13yr old with disturbing behavior

[kaotte]

My boyfriend has a son who has terrible mental issues that have not been completely diagnosed. From birth he and his ex say the they're son was not "Right". He would cry uncontrollably if he did not get his bottle on time etc. Much worse than a normal baby. He has been in and out of Mental hospitals for "short stents" due to violent outbursts, threatening violence with or without weapons ie. knives, broom handles etc. He is 13 now and is 5'6" and the problems are increasing. No remorse for ANYTHING, non feeling, complete disregard for anyone or they're possessions, violent tendencies, cold blank stares when questioned and guttural responses or no response at all. Hypersexuality, constantly has to steal electronic devices to watch porn and watching very sadistic porn, download or stay in the bath room for long periods of time. sneaks out during the night to roam neighborhood, steals ANYTHING and lies about where he got it even if we tell him we know where it came from. If we try to confront him on anything he gives this demonic glare or doesn't look at you at all. If his siblings confront him about stealing or doing something he screams in this deep voice to stop bothering him or making fun of him and/or tries to attack them with what ever he can grab. He has all of his psychiatrist and psychologist fooled because they do not see the child we do. None of the meds are working!!! WHAT DO WE DO? Is he becoming a sociopath?

[kaotte]

Thank you so much for your advice. I have been in this relationship for 3 years and it has been mentally trying for me as well. I have 3 kids but 1 is 5 and everything you advised I have had in my head for at least 2 years of this relationship.I have walked away numerous times to just come back becuase I love him. But I do not like his kid. Which is terrible. I honestly think he needs to be put in an inpatient residential facility for a very long time. All of the issues and I only named a few, happen anywhere... School, home, friends houses, etc. Just this past weekend he stole something from my best friends house. It is utterly embarrassing. We have tried to get him more consistant help but because he is on the state ins (medicaid) none cover inpatient residential. I am trying to prevent another Ted Bundy here and I feel like I am being ignored. I am not exaggerating when I say this kid is on a downward spiral!!!! I will not allow him to be alone to even watch tv with my 5 year old. It is so frustrating. But more so to my boyfriend who has him 24hrs a day and the mother is virtually not in the picture unless she wants to swoop in and act like supermom. I want to walk away but I know he would not do that to me. However, I follow through and he does not... Ugh..

[Sandman2]

   Yep, you really do have to worry about what he might do.  Kids who have ADHD or are bipolar will do stuff without thinking about the consequences.  And frankly if they are unmediated - counseling will not help much at this age.  The Porn is awful - but at this age not unusual.  What is bad is what it could lead to.  Most kids (while they might be fascinated) have a certain degree of self control, that he apparently does not and that is the scary part.
  If he is in a special school, then he has been diagnosed with something.  What is it?   And has his dad followed up with the school recommendations.  If not - then specialmom is certainly correct.  You need to get out of there because it only will get worse.  (And maybe, that will be a wakeup call to dad).

[kaotte]

He has fooled the psych's because if they do not talk to his father, the son goes into his counseling appt's and portrays this "no problem" attitude. The problem we have is it is a state based center he goes to for counseling and unless you have the kids baker acted, they do not inquire. Now that being said, my boyfriend is also at the "they are not going to help me" place. He has probably been BA 8 times. 4-5 In the last 3 years I have know them. The last time we begged them to do something instead of the 72 hr admission but they said his insurance did not pay or "help" with inpatient treatment and we would have to fill out this application to get other help. Well the application was initiated by the social worker but in a month and 1/2 we have heard nothing other than well maybe we will increase his counseling visits to once a week. He goes to a "special school" for kids that have trouble fitting in or fighting. If he goes 2 weeks without the cops getting called or being suspended its a miracle. We closed out the year last school year with him being suspended for fighting and calling the teacher a $#@*&^% B*&%$. Its not that he is a bad kid acting out. He literally sees nothing he does is wrong and has no remorse and/or feelings of right or wrong. Now his obsession is porn. To watch it how ever he can. Downloading on playstations, phones, childrens game devices, Kindle. It also does not matter where he is at and who's stuff he steals/ takes and hides to download. Not just "porn" either, porn that is off the charts as far as I guess you would consider normal porn. Sick, sadistic stuff. I am at a loss as to what to do. Unfortunately my boyfriend does not see the concern that I do about my 5yr old daughter's safety. He says he will protect her from him. Well if this kid can do all this right under our noses, 5 seconds of him with her alone could scar her for life. No thank you. I could not live with myself knowing I was concerned and did nothing to keep her from him.

[Sandman2]

  I really agree with specialmom.  I am curious though because you stated he has fooled the psyc's, etc.  How does the school system deal with him?  Or how does he do in school?

[kaotte]

Thank you so much. It is hard as it makes me feel terrible to walk away like I am bailing on him. But I mentally can't take the constant chaos and worry nor do I need my kid scarred for life because of this. You are right and I have been told by my friends the same. They know he is a good guy but just has a horrible living situation with his kids. It truly is a mental mess. I wish my head and my heart would get on the same page...

[specialmom]

Sweetie, you have other children YOU have to put first.  This isn't a good living arrangement for them or safe.  They need a safe and peaceful home.  It's hard but walking away is in their best interest.  Love does not conquer all in my opinion.  I've loved a few people over the years so know that you will love again but it would be better with someone that does not have such a huge thing on their plate.  Your boyfriend would probably do best also by having his sole purpose at this point to get his son back on track.  good luck

[specialmom]

Hi there.  In all honesty, this is such a sad situation that his parents must deal with.  I think as far as you go, you just support them in their quest for helping their son.  He will probably require a lot of their time.  

Psychiatrists and psychologists don't really get 'fooled' but the truth is . .. . does he show this at school? With friends?  Psychiatric illness is something that shows itself in a number of places and situations.  If it is only at home, one has to wonder if that is the dynamic involved.  Psychiatrists that treat children listen to parent input.  Listen to school input.  Etc.  They absolutely do take that into consideration.  They are NEVER with a child 24/7 to know exactly what they do at home.  

Your boyfriend could video tape him.  

I also think that looking for what he can do as an outlet is helpful.  Punching bag in the basement?  Karate?  (an art form and something  known to be awesome for troubled kids).  swimming?  etc.  Those type of activities are a 'release' to the nervous system.  It could help.

But I do think you must really consider if this relationship is worth it for you.  Personally, when picking a man to be with, I believe we must take all things into consideration.  This will never be easy.  Doubtful that he will just go away at 18 and live a productive life.  There is a good chance that his parents will have involvement for a long time.  Is it really worth living with someone that sounds out of control and violent by your description?  If you plan on having kids or have any, is it a good mix to add this man and his son to their lives or in the future are future kids safe with this boy?  

I'm very practical about relationships.  Not everyone we date are supposed to end up with permanently.  so, I'd consider if you want a life time of this or if it is better to find a partner with a more peaceful situation with his children.  Just some unsolicited advice meant only to help.  I want everyone including YOU to have a good life.  

good luck