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13 year old social behavior

I am concerned about my 13 year old son.  He tries very hard to focus in school and his grades are decent.  He attends juijitsu, Muay Thai and skating after school . However, when it comes to socializing with other kids I don't feel/see he tries or even cares making friends for that matter with the kids in his activities.   often I get the feeling he's the same way in school and that scares me. He seems to talk to more girls than boys. He says that boys in his school speak with lots of profanity and use bad words a lot and he doesn't like that. He says that's why he hangs around in school with only girls. He doesn't like to text as much, he doesn't like to go to school dances or attend any socializing activities school related like his friends do.  I just don't know if this behavior is normal.  I am afraid to approach the school and seek guidance on how to adjust this behavior because I don't want to make it bigger that it probably is.  While he's in school I picture him trying hard to fit in and being picked on by other kids because he is a sweet boy and I feel he needs to socialize more but he may not know how. The kids he considers his best friend do not even hang around with him at school. They visit him often after school but they each have a best friend that is not my son. He's known these kids since elementary and I fear that he can't tell the difference between just friends and best friends. Please help! I don't want him to grow up socially damaged.  Your guidance would be deeply appreciated and thank you in advance.
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ok, first I agree with Specialmom.  Second, I taught 8th grade for many years.  That is one reason I asked about his birthday, because I have seen similar actions from kids who were young for their grade placement.  Birthdays ranging from Aug. through Sept. for example.
   However, the main thing I see is that you don't really know what is going on.  Everything you have said is what you THINK might be happening.  You say that, "I am afraid to approach the school and seek guidance on how to adjust this behavior because I don't want to make it bigger that it probably is."  What you need to do is go to the school to find out what is going on.  But, I also want to point out that the school year is very young.  If he is at a new school, for example, they would have no clue.  But since he has friends from elementary school. I would assume he has been at this school for awhile.   Talk to his counselor.  Just tell them you are concerned.  The counselor can talk to last years teachers and find out a lot of information.
   But, he is involved in 3 after school activities.   That is perhaps what you should be looking at.  Lets face it, you really have no idea what is going on at school.  I can tell you from personal experience that, that is the way 8th graders like it.
   Is this concern more because he no longer is telling you what is going on like he did in say - 6th grade?  That is very common!
   If he came directly home from school and did nothing but video games, I would be concerned.  He has a very active life.  My personal opinion is that I would not be concerned at all.    And, I do hope that you realize that boys of this age start to separate themselves from their moms (and dads).  It hurts.  So support him in what he does.  Let him know that you are there for him.  Hope this helps.
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2 Comments
Well it helps a lot to read this. I think you just called me out on exactly what's going on. I am afraid that he's not communicating with us. And yes, I have no clue of what's going on at school. All these articles telling me I have to know his friends, well I have no clue. Half of the kids he talks about I know nothing about them. I don't know their parents.  I don't know where they live but I guess I have to accept that fact the he's growing and I can't control him anymore. Yes that's freaks me out.
Also, I guess I'm puzzled because at his age I wanted permission to go the mall with friends and my fathers answer was always no. We let my son do a lot more if he wanted too and I guess maybe that's what's puzzling to me besides the other things I've already mentioned.
:)
Avatar universal
Sometimes if kids have identity issues they behave like that. I'm not sure but down the road your son may come out as gay. All my gay friends had girl best friends growing up and felt comfortable hanging out with all girls no boys.
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3 Comments
Lots of people have good friends of the opposite sex and it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.  That's a huge leap that I don't think I'd make.  
How can I tell if he has an identity issue?  I don't think that's the case here
Specialmom I agree with you.
973741 tn?1342342773
So, I have a son this same age and have always worried about him socially.  He has some challenges and we had to really work on his social skills.  One thing that I found is that kids can avoid social interaction for fear of failure.  If someone was mean, bullying him, etc. ---  they are afraid to reach out.  This was the case at times with my son.  I found it important to work on having a solid friend.  I wanted many friends for him but even if he had just one, I would be okay with that.  I fostered it.  Can you do that?  Plan something with one of his friends and make it happen?  And if his best friends are girls, so be it.  What's important is the connection and not the sex of the person that he has the connection with.  

My son does not have a large group of close friends.  His circle is quite small for his REAL friends.  But he now has confidence and has many semi friends that he is friendly with.  When he didn't have confidence, these acquaintance type of people were not really there.  

Do you suspect he's being left alone by the kids or that he is staying away on his own?  

And the BIG question . . .   is he unhappy about any of this?  My husband is a social butterfly and loves groups and lots of people.  Neither my myself nor my son are like this.  My husband had to readjust his expectations for our son to what was more his son's liking than his.  Does that make sense?
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1 Comments
Hello, thank you so much for sharing this.

I actually already have two friends he's had since kindergarten and I get them together so they can do things together but of course I have them plan things out and I just take care of the driving around. I let them plan fun things to do but the problem I see is that wth school they may see each other but they don't hangout.  I always worry because it leaves me wondering of why do I put so much effort and yet they don't hangout at school. I feel like I've cultivated that friendship but yet it's not really going anywhere.  They do see each other and they seems like they're the best of friends when they hang out outside of school but why is it different in school? Sometimes I just want to go school and watch him but I wish there was a way he didn't see me.

My son has been bullied in the past. There is always someone who is doing something to him. I hate it. It's almost as if he's expecting to get picked on. I tell him to ignore but also to defend himself it gets to that point. He does feel intimidated because he says he doesn't understand what the kids talk about in school and he's clear that he's not interested in learning it either. Most of the kids at his school talk about what every teen gets curious about at that age "the birds and bees" and the bad language too is something he hates.  He says that's why he hangout with girls instead.

I don't know if at school he's alone. I worry/suspect that he is staying away on his own.  He has friends that I know and he says he's stays with them but that he moves around from group to group.

My son seems to be a happy child. He loves his teachers and is super motivated on getting good grades. Everytime he takes quizzes he comes home showing off his grades.  He's happy just being home and playing with his iPad and just relaxing after he gets home from school. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm the one who needs to readjust and let things be. But I can't.  I don't want to fail him. I don't know what's normal. All I know is that at his age I wanted to go out with friends or be out in the streets playing a bike or with the neighborhood kids. I don't see any of that in him. He's afraid to ride the bikes around the block for fear of running into the troublemakers from school.
189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
Age can make a difference.  What grade is he in and when is his birthday?
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3 Comments
He's 13 and I'm the 8th Grade
I was more concerned about when he turned 13.  If he just turned 13, he would be one of the youngest kids in the class.  So when was his birthday?
He just turned 13 this past May 2017.
Avatar universal
As long as his interest in school doesnt fade, there is no problem with his behavior. Make sure his friends are nice but if he is not a social person, he is just not a social person. I grew up the same way. I never really had friends because I never really wanted them. I focused on school, sports, and my rescue dogs. I am now 24 and have a good job, good apartment, never been in any kind of trouble, and I am happy. Some people just like being alone. Don't be worried, just make sure he does good in school, and doesn't surround himself with bad people and he will be fine.
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