we are in possibly a crisis situation:
i have a 13 y.o. nephew, his father died 2 years ago, he has a sister and mother. the mother has depression and is medicated. we have suspected something is wrong w/ this boy for many years: he has always had a terrible temper, NO friends, never done well in school and he is too rough w/ his 12 y.o. sister. we suspected he inappropriately touched our son a few years ago (our son is 10 now), but my son has denied it. we didn't press the issue.
recently the nephew has started geting erections at odd times (and makes no effort to hide them). this i understand (i am a male and remember those times), in the last 2 weeks, he has let (or asked? or made?) his 7 y.o. female cousin suck his finger. she complied and my wife told them to stop. the 7 y.o. girl ALSO lost her father (3 years ago) and she seems to enjoy cuddling w/ the 13 y.o. boy. this makes him hard. today he was caressing her chest. she was not bothered, nor was he. my wife and i are upset. the boy;s mother asked me to talk to him. i'm just now talking to my OWN boy about sex, and feel out of my element.
needless to say, this is an explosive situation: the boy;s mother doesn't want her son labeled a molester (the boy has some learning problems and his mom has somewhat ignored them, because she doesn't want him labeled), the girl's mother doesn't want her daughter accused of enticing the boy. both mothers get uptight when we try to talk about their kid's problems. it's none of our business and we overreact, they say.
i don't have much of a close relationship w/ the boy, so this will be awkward. what to say to the boy? tell him erections are fine, but touching his cousin is wrong? tell him about masturbation? i really don't know what this boy understands/knows about sex. i suspect if we tell themoms to get their kids in councilling, they'd tel us to shove off.
please, any help? excuse the poor writing, it's 1.13 am and i'm tired.
I've never been in this situation or anything so i really have no idea what you should say or do, and as a woman i don't really know the mind of teenage boys but i'm going to give the advice i have anyways and hope it helps you out lol
He is 13, he is either going through puberty or already went through it so he should have already had the sex talk. And he is old enough to know this behavior is absolutely unacceptable. i believe both the children should be sat down and talked to about the inappropriateness of what they are doing. Your nephew touching anyone at his age is definitely a no no. I would definitely explain to him that it's normal to have an erection and I would explain to him about masturbation. Actually probably go ahead and explain about sex in a general way(not too many details). For example explain what sex is, explain about protection and everything. Or heck get him a book on anatomy and sex that doesn't go into crazy details. i do believe that kids have a natural curiosity about sex but at 13 your nephew needs to be told what is ok and what's not.
And even if his mother doesn't want her son labeled as a molester it's too late imo, i would count rubbing the chest of his child cousin to definitely be in the realm of molestation. I strongly believe both these kids need therapy. There should never be any kind of sexual relationship between family members and I think if there is then there is something psychologically wrong with the children. which may or may not be the fault of the parents. Has either of these kids seen sexual acts? either on tv or is there any chance they've seen them in person or been sexually abused themselves by someone??
You can try your hardest to make the parents see how wrong these acts are, but it's there job to handle it and if they choose to put blinders on and will not take into account the best interest of the children there's really nothing you can do about it besides trying that talk and if the behavior starts around you stop it immediately and do not let the children be alone together if they are with you. the best you can do is explain how you feel about the situation and don't put blame on the parents. maybe just suggest the children see therapists to make sure they aren't having a hard time coping with the death of their fathers(and don't mention about the sexual acts for therapy). Their parents may be more receptive to therapy if it is to deal with the loss.
If worse comes to worse and the situation intensifies and their parents are still refusing to see the problem in this, you could contact proper authorities and explain the situation and that the parents aren't taking the initiative to find out what the problems are and/or solve them and they may be able to get the children evaluated by a therapist.(although i'm not sure about that, i would hope they could at least)
Anyway good luck in that situation it is a delicate one and i hope for the childrens sake you can get to the root of all this.
I know you are looking for answers here, but I'm not sure I have them for you. I'm not thinking the boy needs a conversation about sex. He pretty much gets that. He needs to hear about boundaries. A seven year old little girl is OFF LIMITS, cousin or not. These kids should NEVER be unsupervised and it doesn't sound like they really aren't--- but I do think you have a situation that can get WAY out of hand with devestating consquences.
I do not understand the mothers for either child. I don't mean to be harsh. But I'm not sure what they are thinking. The mother of the boy sounds like she isn't performing her job as a mom very well in that she ignores trouble at school (and clearly at home as well) and doesn't want this addressed aggressively. Let him do this to a 7 year old down the street and see what that neighbor is going to say about it. She may claim him to be a molester in public. He needs help ---- badly. I really feel that. Losing a parent at such a young age is tragic. And if he had difficulty before the death, the poor kid needed lots of help to get through it. But that is no excuse for inappropriate behavior with a much younger child (whether she acts like it is okay or not). Boys get hormones---and they act wacky. But this is too much to tolerate.
So if you are stuck being the man in this child's life (and his mother's, I guess) I'd recommend tough love. Therapy---- a pediatrician can recommend someone. I'm sure it will be scarey for his mom to admit there is such a problem going on with her son---- but denying it won't help him in any way. Awkward as you say you aren't terribly close. But if it was your daughter ----- what would you think if he was doing these things? You'd ***** your pants. The other mom is a little odd too in that she is acting like it is not so bad that her daughter is invovled because she enjoys it. Young children can have sexual feelings----- doesn't mean it is right to allow her older cousin to give them to her.
I didn't mean to sound critical. You seem like you really want to help and were looking for opinions. I originally didn't answer because I wasn't sure if you'd like what I had to say. I hope you find the strength to deal with this situation as it will take courage.
awkward or not, just talk to him. he obviously needs a male role-model. he needs to know that some cares about him. help be the guidance that he needs. he sounds like he needs to learn self-control. are you up for that role? be that example that he needs. it's easier to show than to say. i don't know how much of his life you are in.
talk to their parents. tell them there child needs help. Social Services could come and take them away, if they don't do nothing about it. if he acts out in school, it's only a matter of time before someone interferes. if they don't want to listen then go to someone who will. speak with a counselor and get advise.
He's on his way to a doomed future is sounds.
Some parents just don't want to admit that there child is in the wrong, denial. but it may be too late by the time they realize how serious this is.
children mimic what they see in life. it's not really your problem, it's the parents. but i understand your concern, i would HAVE to put my two bits in if this was my family. especially if they were around my kids. they need to take more care in there son and daughter's future.
Obviously your nephew has had a bit of a rough start to his life and it seems like at this stage he doesn't know any better. By the sounds of it you are the only real male in his life so, even though you say your not close with him, think you need to address this as i believe he needs abit of guidance.
I believe he has started puberty, so therefore explain to him that he should try to hide his erections by either moving it up or to the side when he gets them, that that's what all men do when they get one, and let him know that it's ok to relieve himself in private. Also tell him your uncomfortable with the way he touches other people (he may get defensive here, thinking your accusing him etc, so tell him your not accusing him etc).
Lastly, be open and give him an opportunity to ask any questions he has as this will make it a more comfortable chat with him, and make him feel like he is able to speak to you about different things.
I know it's easy to 'say' these things but i feel this boy really needs some direction and guidance. all the best :)
Thank you for your help and insight. I guess I knew this all along. A few days ago, I had a sex talk with this boy, told him he was to never touch his cousin or any other girl like that again (or not until he and the girl were much older and they both consented), explained intercourse, masturbation... just before this talk the mother of the 7 y.o girl let her child spend the night there (I know). when she picked up the girl, the boy's mom was just getting out of the shower, the door was open and she was in plain sight of the boy (on the computer in the bedroom)... NOW she's concerned something is wrong. My wife told her we felt she shouldn't let the girl spend the night any more, the mother agrees.
I don't pretend to believe I have fixed anything, I asked the boy if he wanted me to invite him to do more stuff with me, and he said yes. My wife said she's going to talk to the mothe rof the boy to encourage her to get him councilling. I doubt my wife will, but we'll see.
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