I am concerned that my 14 year old daughter continually lies to me. She takes things from my bedroom(make-up) and then when asked if she took it she says no. Yet later I find it in her room. She also acts as if the rules I set forth in my house don't apply to her i.e., no food upstairs in the bedrooms. She still sneaks it upstairs. Recently I told her no nail polish in the house because she ruined a brand new kitchen table with nail polish remover. She knew she wasn't suppose to paint her nails at the table (the granite desk is the designated spot). All of it was thrown away after this incident. The other day I noticed her nails were painted and again she lied that she did it at a friends house yet I found the nail polish and remover in her room. A lot of times when I ask her to do things like chores she says she did when she really didn't. While I am thankful that so far these are not things that are dangerous or against the law I'm afraid as she gets older they will become that. I have done so many different punishments with no succcess. Nothing seems to work. She nevers seems remorseful. Why all the lying and why does she think that the rules don't apply to her???
Is this normal? I have a 12 year old son with none of these issues.
Thank you! I am so frustrated and hurt by the lying.
Your rules are too inflexible. A teenage girl who loves to paint her nails shouldn't have an unbendable rule that there is no nail polish in the house forever. That's too inflexible, and it bows to some piece of furniture instead of making your daughter feel like she has a place in her home. Furniture is replaceable.
If you start taking away deodorant or shaving cream from your son when he turns 14, he will also sneak them.
I'm not trying to be ugly or pick a fight - this no food upstairs, and especially no fingernail polish in the entire house, is making too many rules.
Well of course she tinks I am pickingon her and being unfair. I hear all the time about how her brother is so perfect...he is not of course but as I stated before I don't have these same issues with him. I don't believe I am overly strict - very opened minded and let her do a lot of things. Why is it a battle of wills? Why doesn't she respect me? Will this turn into someting more dangerous like drugs, sex, etc...
So you are just saying screw my rules???? I should let her do whatever she wants...regardless of the parameters I set. I was flexible about the nail polish for 14 years until she chose to forget what my rules were...what about repect??? What about the lying and taking things that don't belong to her?
annie - about the nail polish. Had you had innumerable incidents - carpet, chairs, tables ruined? Or was this in fact one single solitary incident, and that's the end of nail polish when in fact, she would just now be really beginning to enjoy it?
You can be mad at me all you want. I think you and your daughter are in for REAL headbutting if you can't forgive one incident of nail remover destruction, if that's what it is.
Believe me now or believe me later. Your rules are too inflexible. What about caring, and sharing?
It's just not about the nail polish...my goodness. This was not a single solitary incident - that's why the rule was to paint the nails on the granite desk because if something was spilled it was easily cleaned and not ruined. Do you let your kids write with permanent markers on the walls of your home?
I am more concerned about the lying... The nail polish was just an example of a recent incident that has been a part of her lying and not coming clean.
My kids don't write with permanent markers on the walls on purpose. I've had an expensive purse ruined by being brushed with a permanent marker, though, and I didn't ban them in the house. It didn't even occur to me to ban them.
Do what you want to do, Annie, it's your house.
You asked for input. That's your input. Ban toothpaste if someone steps on a tube on the carpet.
I have always told my son (now 11) that if he lies, he'll have two consequences--one for breaking the rule (or whatever) and one for lying about it. The consequences have to be reasonable, though. I haven't had any problems with lying. Then again, the consequences aren't so harsh that he would feel compelled to lie. I think the consequence should be enough to make them think (and remember), but not so severe that they would rather risk lying than to admit to doing anything wrong.
What would her consequence have been if when you saw her polished nails and asked if she did it in the house she were honest and said, "Yes"? What would the consequence have been if she admitted taking something of yours from your room when you asked her about it?
And if she truly feels that she can't do anything right (sounds that way from her comparison with her brother), she may figure "why bother even trying?".
After reading the above i am wondering how you were raised. The reason's you don't have these issues with your son is because your son doesn't DO what you apparently have issues with. (He doesn't paint his nails so you wouldn't have him lying about it)
Regardless of what people think or say your going to do what you do. But I’ll tell you one thing and I it's VERY rhetorical!! I was the oldest daughter. I had a brother who was 2 years younger, a sister who was 9 years younger, and a sister who was 14 years younger. Growing up I was not allowed to do many things because my mother wanted me to "respect her" and do as she wished. I too was not allowed to use make-up, nail polish, hair spray, or wear the clothes that "fit in" with my peers. Logically, my brother didn't have these same rules because they didn't apply. When my baby sister was born things got worse. My mother used me as an "example setter" for the younger ones and it made me rebel more then ever! I would constantly lie to my mother because either way the punishment was the same. If I told the truth I was grounded and if I lied I was grounded... I just figured if I was going to get grounded either way I might as well try to get away with it if it worked that was one less week i was grounded for. When I was 16 my parents divorced. My dad took all the kids but me. When I went to visit on the first weekend after they split up he very bluntly said to me "I know you lied to your mother a lot! But in this house if you lie it's automatically a week ON TOP of whatever punishment you get for actually doing something wrong. If you tell me the truth the 1st time I ask you we can talk about it and together come up with a punishment that fits the crime and maybe something different we can do so help you not have to break the rules again" My dad earned a lot of my respect by doing this because together we came up with solutions and sometimes I even gave him a reasonable explanations as to why I did whatever and didn't even get grounded. The fact was he wanted to open the communication door and earn my respect by giving me respect. I have NEVER lied to my dad since that day! I found that telling him the truth I had a much greater chance of not getting into trouble then trying to put forth the effort to lie and cover it up.
Here's my suggestion:
Talk to your daughter... explain to her that if you catch her in a lie it's going to be worse then if she told you the truth. (MAKE SURE THE PUNISHMENT FITS THE CRIME!!! + a day or 3 for lying about it) Also maybe tell her that if she can provide you with a LOGICAL reason for doing whatever she did wrong she may in fact not get in trouble. Also you need to remember your daughter is growing up. If she wants to paint her nails in her room provide her with a drop cloth so she can put it down when she wants to paint them. Ask her to please use the remover in the bathroom, as it only takes a few minutes to remove nail polish, and saves money if it spills. If she's taking your make-up (she idolizes you and wants to be as pretty as you so take it as a compliment) go out and purchase the same kind of make up as you and give it to her so she doesn't have to take yours. Parents these days set there kids up for failure... provide her with the outs so she doesn't have to lie, cheat and steal!!! If you don't allow her to do something... tell her to come to you first, have her explain why she wants to do it, and if it makes sense Maybe you should change the rule or at least come to a reasonable negotiation. (If she wants her skirt 4 inches and you want it 8 maybe allowing it to be 6 would be acceptable) it's going to negate her lying about it and make her feel like you actually care about her feelings. She didn't necessarily get her way but she feels she made headway!!!
I fell like everyone is missing my point about the lying...She is not a misfit among her peers. She has the cutest latest clothes. She has the latest cell phone that is cool for texting. She goes to the mall by herself and friends shopping all the time. She goes to High School dances - she is a part of the high school dance team. I take her to dance classes 3 nights a week. We just redecorated her bedroom. She dreams of one day becoming a fashion designer and decorted her room with that in mind. She started wearing make up in 7th grade. To me that seemed early but everyone was doing it and I didn't want her to feel like a misfit among her peers. It seemed like something small in the bigger battles that I knew lay ahead for her and I. She is blessed with a lot of things and a family that has gone above and beyond for her and that loves her dearly. She is a wonderful girl not doing any of the things that some of her peers are doing (alchohol, drugs). She still wants to hang out at home(our home) on the weekends with her friends. She is just now started getting boy crazy in a very innocent way and it's actully very cute to watch.
The thing that concerns me is why does she lye about these things that are little know but could end up being worse down the road? It hurts me when I am looking for something of mine and when I ask her if she took it she says "no" and then spend hours looking for it thinking I must be crazy...did I throw it way and not remember??? Later, it is found in her room.
My consequences are never very harsh..it's usually something like , no TV, computer for a day or no social things with friends for a day or two, yet nothing seems to help.
In a nutshell I am concerned about the lying and the attitude of "the rules don't apply to her".
I am not controlling...I feel kids needs rules and guidelines in life rather than letting them do whatever they feel like regardless of anyone or anything. I do want them grow to be happy adults - that is why I am concerned now!
I understand what your talking about and I don't think that anyone is saying you're overbearing or overreacting in your punishments. We do not live with you so we are forced to assume the worst unless you provide us with a different story. It seems to me that her idea of "the rules don't apply to me" is simply a phase. If she didn't do it before and it's just recent then be consistent about your punishments and let it be known that’s it's not going to be tolerated.
You said the consequences are never very harsh (and they don't appear to be)... are they worse when you find she lied about it or the same? How do you punish her for something she did 3 days ago?? SUGGESTION Does she earn money?? If so, when you notice that your something is missing and then in the following days discover she took them. DO NOT Allow her to keep what she took but tell her she's going to pay for them anyways (as she would be forced to do if she stole from a store) and take whatever $$ its worth. Followed by an explanation that if she had simply asked to borrow it you would have allowed her too and/or taken her out to purchase her own so she would not have to use yours. This teaches her the importance of asking and NOT taking without punishing her for something she did days in advance. And allows her to realize that she should have just asked or bought her own in the first place.
If she's lying to your face (example you know for a fact she did something and she bluntly lies about it) your punishment should be for the underlying crime of lying which should be a steady punishment regardless (you lie to me = automatically 1 week no phone or whatever) and that should remain consistent. The punishment for what she did wrong can remain varied if that suits you but if she lied about it, the punishment should be the varied punishment PLUS the consistent lie punishment. If you decide to implement this talk to her and make sure she is aware that the punishment is that much more severe if she lies then if she outright tells the truth.
I wouldn't be concerned so much with what’s going to happen later in her life... As a good parent it's hard not to think about it, but your teachings are what is going to mold her for the future. NOT what she lied about yesterday!!!! The "rules don't apply to me" attitude will subside as I went thru that as well and now I am 26 years old and a law enforcement officer. My bouts of lying left when the adolescents did and I am sure your daughter's will too!
Just remain consistent and continue to talk to her. Let her know if she thinks a rule is unfair, instead of breaking it and possibly lying about it tell her to come to you and explain to you why she thinks it’s unfair and maybe you two TOGETHER can come up with a compromise.
annie - I'm trying to picture exactly what is going on in your house, and between you and your daughter.
Does she lie at school and to her friends, or is this a dynamic that is just only at home?
I still think your rules are too inflexible. That's what I think. I think you allow her a lot of priviledges, but I think no fingernail polish in the house, for a teenager, is too restrictive. When I paint my nails I grab a section of newspaper, put it on the table and go. Unless she's slinging the polish all over the place it really shouldn't be a problem.
What would happen, honestly, try to picture this, if you said hey do you know where my lipstick is, and she said yeah it's in my purse. What would happen? Would you say oh do you like that shade - maybe we'll get you some. I need it - can you go fetch it for me? Is that how it would work, or would she have some consequence for using your stuff.
I'm sorry you're frustrated with me on this topic, but the thing is, she isn't violating any big rules. She's wearing your makeup and polishing her nails and spilling. The lying comes in when the rules are inflexible. If this isn't spilling into her other areas of her life, I think you need to rethink your rules .
Im not reading thru all those response-too many. bUT i also think you are a bit strict with the nail polish. Accidents happen. Youve never spilled nail polish and or remover? I have and im an adult. Rules are set for reasons and thats fine you have your but dont expect your daughter not to act out when some of your rules are ridiculous.
I don't think your punishment's are too harsh. I to have a 14 year old that is a compulsive liar. Seems to lie about the stupidest of things. She doesn't just lie to me and her father, she lies to her peers, her teachers basically just anyone at any time for any reason. Like "for example" I told her this evening she couldn't watch TV until her laundry in her room was folded and put away. I had to leave to drop her brother at baseball practice and when I returned she was not only watching TV but in my bed, under the covers with the homework she didn't have done sitting right next to her.
I told her she had 10 minutes then TV was off because even though she had folded her laundry her room was still a horrible mess. And I am not talking typical mess I am talking 2 bags of trash, food, paper, etc. mess. She went up to her room and 3 hours later when it was time to say goodnight the room looks no different. To top things off two hours later while putting away some laundry upstairs I decided to grab the laundry out of her and her sister's bathroom only to find the laundry she supposedly folded and put away wadded up and in the dirty laundry hamper in the bathroom. I guess by putting it in the bathroom I wouldn't see it until 3 or 4 days later so I may have forgotten, I'm not sure.
No punishment seems to work. She basically has told me she doesn't care. She is grounded from TV in her room, facebook, phone in her room and for all of spring break if she doesn't raise her grades to a better average. She basically tells me that well she cannot raise it in time so it doesn't matter. She told me I cannot take anything else away, I of course responded with I can take your radio and your bedroom door (which she will lose the door tomorrow until the room is clean).
I understand being at the whit's end. And she has a 16 year old older sister who mastered sneaking out of our house and sneaking boys in our house. One who lies for no reason as well.
You're not wrong to worry about it going further. My 14 year old got caught stealing a $2 lipgloss at the mall on a school field trip. She had to do community service and we paid a fortune in restitiution. Nothing has gotten better and nothing has changed, her stories just get more and more elaborate. I would imagine every other conversation I have with her has no truth to it whatsoever.
Now I can tell you that I am her step-mother. She lives in my house from Monday to Monday and with her Mother the following week. The rules at our houses are 100% different. We have continually asked to get on same page with punishments for lying, grades, etc. and we basically get "I don't have that problem" or no response at all. This has made both of my step daughters master liars.
I feel your pain. I noticed you said she has designer clothes, on the dance team and takes dance class. I would suggest starting with missing a practice (I know how important they are) for the next utter defiance. You can follow with if she continues to lie tell her she won't be allowed to dance.
Kids are cleaver, you can take their phone, they use their friends. You can take their facebook, they use someone else's. They say they are doing one thing and they 3-way call you to fool you. Honestly I've been through it all. I am a sucker because I get sick of the fighting and battles and just clean it up myself, wash it myself or just do it myself. I have given up on finding a solution to them lying, I truely believe it will take someone other than a parent to make a difference. Losing a friend is going to be a bigger impact.
They know we love them unconditionally. So they push and push and push, I am sure you remember pushing your parents. It won't be until her daughter pushes her buttons that she will realize how much she hurt you and how her actions dampered your relationship.
Hang in there, 4 more years and she will be gone, so you have to try to enjoy her while you can. You just need to come up with more clever ways to punish her when she lies.
Privacy is a HUGE thing for mine, so losing the door usually kicks a little respect for a few days anyway. I am going to start taking things from the laundry that I know I have previously washed and have not been worn. She will have to earn things back and they won't be easy chores either.
I've always told my daughter who is now 14 that she WILL NOT get in trouble if she just comes to me with the truth in the first place. She will get in trouble if she lies to me. I'm a very lenient Mom, and she knows I cannot stand to have things done behind my back, or be lied to, yet she insists on doung both. I try to remember back when I was that age, but there is no comparison. My mom was EXTREMELY mean, strict, controlling and not understanding at all. I'm just at a complete loss!
Hey, I hear you. My dad always said the same thing and I just resolved to not get caught.
Don't deal with the lying. Its not the problem. The problem is what is causing the lying. Punish her (fairly) for her actions. Be consistent. Be immediate. Be short term and escalate if it happens again. Do be understanding. Never try to change her behavior (punish) while angry at her. But most importantly get over the lying (I know it hurts). But the behavior you want to change is what she is covering up for by lying. To focus on lying, you are not dealing with the problem. Hope this helps.
I am sorry that you're going through this. Being a mom is not easy. You are asking for help because you are a good mom, but everyone is responding in extremely judgmental ways. That hurts. We moms need to support each other. I have three children and one of them is exactly the same way. I, too, worry about compulsive behaviors that will carry forward to dangerous situations. It happens. There is no cookie cutter answer. Trust your gut.
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