15 y/o step daughter behavior issues

[stepmom2969]

I have a 15 y/o step daughter and I've been raising her since she was 8 years old.  Now before I came along she had been failing school, even repeated kindergarten (teacher said she was too immature).  When she was 5 her bio mom was killed in a car accident so in first and second grade she learned nothing because the school and family all let her just go through those years with the excuse that her mother had been killed.  Now, don't think I'm not sympathetic, but even psychologists have said that six to twelve months and she should relatively have been back to normal behavior/learning capabilities.  I sat with her each day after school to get her homework done, as well as with her 2 younger sisters.  These were many times screaming matches and throwing things, definitely trying events on a daily basis.  She could not retain any instructions past the first one so every step had to be repeated and some many times.  I told my husband I believed that at the least she was probably ADHD and we needed to get her help, only to be told that him and her mother had made a decision that they would not medicate their children for behavior issues.  After several months, I convinced him to let me take her to the doctor as it was not fair of them to take whatever chance she had for success away from her.  So mid 3rd grade year I finally had a loose diagnosis of ADHD from the family physician and she was put on Vyvanse.  I also pushed for him to take her to therapy but he did not feel she needed it.

After a few more months more behavior issues because apparent; stealing, gorging herself on sugar, peeing on the floor of her room, eating dog food, and tying things around her neck and her sisters necks pretending to be dogs on a leash.  She would refuse to play any game her sisters were playing unless it included her dog play.  Most of this behavior seems to just escalate with her age.  Although her grades have ultimately improved greatly, I noticed that the work she was doing at school was just horrible.  I was saving all her papers as I did for all the girls till they entered middle school.  I started realizing they were just pushing her through school again so I requested a school meeting.  Ultimately, she was put into a special learning program as she had trouble reading.  She is now a freshman and reads on a sixth grade level.  I suspect it is mostly due to the lack of basic phonics she should have learned in first and second grades.

She has now moved into sexual behaviors.  Now I know, she's 14-15 and there is a natural curiosity, but I believe that this has crossed the natural line.  She started making homemade dildos with objects and uses them to satisfy herself.  The first one we found about a year ago and it was a stuffed condom, we are still not sure where she got the condom from.  This last one was some object stuffed into a plastic bag she claimed she got from the trash can.  I believe she is going to seriously harm herself doing this.

On top of all of this she feels no remorse, refuses to keep her personal hygiene up (to the point at times you can smell her from distances), and no amount of punishment of any kind works.

I fear for the younger children, should I be worried?  Is there a next part to this escalation?

[horseshoe2985]

I am so sorry to hear this. Have you taken her to counseling at all? I would really encourage you to go to counseling. Have you spoken with her doctor at all?

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

[specialmom]

Agree with rockrose.  

[RockRose]

God help the motherless child.

As I read through your post,  and the two responses,  I'm not 100% sure this girl is so far afield.  I see her as a girl mired in the pain of loss of her mother,  and it sounds like she has some learning disorders.

I've known kids - that age exactly - who pretended to be dogs.  One liked to play searchdogs,  where she and any playmate she could wrangle into the game,  would sniff sniff sniff around and finally locate some hidden object.  Another girl would play Mandy the Cockerspaniel,  and the game consisted of petting her on the head and telling her how pretty she was and how sweet while she panted and whined.  Then she'd get a treat that she'd gnaw on.   I don't think that kind of play is so unusual.

I also don't think masturbation for a girl that age is unusual,  either.  Hello Kitty makes a vibrating dildo.   So that says something.

The hygiene issue is a concern.  It indicates that she is on the defense,  and doesn't care what her peers think of her - in fact,  she wants to make the first move in a possible interaction by stinking.  This is a girl who quietly has her claws out and is pushing people away who might want to befriend her.  She is making the first move of rejecting them so she doesn't have to suffer through her attempts to be liked only to be rejected.

I think this is a girl who needed to be wrapped in the arms of a loving grandma or special aunt.  She is acting like a girl in foster care who has been shuttled around to a few uncaring homes.  

I think she needs to be in the "Big Brother Big Sister" program or something similar,  where someone who wants to love her can be a positive influence on her and try to heal some of the raw pain of loss that has never been addressed.

So yes,  counseling.  Secondarily,  please stop trying to "fix" her.  She's in agony.

[specialmom]

Oh, goodness.  It was hard for me to get passed the part about how you say people let her fail using the horrific loss of her mother as an excuse.  An already immature 5 year old goes through a very intense and emotional loss of her primary caregiver and it is an excuse that she struggles emotionally and in every other way for a couple of years?  wow. Hard to read.  Very telling as well about your way of thinking.

This poor girl.  Then she is having learning issues (although you still feel the need to mention that she was getting away with failing because of using an excuse and those rotten people in her life fell for it.  Oh yeah, and THEN, she's diagnosed with add/adhd.  I mean, could this girl have more things stacked against her?  

This is a girl in crisis.  It is so very very sad.  

I'm glad you've tried to help her but she needs more and more empathy on top of it.

If you don't have the power to make anything happen for her, I'm not sure what the point is.  Her dad did miss the boat by not following your advice years ago recommending therapy.  She needed it.  I'm sure the loss of her mother (as that rips a child's world apart) and other issues have a significant role in things.  And the at risk sexual behavior is often a sign of a child struggling with just that.  She may also feel like she had to vie for dad's attention when he remarried.  And it morphed into this.  

I do think she needs therapy and help.  But I'm not sure if she'll let you in to do it.  Any trusted grandparents that can take her under their wing?  Not to live with them but to get involved with coaching, helping, getting her into therapy?  Talking to the girl's father in a way that doesn't make him defensive as he seems to get with you thus keeping him in denial?  

Very difficult situation and yes, I absolutely do worry about this young girls future.  

[Jayde_Saphire]

Just a simple question.  Have you, as parents, spoken about maybe sending her to a facility of some sort that be equipped to handle these kinds of situations in children?

It sounds to me that, whether anyone wants to admit it or not, this child has some kind of mental issue, but is aware of what she is doing.  For some reason she believes that the way she is acting is acceptable.  Something needs to happen to show her that this is unacceptable behavior.  Also, I would prioritize the issues.  Which is the most important to you to address first and so forth.

Have you been keeping any kind of notes on what has been going on over the years, since she was 8 I mean?