12 y.o. peeping at 15 y.o. stepsisters -- Huge Family Problem

[momanddad]

My soon-to-be 13 yr.old son was caught looking into the bedroom window of my 15 yr.old step-sisters while they are changing after showering!  As you can imagine, my husband and I are outraged.  My son has been quite a challenge with behavior problems at home and school, and is characterized as passive-aggressive.  I just started taking him to therapy (1 session), but next has been rescheduled to 10/27...and I NEED ADVICE ASAP!  Needless to say, my stepdaughters feel violated!  They don't even want to be at our house, they want to go to their mothers (where they live 1/2 the week).  My husband applied something to the bathroom and their bedroom windows so this cannot happen again.  However, we're unsure of how to handle.  This has devasted me.  My son wrote 5 pg letter saying he was just trying to eavesdrop, not look.  We are reluctant to believe this (he has been known to lie).  My husband, that night, called him an f-ing pervent and told him he'd beat the sh*! out of him if he catches him doing any such thing again.  Not sure if my son needed to hear this, of harms the whole situation?  He's afraid the girls mother will take them away from him after she hears about this.  It disturbs me even more if my son is lying about what he was doing.  We've made him write apology letters, but the girls don't want to hear or read anything he has to say.  We've also put other punishments on my son...no computer, grounded, etc.  HOW SHOULD WE HANDLE?  How to we put our stepfamily back together?  My son lives with us full time as his father commited suicide 3 years ago this month (whole separate issue).  I'm nervous about leaving my son alone in the house with my husband in case he ever loses control and hits him (he's never hit him, or anyone, before)...we've been married 6-1/2 years.  My son used his little brothers outside toys to reach up to the window, and sneaks out at dark when he knows the girls are showering.  The toys were pulled up to the girls window last week, and my husband questioned it, but my son denied knowlege.  Plus access was made to the bathroom window.  My son now admits moving the toys to access BR windows (but not bathroom)...but again, just to listen.  My gut tells me otherwise.  Should I leave my son alone w/my husband tomorrow night (I have to work)???   WHAT DO WE DO?????  So far, I've kept him isolated to his bedroom so the girls don't have to see him (other than when they're getting ready for school in the morning), he eats dinner by himself after the girls are done.  I can't keep him there though!  I'm devasted, confused, stressed, etc.  I need advice!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It's important for you to develop some equanimity so that you can respond in a calm and sensible fashion. The emotionality around all this, on both your and your husband's parts, is not helpful. Of course the behavior deserves a clear and firm response: "You may not do such things!" Grounding for five days or so, along with the apology, is sufficient response. There's no need to shun your son; in fact, that is counterproductive. Your husband's response was clearly out of line. While his upset is understandable, his way of expressing it was certainly not. I don't blame you for being concerned about the relationship between your husband and your son. It needs to be addressed. If you are fearful of leaving your husband and son home without you, that's a big problem. You did the right thing by arranging therapy for your son. You and your husband should meet with someone as well. Yes, your son's behavior was out of line. But the reaction you and your husband are having to the behavior is not really helpful. Basically your behavioral response says to him: "You're such a bad person we don't even want to see you and you don't deserve to be around family members." Is that what you want to be conveying to him? He needs to know that the behavior was very wrong and won't be tolerated, but he also needs to know that he has your love and suport and that you want to help him, not shun and reject him.

[TKJ0321]

Your son was very wrong in what he did but he didn't deserve to be called an f--cking pervert. He is 13 years of age-which is the age that kids get interested about sex. My advice to you to is to sit him down and talk to him. If you are so concerned about leaving him alone with your husband that is not good either. If you cannot trust him then you need to do something about it or leave your husband. No 13 year old kid deserves to be called a f--cking pervert like your son was. He was VERY VERY wrong in looking at your stepdaughters but did not deserve that at all.

I think your husband overreacted about the situation what he should have done instead flipping and boarding up windows is talk to him about sex.

It very well could be that your son is acting out like this becuase of losing his father to suicide. I suggest therepy for him to deal with that.

[Shelsmom]

I agree with the last comment.  It is common for 13 year olds to be interested, but it does need to discussed.  I dont think he should be isolated though--he is looking for attention of some sort.  I think seeing a therapist would help him greatly.  I wish you lots of luck!!!

[momanddad]

Thanks for your comments.  My husband has calmed down, but still hasn't spoken much to my son.  The 3 of us plan to sit down and talk this out tomorrow morning...which is the next time all 3 of us will be home.  I'm not sure if my stepdaughters will want to talk once they come back to our house on Sunday...I hope so!

At least the situation feels more in perspective now, and hopefully we will deal with this correctly.  We will be addressing the whole situation with the therapist next Friday too.  

I am no longer worried about leaving my son and my husband alone...I never really thought he might hit him, but sometimes can't help but wonder what might trigger such a thing!?!  I would be more worried about the name-calling...but have let him know I do not agree with that and asked him not to do so.

[momanddad]

I appreciate your comments regarding my son.  Thank you.

I would now appreciate your comments regarding my stepdaughters.  They are not coming back here...they are staying at their mothers indefinately.  We cannot force them to live here as they are 15 yrs. old.  My husband is very sad about this.  They do not want to hear anything my son has to say and do not believe his explanation (we told them, they refuse to read the letters too) whatsoever.  I'd like to force them to go to the therapist with us even though that might not be for awhile before we're able to get that appt.  I'm sure they will resist.

What should we do in the meantime...not sure about putting our stepfamily back together, moving forward, putting this behind us (can we?) and healing?

Thanks!

[who_dis]

I wonder if they picked up on the overreaction that was displayed at first regarding the virtual shunning of your son in response to his behavior, and they are running with it.

Also, is their mother also saying horrible things to the girls about the boy?  She could be playing a role in this, too.  Just my thoughts.

[mperez]

i am going through a very hard time with my 6 yr old son but because he was been touching lil. girl in the same grade as him in areas he should not be touching and been looking up their skirts the phycologist has seen him 2 times and says he has been exposed to porn i dont think that is true. my husban says what if he tryes to do that to our daughter 1 yr old i dont think so my son is not his  and he seems to worry about my son teaching our other son 4 yrs old. so my son can not share a room with him just need someone to talk to .i hope things work out for youand your family

[Dabbledsome]

A related discussion, 13 year old looking in the window was started.