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3-1/2 year old boy almost killed Cockatiel
Okay, so, first of all, I must issue some disclaimers and truths about my particular situation. I've always known I'm not 'mother of the year' material. I'm not the super involved mom that takes her kid everywhere and signs him up for every little thing he's interested in. Nor am I the mom that is constantly super lovey with her kid. I'm a regular mom. In reading a lot of these posts about behavioral issues such as the one I'm about to explain, I've come to realize that I may not be paying as much attention to my son as I should be, and I'm now certain that there are things he's been exposed to that are likely contributing to his behavior.
My son is 3-1/2. He's exceptionally intelligent for his age, and he's also much taller and stronger than average. About maybe as big as the average 6 year old. As a child, I was spanked, but never beaten. My ex-husband and I agreed after repeated attempts at alternate methods of discipline, (i.e. timeouts, talking, etc.) that we would try spanking since it worked on both of us when we were kids. He's never been 'abused', but he's our only son, we hadn't planned on having him, and there are times when there's a lot of exasperated yelling that accompanies the spankings. I also live with my parents and younger sister right now, and while my father is fairly even-tempered, my mom and sister have much shorter fuses, so when my son is out of line in their presence, they will 'take charge' and discipline my son with a lot of yelling. My authority as a mother is frequently undermined, and I feel my son has a real lack of respect for me already at 3, because my methods of discipline are gradual--talking first, timeouts next, and spanking last.
Lately, he's been pushing his limits with repeating an uncouth action in my presence to 'test' my reactions, yelling back at me not to talk to him that way and tell him to stop doing said action. I've been fairly consistent, but of course, there are days where my temper is quicker than usual and I'll spank first. Now, I know that there are many people on each side of the fence with the issue of spanking, and I've always heard both arguments, even if I didn't always take one side's particular advice. I have always felt that it is my responsibility to find a (humane and non-abusive) method that works for me and my child, regardless of what anyone else tells me. What works for one kid may not work for mine. Having said that, I've become incredibly confused at the fact that most recently, I seem to have lost control of how to diffuse certain behaviors.
We have three animals in my house. A dog, cat and bird. The cat and bird belong to my sister, and we rarely see the cat, while the bird is normally in his cage hanging from the ceiling in the dining room. For some reason, he's fine with the dog. But when he sees the cat, he seems to think that it's okay to pull her tail to drag her back out of hiding, and a few days ago, he picked her up under her front legs, and she wound up on her neck upside down in his lap. He was calm and content with her laying on the bed next to him, and she just lays there--doesn't bother anyone. I stepped out of the room and around the corner for a moment, and I heard a garbled 'meow'. Stepped back in and found the cat in his lap upside down. I asked what he was doing and rescued the cat, and he said, "I made her meow!" as if he was satisfied with what he'd done. I laid the cat down on the bed, and she just flopped over, breathing heavily and her eyes wide open, pupils dilated. I called for my sister, who came in with teeth gnashing, irate that my son had terrorized her 17 year old cat. She ordered him out of the room and told him never to touch the cat again. He left, crying, and I doubt that he understood that he was hurting the cat.
Tonight, however, as we were frantically trying to finish cleaning house for tomorrow's holiday company, my son was running around the house playing with the dog. Nothing out of the ordinary. During the cleaning frenzy, my mother removed the bird from his hook in the dining room and put him on a table in the office near the back bedrooms so he was out of the way. I didn't notice during the flurry that my mom had put the bird there. Well, while my son was running, he went to 'hide' from the dog in the office and discovered that the bird was within reach. Suddenly, I heard squawking, and rushed toward the noise to find my son holding the bird with both hands, all the bird's tail feathers plucked, a broken wing and a broken leg. As I scooped the bird away, I asked what he was doing, and he said, "I made the birdie go tweet tweet tweet!" Perhaps I'm delusional, but again, I don't believe he understood the rammifications of his actions, especially since the bird did not bite him in the melee. When I took him away, however, I was tagged by a sharp beak, which drew blood, I yelped, and both my parents and sister came running.
In another chaotic display of disarray, everyone is snapping orders at how to recapture the bird, as I'd dropped him when he bit me, and all but a stunned me were now screaming "bad boy" type-words at my son, who, I'm sure was just as surprised and confused as I was. He began to wail and cry, and I ushered him out of the room and into mine to sit him down and try to calm him some. My father, who has always favored my son, was so disgruntled, told my son never to speak to him again and repeated 'never', a snarl on his face as he stomped down the steps.
Now, everyone here, including myself, has slipped up with questionable language in front of my son. This display, in not so many words, tipped me over, and forced me to overcome my own frustration, anger, sadness and disgust, but made me want to scream at everyone who was berating my son. I did not, but did reinforce the words that had described how it was bad to have hurt the bird.
I must include a medical history, as well. I am bi-polar II, OCD, and disabled with a barely manageable broken back, which also caused me to have a partial stroke 2 years ago. (I'm only 29 years old.) I've been classified disabled ever since, so I've been home with my son every day. I was also recently diagnosed with cervical cancer, which has been tough on my body and psyche. While I'm still capable of caring for my son, it is extremely difficult, and there are days where my energy levels are so low that I can hardly keep up with him. My father is retired, so he's here to help me from day to day if I need it.
Being that I haven't worked and disability benefits barely pay the bills, I obviously can't afford to live on my own, hence my current situation; and I have explored every possibility to break free of the confines that be, to no avail. Life's hard, but I keep going because I have a son to be here for.
Now, because I'm home every day, my son has not been in daycare and has had little interaction with other children, with the exception of family functions, which are few and far between. I've taken him to free 'open gym' sessions in my community, and he doesn't seem to play nicely with the other children his age. He seems to bully them, which has frightened me into not bringing him back, for fear that the activity supervisors will ask me to remove him anyway.
Consider my circumstances.....between my medical conditions (which may be hereditary?), the lack of social interaction, and the overall environment, despite my love and attention, what should I be doing to 'curb' the behavior for which I'm concerned? Of course, I don't want him to be an animal terrorist, and he needs to play nicely with other children. In general, he's a typical 3 year old. All other behavior is considered normal on the authority of his pediatrician, including the repetitious testing of boundaries and yelling back at me. But I feel as though I'm doing something horribly wrong as a parent. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
My son is 3-1/2. He's exceptionally intelligent for his age, and he's also much taller and stronger than average. About maybe as big as the average 6 year old. As a child, I was spanked, but never beaten. My ex-husband and I agreed after repeated attempts at alternate methods of discipline, (i.e. timeouts, talking, etc.) that we would try spanking since it worked on both of us when we were kids. He's never been 'abused', but he's our only son, we hadn't planned on having him, and there are times when there's a lot of exasperated yelling that accompanies the spankings. I also live with my parents and younger sister right now, and while my father is fairly even-tempered, my mom and sister have much shorter fuses, so when my son is out of line in their presence, they will 'take charge' and discipline my son with a lot of yelling. My authority as a mother is frequently undermined, and I feel my son has a real lack of respect for me already at 3, because my methods of discipline are gradual--talking first, timeouts next, and spanking last.
Lately, he's been pushing his limits with repeating an uncouth action in my presence to 'test' my reactions, yelling back at me not to talk to him that way and tell him to stop doing said action. I've been fairly consistent, but of course, there are days where my temper is quicker than usual and I'll spank first. Now, I know that there are many people on each side of the fence with the issue of spanking, and I've always heard both arguments, even if I didn't always take one side's particular advice. I have always felt that it is my responsibility to find a (humane and non-abusive) method that works for me and my child, regardless of what anyone else tells me. What works for one kid may not work for mine. Having said that, I've become incredibly confused at the fact that most recently, I seem to have lost control of how to diffuse certain behaviors.
We have three animals in my house. A dog, cat and bird. The cat and bird belong to my sister, and we rarely see the cat, while the bird is normally in his cage hanging from the ceiling in the dining room. For some reason, he's fine with the dog. But when he sees the cat, he seems to think that it's okay to pull her tail to drag her back out of hiding, and a few days ago, he picked her up under her front legs, and she wound up on her neck upside down in his lap. He was calm and content with her laying on the bed next to him, and she just lays there--doesn't bother anyone. I stepped out of the room and around the corner for a moment, and I heard a garbled 'meow'. Stepped back in and found the cat in his lap upside down. I asked what he was doing and rescued the cat, and he said, "I made her meow!" as if he was satisfied with what he'd done. I laid the cat down on the bed, and she just flopped over, breathing heavily and her eyes wide open, pupils dilated. I called for my sister, who came in with teeth gnashing, irate that my son had terrorized her 17 year old cat. She ordered him out of the room and told him never to touch the cat again. He left, crying, and I doubt that he understood that he was hurting the cat.
Tonight, however, as we were frantically trying to finish cleaning house for tomorrow's holiday company, my son was running around the house playing with the dog. Nothing out of the ordinary. During the cleaning frenzy, my mother removed the bird from his hook in the dining room and put him on a table in the office near the back bedrooms so he was out of the way. I didn't notice during the flurry that my mom had put the bird there. Well, while my son was running, he went to 'hide' from the dog in the office and discovered that the bird was within reach. Suddenly, I heard squawking, and rushed toward the noise to find my son holding the bird with both hands, all the bird's tail feathers plucked, a broken wing and a broken leg. As I scooped the bird away, I asked what he was doing, and he said, "I made the birdie go tweet tweet tweet!" Perhaps I'm delusional, but again, I don't believe he understood the rammifications of his actions, especially since the bird did not bite him in the melee. When I took him away, however, I was tagged by a sharp beak, which drew blood, I yelped, and both my parents and sister came running.
In another chaotic display of disarray, everyone is snapping orders at how to recapture the bird, as I'd dropped him when he bit me, and all but a stunned me were now screaming "bad boy" type-words at my son, who, I'm sure was just as surprised and confused as I was. He began to wail and cry, and I ushered him out of the room and into mine to sit him down and try to calm him some. My father, who has always favored my son, was so disgruntled, told my son never to speak to him again and repeated 'never', a snarl on his face as he stomped down the steps.
Now, everyone here, including myself, has slipped up with questionable language in front of my son. This display, in not so many words, tipped me over, and forced me to overcome my own frustration, anger, sadness and disgust, but made me want to scream at everyone who was berating my son. I did not, but did reinforce the words that had described how it was bad to have hurt the bird.
I must include a medical history, as well. I am bi-polar II, OCD, and disabled with a barely manageable broken back, which also caused me to have a partial stroke 2 years ago. (I'm only 29 years old.) I've been classified disabled ever since, so I've been home with my son every day. I was also recently diagnosed with cervical cancer, which has been tough on my body and psyche. While I'm still capable of caring for my son, it is extremely difficult, and there are days where my energy levels are so low that I can hardly keep up with him. My father is retired, so he's here to help me from day to day if I need it.
Being that I haven't worked and disability benefits barely pay the bills, I obviously can't afford to live on my own, hence my current situation; and I have explored every possibility to break free of the confines that be, to no avail. Life's hard, but I keep going because I have a son to be here for.
Now, because I'm home every day, my son has not been in daycare and has had little interaction with other children, with the exception of family functions, which are few and far between. I've taken him to free 'open gym' sessions in my community, and he doesn't seem to play nicely with the other children his age. He seems to bully them, which has frightened me into not bringing him back, for fear that the activity supervisors will ask me to remove him anyway.
Consider my circumstances.....between my medical conditions (which may be hereditary?), the lack of social interaction, and the overall environment, despite my love and attention, what should I be doing to 'curb' the behavior for which I'm concerned? Of course, I don't want him to be an animal terrorist, and he needs to play nicely with other children. In general, he's a typical 3 year old. All other behavior is considered normal on the authority of his pediatrician, including the repetitious testing of boundaries and yelling back at me. But I feel as though I'm doing something horribly wrong as a parent. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Wonderful, wonderful post by AHP84. I only had the time to give you the quick info on the most important stuff. I was going to get back to you on things you could do to help your son (and thus the whole environment). Great job by AHP. I would only add the following.
The little guy is only 3. He is stuck in an adult environment all day. He needs to somehow get out and move. Thats what 3 year olds do. If they can't, they tend to be a little crazy sometimes. Don't know where you live, but this is probably the worst time of the year to get out and run around. And it sounds like you can't easily do this. Its up to pops. Bundle him up (both of them) go to the park or on a walk or in the hallways or something. Kick a ball, chase birds, walk the dog - just get him out of there for awhile. Heck, if your back will allow it - start taking him out for short sessions. It will do wonders for both of you.
I understand your fear of him bullying other kids. I doubt that he knows he is bullying. He is just playing. Trouble is unless he is taught how to play right, he won't learn. Do go back to the "open gym" sessions. But give the supervisors a heads up. Tell them he hasn't had much interaction with other kids due to your condition. Ask them to help him learn how to play. With luck, they will be very helpful.
As he grows older you might want to check out the book, "love and Logic" by Fay and Cline.
Best wishes !!!!!!!!!!!
The little guy is only 3. He is stuck in an adult environment all day. He needs to somehow get out and move. Thats what 3 year olds do. If they can't, they tend to be a little crazy sometimes. Don't know where you live, but this is probably the worst time of the year to get out and run around. And it sounds like you can't easily do this. Its up to pops. Bundle him up (both of them) go to the park or on a walk or in the hallways or something. Kick a ball, chase birds, walk the dog - just get him out of there for awhile. Heck, if your back will allow it - start taking him out for short sessions. It will do wonders for both of you.
I understand your fear of him bullying other kids. I doubt that he knows he is bullying. He is just playing. Trouble is unless he is taught how to play right, he won't learn. Do go back to the "open gym" sessions. But give the supervisors a heads up. Tell them he hasn't had much interaction with other kids due to your condition. Ask them to help him learn how to play. With luck, they will be very helpful.
As he grows older you might want to check out the book, "love and Logic" by Fay and Cline.
Best wishes !!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to add that now is a good time to start working with your son on how to handle fragile objects and animals. Start with objects, of course, lol. Use things that are not too valuable to begin, and just do things with those objects and talk to him about what he's doing.
For example, hard boil an egg and make a game with it, such as rolling it across the table to you, back and forth, each of you catching it as it rolls to you. Explain to him what it means to be fragile and breakable if the shell breaks.
You could also build a toothpick and marshmallow house frame. Not only does that teach him about fragility, but also the concepts of shapes and architectural techniques, such as a triangular structure being stronger than a structure built with squares.
Fill up water balloons at bathtime, and toss them to him in the bathtub to see if he can catch a wet balloon gently enough to not break it.
You could even have him plant some seeds in a paper cup and care for them.
As for behavioral issues with other children, there are lots of good shows that are on PBS Kids, Playhouse Disney, Nick Jr, and Sprout for starters. PBS Kids is a local station if you don't have cable. If certain tv shows are not available to you, you could rent them on Netflix if you have that. Lots of those shows are geared for children ages 2-5, and focus a lot on behavioral development as well as other basic concepts.
There are also plenty of wonderful children's books you could check out at your local library that are written with behavioral concepts like this, and as you read to him, you could add your own talk to him, while the situation is calm and feels safe and secure for him to talk about such matters.
It's not the ideal opportunity to lecture him about behavior with other kids or animals while upset with him because he pushed another kid, as the situation is charged and tense for him and it's doubtful he can focus on the behavioral aspect of what he's done rather than the fact that you're upset with him, and to a toddler, nothing else really matters at that point. They just don't want to be in trouble...they don't really care what they've done...that maturity develops a little later. So it helps for them to have a firm grasp of what is acceptable behavior and what is not before they lose control, so that when they do, you can briefly explain to them, "Remember that story we read or show we watched about hitting other people? Remember how the person who was hit got hurt? Why did you just hit that person and hurt them?"
That way, the focus is on someone else rather than total negativity on him for what he did, never allowing him to see past his own actions and feel remorse or sympathy toward the other person or animal. It's just, "You were bad! You don't hit people! That's a no-no--you are going to time out." If he's never able to associate empathy towards others, it'll be much harder for him to understand why what he did was wrong.
Now, I'm not really saying this to you as much as I'm hoping that you can talk with your family about handling matters this way with your son, as they seem to likely be the ones more likely to respond to him in this way. If they're going to be playing a daily role and influence in his life, then they need to know how to handle his behavior more effectively. I hope they have enough respect to be open to that. It's important that he's tought about acceptable behavior and hopefully you all can work more with him in times of calm and security for him, the goal being to teach him to think about his actions in calm and peace, then when he's faced with a situation of carrying them out, he knows he can get in trouble.
Best wishes to you, and I hope things can work out better with your family around your son. You are certainly not doing anything wrong, and I think Sandman2 did a great job emphasizing that. Your son sounds like a normal child who simply needs more cause-and-effect training with his behavior in a more positive and productive way. And really, that's a pretty easy fix. :-)
Hope you had a wonderful merry Christmas!
For example, hard boil an egg and make a game with it, such as rolling it across the table to you, back and forth, each of you catching it as it rolls to you. Explain to him what it means to be fragile and breakable if the shell breaks.
You could also build a toothpick and marshmallow house frame. Not only does that teach him about fragility, but also the concepts of shapes and architectural techniques, such as a triangular structure being stronger than a structure built with squares.
Fill up water balloons at bathtime, and toss them to him in the bathtub to see if he can catch a wet balloon gently enough to not break it.
You could even have him plant some seeds in a paper cup and care for them.
As for behavioral issues with other children, there are lots of good shows that are on PBS Kids, Playhouse Disney, Nick Jr, and Sprout for starters. PBS Kids is a local station if you don't have cable. If certain tv shows are not available to you, you could rent them on Netflix if you have that. Lots of those shows are geared for children ages 2-5, and focus a lot on behavioral development as well as other basic concepts.
There are also plenty of wonderful children's books you could check out at your local library that are written with behavioral concepts like this, and as you read to him, you could add your own talk to him, while the situation is calm and feels safe and secure for him to talk about such matters.
It's not the ideal opportunity to lecture him about behavior with other kids or animals while upset with him because he pushed another kid, as the situation is charged and tense for him and it's doubtful he can focus on the behavioral aspect of what he's done rather than the fact that you're upset with him, and to a toddler, nothing else really matters at that point. They just don't want to be in trouble...they don't really care what they've done...that maturity develops a little later. So it helps for them to have a firm grasp of what is acceptable behavior and what is not before they lose control, so that when they do, you can briefly explain to them, "Remember that story we read or show we watched about hitting other people? Remember how the person who was hit got hurt? Why did you just hit that person and hurt them?"
That way, the focus is on someone else rather than total negativity on him for what he did, never allowing him to see past his own actions and feel remorse or sympathy toward the other person or animal. It's just, "You were bad! You don't hit people! That's a no-no--you are going to time out." If he's never able to associate empathy towards others, it'll be much harder for him to understand why what he did was wrong.
Now, I'm not really saying this to you as much as I'm hoping that you can talk with your family about handling matters this way with your son, as they seem to likely be the ones more likely to respond to him in this way. If they're going to be playing a daily role and influence in his life, then they need to know how to handle his behavior more effectively. I hope they have enough respect to be open to that. It's important that he's tought about acceptable behavior and hopefully you all can work more with him in times of calm and security for him, the goal being to teach him to think about his actions in calm and peace, then when he's faced with a situation of carrying them out, he knows he can get in trouble.
Best wishes to you, and I hope things can work out better with your family around your son. You are certainly not doing anything wrong, and I think Sandman2 did a great job emphasizing that. Your son sounds like a normal child who simply needs more cause-and-effect training with his behavior in a more positive and productive way. And really, that's a pretty easy fix. :-)
Hope you had a wonderful merry Christmas!
Thank you so much for your advice!! I've read some of the older posts; read some of them before posting my own query, and while there were some that made me feel a little more secure about what happened, some were certainly unsettling, and offered little to no reassurance that this behavior is at all common.
My son was never taught how to handle the bird because he was always hung in the corner of my dining room and never comes out of his cage.
I will try to get out today and grab the book you mentioned, as of course, I want to put a stop to this as soon as possible. I really appreciate your objectivity with all of this, and especially for taking the time to read my epic post. I'm sure there are probably a lot of people who took a gander and saw how long it was and hit the 'back' button on their browser.
If I have any more questions, I will definitely re-post, and I thank you again so much!
I hope you had a very merry Christmas! =)
My son was never taught how to handle the bird because he was always hung in the corner of my dining room and never comes out of his cage.
I will try to get out today and grab the book you mentioned, as of course, I want to put a stop to this as soon as possible. I really appreciate your objectivity with all of this, and especially for taking the time to read my epic post. I'm sure there are probably a lot of people who took a gander and saw how long it was and hit the 'back' button on their browser.
If I have any more questions, I will definitely re-post, and I thank you again so much!
I hope you had a very merry Christmas! =)
COMMUNITY LEADER
This will be kind of quick cause it Xmas eve.
In my opinion, the bird thing could have happened with any 3 year or 2 year old. Maybe even a 4 or 5 year old. Unless they have been trained how to handle a fragile object (which is pretty hard at that age), what happened is very possible. Talk to anybody at a pet store who has worked with kids and pets. It happens.
Discipline wise - get the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. It gives a very detailed effective way to use time outs. You will find the key is consistency and immediacy. One reason swatting doesn't work is that its not consistent, and it happens to fast, and is done in anger, and ...
Intelligent kids quickly figure out how to manipulate their environment and they do it without remorse since they haven't developed the maturity to do it differently. The book I mentioned will show you how to deal with this problem.
Take the time to read some of the older posts. What you are facing is not that unusual. You are not doing something horribly wrong (unless being new at this game is wrong). What you have done is great. You have taken the time to put out a very long post seeking help. I hope this helps. Please post back if you have other questions. Got stockings to fill - ho ho ho.
In my opinion, the bird thing could have happened with any 3 year or 2 year old. Maybe even a 4 or 5 year old. Unless they have been trained how to handle a fragile object (which is pretty hard at that age), what happened is very possible. Talk to anybody at a pet store who has worked with kids and pets. It happens.
Discipline wise - get the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. It gives a very detailed effective way to use time outs. You will find the key is consistency and immediacy. One reason swatting doesn't work is that its not consistent, and it happens to fast, and is done in anger, and ...
Intelligent kids quickly figure out how to manipulate their environment and they do it without remorse since they haven't developed the maturity to do it differently. The book I mentioned will show you how to deal with this problem.
Take the time to read some of the older posts. What you are facing is not that unusual. You are not doing something horribly wrong (unless being new at this game is wrong). What you have done is great. You have taken the time to put out a very long post seeking help. I hope this helps. Please post back if you have other questions. Got stockings to fill - ho ho ho.
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