12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER

HI,
    IT SEEM'S AS THOUGH THE PAST FEW YEAR'S, MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN BECOMING MORE DISRESPECTFUL TO ME. IN 2005 WE WERE IN A SHELTER, AFTER THAT THING'S DIDN'T IMPROVE MUCH FINANCIALLY FOR ME. SHE HAS BEEN USED TO HAVING PRETTY MUCH WHAT SHE NEEDED. IT SEEM'S TO ME THAT EVER SINCE I HAVE GONE DOWN HILL IN THAT AREA, HER ATTITUDE HAS CHANGED TOWARD'S ME. SHE SAY'S THAT I ONLY THINK OF MYSELF, WHICH IS SO FAR OFF, SHE SAY'S I DON'T ALLOW HER TO WATCH SHOW'S THAT I KNOW ARE INAPROPRIATE, AND SHE CAN'T STAY ON THE COMP. AS LONG AS SHE WANT'S. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME GOING TO SCHOOL FUNCTION'S OR THIS YEAR SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO TAKE HER TRICK OR TREATING, BUT HER FRIEND'S MOM'S ARE TAKING THEM. IT SEEM'S AS THOUGH MY LUCK FOR THE PAST 3 YEAR'S HAS GONE DOWN HILL, WE HAD TO MOVE TO MAINE TO LIVE AT MY SISTER'S, MY CAR CAUGHT ON FIRE A FEW MONTH'S AGO, I STILL DON'T HAVE A JOB, I FEEL AS THOUGH SHE HATE'S ME OR EMBARRESSED OF ME! I AM A SINGLE MOM AND I DON'T HAVE THE FATHER AROUND, WHICH WOULDN'T BE A GOOD INFLUENCE ON HER ANYWAY'S, SO EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR MY DAUGHTER HAS COME FROM ME FOR THE PAST 12 YEAR'S. I HAVE BEEN THINKING THAT WE SHOULD SEE A THERAPIST AND GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE SITUATION. DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHT ON THIS SITUATION THAT MAY BE HELPFUL TO ME? ~THANK YOU~

[April2]

I hate to say this but she sounds like a pretty normal preteen getting ready to enter her teen years! I first started noticing this in both my son and daughter at around age 12. They start to pull away more. They don't confide in you as much. They would rather be with their friends or even their friends parents because they're cooler than you (don't take it personally!) They act like they're embarressed to be seen with you but it's ok to be seen with other's parents (see note on how they're cooler than you!)
My son turned into a real snot from about 12-15. Everytime we tried to talk to him especially in public he'd look at us like we'd just grown horns! My daughter became more mouthy than my son (I think it's a girl thing) But they both went through the "horrible teens". My son is pretty much over it. He's now 19 and has turned into a very compassionate, thoughtful young man. So there is hope! My daughter's not quite there yet.

They will fight you and test you on everything! Just remain consistant but loving. Try and keep the communication lines open. I try and make a practice of setting aside some time to talk to my kids every day asking how things are going, etc. Try to not take things personally. I know how hard that is! My kids, especially my daughter (like I said, girls are more verbal) have really hurt my feelings. I always envied my husband because he'd take a tense situation and lighten it up by making a joke about it or whatever. He never took stuff seriously.

If you feel she's depressed or engaging in risky or dangerous behaviour then I'd say get her into counseling. But from what you've said she sounds pretty normal. Also, remember, our counselor would tell us, "teenagers are natorious narcissists"! They can get pretty self-centered. Don't worry. You could be the worlds most perfect mother and she'd still find something about you to be embarresed by! It's not you! She's just being a normal kid! Just keep your chin up. Stick to your guns. Moniter the TV and the computer, very important!(And don't forget the music she's listening to. Some of it is real garbage anymore, rated X!) If she complains, ignore it. Just calmly explain that in your house these are the rules. Of course she will say how ALL her friends are doing this or that and how unfair you're being if you don't let her do whatever she wants. Don't believe it! She will pull all the punches to try and guilt you into giving in to her. Believe me, I've been there! Kids are smart. She'll do whatever she can to get you to do what she wants.

Don't be embarressed about not having a job yet.Talk to her about it. Tell her you know how hard it's been and how you appreciate her patience with it all and that you hope to be back on your feet soon. Like I said, keep the communications lines open (and try to ignore the rolling eyes!)

Find at least one nice thing to say to her each day. Some days it will be hard to think of anything! But if you do that even when she's not being so nice, she will soften up a little more and probably start talking more. It's a difficult age. She's going through puberty and her body's probably going through a lot of changes, not to mention the stresses she has at school and with her peers. So keep a nice balance of being mom who enforces the rules and the friend who will listen to her when she needs you. If you do too much of one or the other, it will backfire. If you're too strict and rigid, she'll rebel and do things behind your back. If you're too soft, she'll walk all over you. Nobody ever said it's easy being a parent! I hope any of this helps!

[cnickelson1]

I think April2 has some really great points.  Your daughter is only 12 and does not understand fully the things you are sacrificing or doing on her behalf.  My little sister went through a similar situation with my mom and moved in with my dad.  My mom was not such a great influence on her.  Once my dad had settled her in to his home he staye consistant on a few things.  He always pried into her life.  asking and prying any information he could out of her in a non-intergating fashion.  He tried to remember when she had tests or "big" events so he could be sure to ask about them.  He was open about everything he was doing with her and their life together.  If there was any kind of decision to make he would ask her opinion (even though he had the final decision)so she felt involved.  He also did one thing that was huge.  He made sure that they ate together at least once a day usually dinner.  My sister went from a 13 year old who wore too small of clothes and showed everything to a girl who was confident even in pull over sweaters and huge baggy pants.  just hang in there.  Junior High and High School are tough and kids have it a lot rougher and they use to.  Just show her how much you love her by being the parent that you need to be and not the friend she wants you to.  My father also introduced my sister to Church.  We are Baptist and she was Baptized on her own a few years ago.  It was huge.  This may be something you can both do.  Good Luck.

[RALPHIE1061]

THANKS SO MUCH GUYS...I HEAR YA, IT'S GOOD TO KNOW I AM NOT ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE ON PARENTING...:-)

[April2]

Oh no, you're not alone! Sometimes I think we need a support group for parents of teens to get us through those difficult teen years! :)