poor kid.  It's sad, but adults don't seem to be able to put themselves in the place of children involved in divorce and cohabitation.

I admire your boyfriend for being there for his son.  He's a good father.  He should be doing what he is doing.  And he shouldn't have to worry about someone giving him a hard time for trying to help his son through a difficult time.  A difficult time for which your boyfriend likely feels guilty.

I would suggest that your boyfriend move into an apartment or house with just his son and focus on being a father without being pulled in another direction.  He's on the right track--his child should come first.  You probably won't understand this until you have a child one day who is heartbroken and scared and needing you when some guy is trying to tell you your bedroom is for adults only.

[turonmaruya]

I agree w angiesmom...you should support ur bf in this sitution if u really love him..the son comes with the package...it's not u and ur bf world alone...try to win the son's confidence or friendship then u start from there..look at him as part of ur bf..part of ur relationship..it's a GIVEN!...u have to accept and HELP...if u love this guy and will to be w him for life...then you must yield and accept...u will see that u did not only win..u will feel so much better...

[momma-of-3g1b]

LOL! These are not normal rights of passage for kids. Your bf must have feelings of guilt, so he just lets his son do what he wishes. It does'nt sound like its the sons fault but, rather the dads and ex's. Sleeping in bed with your son still at 11 is weird and unecessary, by continuing to act this way with his son he is not teaching him many skills and 11 year old boy should have at this time.

I GUESS

[momma-of-3g1b]

oops! continued!

I guess if your bf does'nt want to consider your thoughts and feelings, hes not ready for a relationship.
It doesnt sound like you are in anyway asking for too much, your request to have your bed back seems healthy and normal.
If he can not compromise, i think it is best that you all move on before it gets worse and the son feels like he is the cause of tension or other issues.

Again maybe your bf just is not ready for a relationship.

good luck

[Agiesmom]

While it may not appear to be obvious at first glance, I think we're all saying the same thing here.  He needs to focus on his child and getting him to the point where he is comfortable, happy, and secure (and behaving like a typical comfortable, happy, and secure 11 yo) and I don't think he can effectively do that while considering another adult's desires, wants, and needs.  He needs to focus on his child.

If this were a nuclear family, both adults would hopefully have the same goal and could work together for that same goal (helping their child).  But it isn't, so I still say he needs to move into his own place and help his child before he pursues any other relationships for himself.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

If you and your boyfriend are to have a successful relationship, this issue has to be addressed. It's understandable that this young boy would be insecure, but the way to help him is not to continue this habit of his and his father's sleeping in the same bed. The father is going to have to alter his approach if the boy is to make some progress. Since the boy is not in our care all of the time, you'll only be able to handle what occurs in your household. Perhaps your boyfriend would agree to seek some counseling with you to sort all this out with a clinician. If your boyfriend sees that he would be helping, not hurting, his son to alter his approach, he might be more ready to change.

[cantwin76]

Just a few notes of clarification...  I've been with my b/f for 6 years. I've been around his son for the last 3+ years.

[Micckell]

The kid is going through absolute hell, and I'm telling you this from direct experience.  I am now 20, and am an only child who grew up continually being shuffled back and forth between parents since i was 8, including when my dad got remarried when i was 13. What his son needs is stability. He has no place that he can call home, and is clinging to any sort of constant routine that he can get, whether he should have outgrown it by now or not. Without the stability of a normal home, he has no place from which to mature, and will instead be forced to dwell on the past. He needs to see a therapist, IMMEDIATELY, so that he can learn to understand what is going on with his conscious and subconscious feelings. Your b/f should see one as well, so that he can learn what the hell he is supposed to do, and it wouldn't hurt you either. You're not going to be able to understand what is going on in the kid's mind, and neither is your b/f, or anyone; nor should you feel any right to pretend that the three of you are going to work this out on your own. You MUST take him to a therapist, an outside source who will have a much better idea on how to handle the situation, and if it's uncomfortable to do so, too damn bad. If you don't, your b/f's son is not going to get better, he's only going to learn to hide his feelings better, until he loses all sense of his identity, and it will be almost physically painful for him to get close to anyone ever again.

[Micckell]

By the way, that ^ post was to you as well, it was my first post and i didn't know what the hell i was doing, ignore the MKL.

[babyangel431]

Ok I am someone dating a person with a child. However, I have talked to parents, friends and sibling who all have children some even from a broken home. My boyfriend and i, although not living together, are dealing with the same thing except a 6 year old. First let me say that the 6 year old is perfectly content, spoiled, and has a strong relationship with me. However, it is time for him to start to grow up. You do not want a teenager sleeping with mommy and daddy that is disturbing and also in some way harmful to the child. My boyfriends child is not yet to the age of getting any harm from sleeping with his parent but we are breaking him before we move to the next step (marriage). This way he doesn't feel like I took his place but his mother is not let making him sleep in his own bed which make it hard.

Now to your situation, you are not doing anything wrong. You are expressing compassion by caring that the child does not become 19 and still need to sleep in the bed with his dad. You didn't say that the child was having any problems dealing with the situation, so I am assuming he has not voice a complaint about being " tossed back and forth". Some children love being able to go to mommy anytime and daddy's anytime. However a set schedule should still be considered because it let the child know what to expect and feel more secure. If the child wants to visit the other parent that is different than the parents making the discission to switch night. We also had problems with them tossing the child back and forth and the child would become very upset wanting to see the other parent. Now we have a set schedule and he hardly ever talks about missing his mom while with us. Because he knows when he will see her again.

He needs to learn to sleep in his own bed. 11 year old is not far from being a teenager. He needs to be able to sleep by himself so he can have friends over to stay the night or stay the night with them. Even though I see how other people can say that the dad needs to focus on the child more and put him first I don't completely agree. In the bible it says that your wife should be first. I have heard many preach explain why. Because you are setting an example for your children on how to treat your their wifes or husbands and how they should act. The child does need lots of love and maybe even some extra daddy time but sleep time whether the child is in the bed with you or not is neutral time and should not be considered time with dad. Is sounds as though the dad and the child need to break the habit. Not only do children get accustomed to sleeping with parents but parent get use to them being there. I am sure your boyfriend feels guilty but instead of feeling guilty and letting a problem continue he needs to step up to the plate and be a dad. If he wants to give his son extra attention take him to the movies or to dinner or go play ball with him instead of sleeping with him. However he also needs to remember you. It is not selfish to have a healthy relationship with someone after you are divorce. It good for you, your new lovers and your children. My boyfriend's son loves me being there and gets attention from both of us. When I have to work late or have meeting and can't come over he is sad because not only is dad part of his life but so am i. Your boyfriend has to show his son that he can love you and him and he has to learn not to feel guilty. If he is being the best dad he knows how then he should not feel guilty about setting healthy guidelines for the child because that is what good parents do.

Hope this helps. If i was you I would just try to reinsure your boyfriend that he is a good father and that his son will be more content as a child who can go to friends houses and spend the night. maybe even ask the child if he would like to start having friends over to spend the night.

We did a sticker chart for sleeping in his own bed but your 11yr old may be too old for that but think of reward for sleeping in his own bed. Like a toy or getting to pick out the next family movie to watch. Or dad and him doing something special the next day.

[babyangel431]

P.s I also come from a divorced family so I don't feel like I am in anyway not considering the child here. Also if you have been with your boyfriend this long than it must mean the divorce was over 6 years ago and the child is probably become use to his life. Children know how to play parent to get what they want. Also if he is still having problems with the divorce then he probably does need to talk to a councilor and have his parents talk with him. But you didn't say he was. Sleeping in the bed with his dad can be just because of habit instead of being unhappy. Hang in there. Also I went through a period where I griped alot about things my boyfriend was not doing as a parent. The more I griped the less he did. So take about 2 months. Tell him before you start the 2 months that you are not happy with his son in the bed with him. Then try for 2 months not to complain about anything. Then when the 2 months are up sit down and talk. I gives you time to clear your mind and him time to realize that this is important. That may sound weird but I promise it helps. During that 2 months just try your best to be happy and not worry or stress out over this situation.