14 year old visiting gay websites

[troubledmom]

We have been noticing that our 14 year old son masturbates in private, . I also saw him going into or leaving my younger son's (age 9) room after my son fell asleep.  I talked to him and told him that this was inappropriate.  Recently, my son asked if he could have one of his new friends over since we were going to be at a party.  I told him that he could not.  We now found that he has been visiting gay pornographic websites.  He is otherwise developing normally and going through normal puberty signs.  He has never had too many friends, and has kept himself busy reading or playing games by himself. We are very concerned about his behavior, and would like to know how to handle this.  Is there a way to stop him?  Thank you for your help.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The masturbation is really a normal behavior for a boy his age. The sexually-oriented web sites are an attraction to many teens, and it does make sense to set limits on this. There is software available to block access to certain types of material, and there is also software that permits you to monitor (in addition to the History function on your computer) the internet activity of your children. I'm inferring from your note that you worry he might be attracted to homosexual activity. Now, his sexual orientation is going to be a focus at his age, and he'll need to figure this out. Have you asked him about this? Have you checked with his brother about any inappropriate behavior that might be occurring between them?

[troubledmom]

Thanks for your reply. My younger son did complain a long time ago that the older one was trying to make him touch him on his private parts.  This has stopped since I talked to him, however.  I am planning to talk to him about what is going on in his mind, but need help on what to talk to him about.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I'd raise very directly your knowledge that he has been viewing web sites with sexual content, and that you do not want this to continue. Let him know that you will suspend his use of the internet if he continues this. Obviously, setting limits on this behavior will not resolve the question about sexual identity/concerns, and this might more profitably be dealth with via counselling. Have you considered getting him someone to talk with?

[Kif]

Most teenagers go through a phase of wondering about their sexuality, so an interest in gay porn is not, in and of itself any reason to start registering him for some "Straight is Great!" summer camp just yet. And most will sneak a peak here or there at porn if the opportunity presents itself - it's not abnormal - it's as normal as your need to filter the content and graphic-ness of what he might stumble across.

The one issue that really concerns me in your letter is his sexual experimentation with the less than complicit permission of his younger brother. A lot of siblings will engage in mild sex play, which gives us as parents the opportunity to explain the sibling/incest taboo and the reasons behind it. But I am also very concerned about the fact that he continues to attempt to engage in this sort of play at his age (most people grow out of it as their understanding of the incest taboo matures) and especially because his brother is significantly younger than he is. It's this issue that I would be most interested in addressing with him were he my son.

Specifically, I would sit him down and explain about the incest and age taboos and how strongly they are taken by society. That by merely "offering" sexual activity to his younger brother he is putting the entire family into an untenable situation. It is highly, HIGHLY inappropriate and must STOP IMMEDIATELY. Then I would tell him that I was going to speak to his brother privately and instruct him to, if he EVER approaches him in a sexual way again,, yell for you immediately. Your nine year old should not have to be a participant in his older brother's finding himself.

And get the poor boy a good counsellor, because at 14 there is about this *.* much chance he is going to want to discuss his sexual confusion with his Mommy and Daddy.

[ErinF]

No, your son should not be touching his brother, or attempting to make his brother touch him.  That is WRONG any way you look at it.  You need to deal with that.

But aside from that, it's totally normal for a 14 year old boy to masturbate, and to want to look at porn.  If you disapprove of that, the doctor is right...you need to limit his exposure to it.

As far as being gay, who cares?  If he's gay, he's still your son, and he'll be the same boy he was before his sexual orientation developed.  If he is indeed homosexual, he's going to pick up on your obvious homophobia.  You don't have to love the idea that he may be gay, just try to accept it, and accept him as your child.

[islander]

It seems your concern over your son being gay has taken second place to the safety of your younger son. I hope you are not assuming that by telling your older son not to touch his brother is enough.  Please allow your younger son to lock his door.

It has to be upsetting thinking your son is gay. No one wants that for their children but I agree, if he is gay you wont be able to change it but do help him.

Just please please protect your younger son. The stats show that sexual abuse almost always happens by a family member. Dont let your younger sons life get ruined.

[CommonSense]

Where is the your Son's dad? Is he involved in this situation? Obviously you need to stop any inappropriate contact with his younger brother. And yes, it is OK for you to be concerned about his "sexual orientation". At 14 he should not be involved sexually in any way. Remember, you are the parent, and as such you set the limits. If you are concerned about his leanings, talk to him and discuss your concerns. Chances are he is just curious.