12 year old daughter will not tell the truth in regards to many things

[tlee]

My 12 year old daughter will almost always prefer to tell a lie then to tell the truth.  She can be caught doing something (such as putting the cat on her bed, which is not allowed, but will automatically come up with a lie or other version as to what is going on)instead of outright admitting that she did it.  She knows that she will only be talked to about this if the truth was told, but that does not seem to make a differnece.  The has now carried over into school.  There was an instance where another child pushed her into a locker.  At first we were told she did nothing to provoke this attack, nor did she say anything to this girl before or after.  Later my husband and I were told that afterwards when she was in the nurses office and the girl came in she called the girl stupid.  Then yet later when the principal was investigating this she told the principal that she in fact did call the girl a name before she was shoved into the locker.  This is very frustrating for my husband and myself as parents.  It seems to be an almost daily thing with her, but what seems to be most frustrating is that she will not tell one lie and stick to it, but will continually change it.  My husband and I are at our wits end.  We have 2 other children, a 7 yr old girl, and a 9 yr old boy, (the youngest 2 are both my husbands and my children).  The 12 yr old is mine form a previous marrige, but her biological father is not in the picture, and my present husband has been in her life since she was 8 months old.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The most prevalent reason for children's lying is to avoid trouble, so to speak. That is, children lie to escape consequences for wrongdoing. Of course, in reality the lying often compounds the problems, but in the eyes of a child the immediate desire to avoid detection or responsibility is paramount. On a behavior management level, it is important not only to communicate to your child the value you place on honesty, but also to follow through with a plan whereby it is in your child's vested interest to tell the truth. Since this behavior is so common with your daughter, I'd suggest a plan whereby you establish an automatic punishment for falsehoods, and also an automatic reward for instances when she is forthcoming with the truth. Then, it truly benefits her to be truthful. In addition, it may make sense to explore the broader motivation for the lying. Perhaps she fears your rejection; perhaps she cannot tolerate a view of herself as someone who does wrong, etc. To the extent that such psychological issues support, if you will, the lying, it would make sense to have her evaluated by a mental health professional. Therapy is not always useful in addressing such behavioral issues, but at times therpay is quite useful.

[bcrfowler]

My daughter always seem to do this as well.  Maybe she does some things to get attention.  My daughter always seemed to be more comfortable when there was conflict going on with her.  She's 25 years old, and she still seems to like conflict.  No matter what we did she would lie to me about things.  I don't think there is a answer we tried everything.

[heidi61]

My 8 year old daughter is starting to show the same behaviors.  Her 3rd grade teacher told me when asked a question, she begins with the truth, and then continues to make up something.  The teacher has to tell her to stop her "stories" in front of the class.  At home she will sound like she is quoting a fact out of a book, but we know that she is just making it up.  I used to call her my "storehouse of information", until I started to realize that she was telling lies.  This behavior has also caused her to lose friends.