11yr old sleeping and kissing momy

I am very concered about behavior of my 11yr old step son.  Every night he gets ready for bed. he comes down stairs in only his pajama pants.   His voice raises and his maturity drops to a two year old.  He ALWAYS walks over to his mother and starts "Hi MOMY," then continures on with statements like, "I'm a good boy",  he continures wiht bizzare comical faces to get reactions. There have been times when I have walked into the kitchen an found him on the floor, wrapped in a blanket with thumb in his mouth, yearning for a reaction. I always just step over him and say nothing or tell him to get up.

He then proceeds to snuggle on the sofa wiht his mother.  He  clamps on to her, continuing the babyish talk.  My wife then goes upstairs to go through her normal night time routine to get ready for bed.   He is right on her tail to chat wiht her.  She then crawls into bed, he always, without invite, crawls under the covers wiht her and clamps on again with several baby type comments.  Then it is time for bed. My wife tells him to leave and the 30 minute process starts.   He will leane half his body over her so he is face to face with her in bed and kis her on the lips.  When we first were married, he would kiss her on the lips, not a peck, a kiss!  In groups of 3-6kisses at a time.  He would kiss her at least two batches before he got out of bed. Then it would happen every few minutes for a half hour.  Mommy do you work? kiss kiss kiss,  momy i'm right down here, kiss kiss kiss,  momy the carpet is dirty over there? kiss kiss kiss,  oh I forgot ......fill in the blank.   kiss kiss kiss.   One night I counted. from aproximately 8pm to 2 am he kissed my wife 28 times before he went ot sleep.

I flipped and started a fight about this kissing.   My wife hesitantly agreed and started to have him kiss her on the cheek. The multible kisses continued but less and on the cheek. Ocassionaly he will grab her face and turn it so he can kiss her on the lips. This makes my skin crawl.   This behavior with the bed and kissing happens EVERY night.

He also recieves a kiss to wake up, and through out the day for any little thing. If my wife does anything, to inlcude getting the mail, get the garbage, walk around the neihborhood or ANYTHING, he must hug and kiss her before she leaves. He is always in a small panic if she is doing anything without him near.

My wife is blind to these actions.  She has  reciprocity to the physical actons of her son. Yet does not feel there is anything wrong.

AMY I CRAZY OR IS THIS TOTALLY INAPROPRIATE AND GROSS?????

[RockRose]

I have a few questions for clarity.  You say "when you first were married" - have you been married for a long time,  or are you newlyweds?

Honestly,  I wouldn't have married a woman with this family dynamic.  It sounds like she is causing it.  There is a dynamic between the two of them that is sexual babying,  and I think it's coming from her,  not him.  

I think you all need family counseling,  but I will warn you,  at first a counselor will take what you are saying with a grain of salt.  Stepfathers constantly complain about normal loving relationships between their stepsons and their wives.  

This is so far beyond normal that it is bizarre,  and I don't know what's keeping you in that family.  I'd be gone.  God knows what's to come.

[concerned757]

The last portion of this question states "She has reciprocity to the physical...."  It should say She has NO reciprocity to the physical...."

thanks

[RockRose]

Well that changes things a little,  concerned,  but really,  for her not to put a stop to this very bizarre behavior,  and recognize it as so,  there's something very strange about her own attachment to him.

I hope she is willing to get family counseling.    As this boy gets bigger and bolder,  I'd watch out.

[Julie359]

Ok i have studied child psychology and i will tell you what may be going on.  When a child hits 3 or 4 years old they go through a phase where they indentify the mother (if a boy) father (girl) as a sexual object.  They become very protective other the parent and see that parent as all their's and only their's, the same sex parent as the child will become like a threat almost.  This can sometimes be where the phrase 'mommy's boy' or 'daddy's girl' comes from.  Now, i don't know how long you have been in this childs life but what may be happening is he has regressed back to this behaviour and sees you as the threat, so he is displaying behaviour that makes his mum focus all of her love and affection on him so he can feel like the dominate male in your family.  He is constantly smothering her in kisses and full on attention in the hope he wont become invisable or 2nd place.....  In short he is very insecure right now and feels you will take his mother away from him.  He loves his mother very much and just can not accept love from her being shown to another man.

As to what to do about this,  i think it's going to take time.  Also maybe a good old chat between him and his mum, with her stating that no one will take her away and she loves him very much may help him realise everything will be ok.  It may be a good idea for you to be involved as well so you can reasure him as well that your not going to steal his mum and you have love for him also.  Be gentle with him and try not to dominate him too harshly as it will only make his behaviour worse and he will become more obessed over her as you will become more of a threat.

Please let me know what you think and what you decide to do.  Good-luck Julie

[mammo]

This obviously isn't normal behavior for an 11 year old.  But if the mother has allowed this to continue for any length of time, it may be difficult to break.  You as the step -father should spend more time with him, be his pal so that he views the three of you as a unit.  If it was just him and his mother alone for awhile, then he surely feels threatened by you and is reverting back to his younger days. A lot comes into play here, does he see his father, does he have friends his own age, or is everything revolve around your wife?  Is he dependent on her for everyhting?  Boys this age would rather be out playing with their friends than hanging out with mom so much.  If you see him acting like a baby, don't ignore him, be playful and say something like "come on, we're big guys, we don't act like babies."  He may just be vieing for your attention too.  Have a serious talk with your wife, let her know she has to set boundaries for the boy.  When it's bedtime, a big hug and kiss and off to his own bed.  He may have some seperation anxiety going on also since you say he gets upset if she does anything without him.  He needs friends his own age, and needs to be involved in extra-curricular activities to build his self-esteem, and to be with others his own age.  Your wife will have to set the ground rules or the boy may blame you.  She has to realize that this is not normal behavior and she needs to nip it in the bud now.  You're in a difficult situation, but one I feel can be worked out.  Take care.