11 year old struggles with life

[stressed Mother]

I have an 11 yr old boy that is lacking organization skills, is very abusive with his younger brother and is showing I don't care attitude!!  I am getting calls from his school every day telling me he hasn't completed assignments or or unorganized.  When I try to correct this he get verbally abusive, and breaks things(he tore off the ears and arms of my teddy bear that sits on my bed)  He has given his 5 year old brother 4 sets of stitches on his head the last one resulting in Plastic Surgury.  I ask him to complete a simple task like cleaning up a cup he uses and he forgets. I have posted a simple schedule for him to follow after school giving him 2 hours of free time when things are done. This seems to cause more problems than good. I try to show I will reward him for good behavior like if he gets all his work done for a week we will go to the movie of his choice (age appropriate).  I don't know what to do it is causing problems with the other children and my relationship with my husband.  Anyone that can give me some assurance or input on what to do I would appreciate it.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You've tried some sensible approaches, but you're probably not getting the maximum benefit from them because of the lack of a systematic plan. Let me guide you to a sound program of behavior management, without going into all the details here. Take a look at Lynn Clark's book titled SOS: Help for Parents. This fundamental approach is quite effective, chiefly because it leaves little room for doubt in the mind of a child what will happen when certain behaviors (good or bad) occur. In addition, try speaking with a pediatric behavioral health or mental health clinician. Such guidance can be very helpful.

[JOJO2003]

I have an 11 year old daughter. She fights with me constantly about everthing. I like to keep my house clean and when she comes home from school she destroys everything. She will not help me out with anything and she gets mad and go's to her room, slams the door and turns her stereo up as loud as she can.
I'm about ready to lose my mind!! Any advice will be helpful.
Thankyou all!
JOJO2003

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Pre-adolescent girls can be a challenge when it comes to managing behavior. It's not clear whether you're experiencing something within the normal spectrum or whether your daughter might be displaying symptoms of an emotional disorder (e.g., mood disorder, disruptive behavior disorder). Arrange an evaluation with a mental health professional. This will clarify the situation and, if the situation reflects the normal ups and downs of parents and a pre-adolescent, you can receive some advice about behavior management. If an emotional disorder is diagnosed, you can receive advice about management and about other aspects of intervention.

[worriedmommie33]

I have a 10 year old boy who I am starting to have troubles with, and I'm not sure if I'm even handling them right. He is lying to about the silliest things. I don't know how to get him to stop and be honest to me. I am afraid that if this continues as he gets older, he will lie about everything. He has always been honest with me even if he knew he would get in trouble for it. The other problem is that is is very lazy and wants nothing to do with responsibility. He doesn't do his homework on his own unless told to do it. I have now assigned him garbage duty and so far so good. I told him that he will get no reminders to take out the garbage twice a week. Although if he forgets he will be woken up at one a.m. to take it out. With his schoolwork he is getting very lazy and for the first time is getting a few bad grades. He has always been a straight A student. I feel that all of this has to do with a transition into pubertity. Because he now talks about his "social life". I just am not sure the best way to handle this so I don't lose him as a teenager, he an I have always been close. Someone please help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It may be a bit too demanding to think that a ten-year-old won't require reminders re: chores. It's perfectly normal to require such reminders - the more important issue is his performing the chore once he is reminded. To wake him up at 1:00 am isn't a sound approach. Re: homework, it's also not unusual for a parent to have to be the 'watchdog'. Be sure he is correctly listing all his assignments, and then monitor to be sure he completes them all. The old maxim "Work before play" applies here. After a brief time to relax after school, be sure the homework is completed before recreational activities (TV, video games, computer) are permitted. Re: lying, continue to announce how imprtant it is to you that he be truthful, and establish a standard consequence (e.g., grounding for two days - including no TV, video, etc.) for episodes when he is discovered to have been untruthful.