2 and 4 year old always fighting

[Carrie Miller]

I have a 2 and 4 year old boys.  They seem to always fight with eachother.  I have placed them in time-outs, given spankings.  It does not seem to work.  I need to know if there is a way to disipline without having to yell, or time-outs or spankings.  It breaks my heart when I have to do this and yes I know that it has to be done.  I love my boys with all my heart, but displining is such a tough job.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Ms. Miller,

Managing children's behavior can indeed be difficult. If you are seeking an easy method, you're in for a fruitless search. But disciplining does not have to be accompanied by yelling or extreme anger. It is likely that your methods of instituting time outs are faulty, but remember that successful discipline does not mean that children won't repeat the behaviors. If you've read other postings on this topic, you know I think highly of two very useful books: S.O.S. Help for Parents, and 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline... Take a look at these, and you will be well on your way to a systematic plan for addressing your children's behavior. That means not only disciplining the children, but reinforcing and encouraging their successes.

[Pinkwheeler]

Oh my gosh!  I was going to write about the identical problem.  My boys are ages 1 and 1/2 and 3 and they are always fighting.  I too have tried yelling, spanking and time outs.  Nothing works.  They fight over everything from toys to who sits on what side of my husband or myself to who gets to be in line first to climb the stairs.  They are getting downright mean at times and it is my youngest one that seems to get the angriest.  He will tackle his brother at times.  Hitting back and forth, rolling on the ground.  My husband, who has a brother close to his age says this is all normal for young brothers.  I can't stand it and wont allow them to be physical with one another.  I can't wait to see your reply from the doctor!!!
Good luck!!!!

[Comment by Buddy]

I was the oldest of 4 boys.  How my mom ever made it I will never know.  I also have a son 3, and a daughter 2.  My son is forever trying to assert his dominence and throw his senority around.  I remember growing up with my brothers, this behavior still exists today to some degree, my younger brothers trying to best the older brothers and me trying not to get tripped up.  We are all a very close family we don't have family fights etc.  But we continually try to redefine the pecking order of our life so to speak.  We don't dwell on who wins or loses any particular game we might be playing but we are all keeping score, especially the youngest.  If you have ever watched puppies play you know it can seem like they are killing each other at times and that it is normal for them to play this way.  I think the same applies with children to some degree,  I.E. Balance, dexterity, Fat Burning, memory skills, muscle development, mental development.  However the parents should still monitor the children for spitefulness and punish accordingly.  Without the parent's to interject and provide logic and reason tempered with justice the children would grow up similar to pack animals.  Boys/Men are more instinctual than we would like to admit, if there were no consequences for our actions we would likely be extinct by now.  I watch my children growing up and laugh about the things they are doing that my brother and I did 30 some odd years ago.  My wife watches from atop a pile of wracked nerves.  Just make sure the children know and understand right from wrong, be sure they know they are loved very much.  This sometimes is all you can do while hoping for the best as they turn into young men.  Remember the outside world is very competitive and very harsh for men as they go into the world on their own and what we take with us is what we learned at home from our parents....

                            Best of Luck
                                  Buddy Lee

[Pinkwheeler]

Thanks buddy lee.  What a heartwarming and reassuring comment.  I appreciate it a lot!
Happy holidays to you and your family!!

[sherrilynn]

Carrie,I have 6 children ages 1,1,5,6,8,10 four of them boys,
and boys will be boys,the fighting is not likely ever going to stop,however you can slow it down.First of all by spanking your child you are telling him,you cant hit your brother, so mom is going to hit you to show you its not right?????my boys are 1,6,8,10 they do fight,all boys will and do,but you must use a none agressive approach to end agression.Try making the 2 boys that are fighting do something together that is fun,so they will see that the other isnt that bad.Or take what they are fighting over and put it away for a day the first time,a week the second time and so on.We have a rule in our house,NO trading,that stopped alot of fights lol,children like to trade but they always want the intial toy back,We also have big punishments for touching things that are not yours without asking,also if a toy such as nintendo must be shared,we have certain days each child can play instaed of certain times,no child may play or switch his/her time with another child.If those ideas dont work,get inventive lol,try baking cookies and tell the 2 they must choose who gets to help mom out because they obviously cant work together,you will be suprised how that works,hope i helped.

[donskianddamski]

A related discussion, how do i stop my six year old and three year old from hitting each other was started.