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3 1/2 year old daughter says 15 year old cousin touched her in her privates
Family from out of town visited our home for about a week. The evening they left, my 3 1/2 year old daughter told me her 15 year old male cousin touched her on her private parts. She was very specific about what, when, how and where it happened. She is a very verbal and smart 3 1/2 year old and I have no question that what she told me is true.
I have addressed my concerns with the mother of the 15 year old boy. She did her own investigating and has determined that there is no way her son would/could have done such a thing. The "professional" she spoke to told her that 3 year olds make up stories and could use the stories to reflect things they are doing to their own bodies (i.e., touching themselves in the privates). I was told that my daughter cannot fully understand me when I teach her about inappropriate touching (i.e., it’s ok for mommy & daddy to help you in the bath, it’s ok for your doctor to check your private parts during an exam when mommy is in the room, you do NOT allow friends or anyone else to look at/touch your private parts, etc.) The mother also told me I don't know enough as a parent to know whether my child is telling me the truth in this specific situation, so I should have her evaluated by a professional to see whether this actually happened or not. She is taking no further action since she believes it is not true and she will "emotionally harm" her son if she tells him of the accusation and asks him if he did it or not.
Now I am not sure what to do. I trust that my daughter has told me the truth. I don't have a concern for her safety now, as they live in a different state. If we are ever around the boy again, I will keep all of my children right at my side at all times. I can't think of any reason my daughter would just make something up like this. This incident took place a couple of months ago and she still will whisper to me that this person touched her privates, so I know she hasn't forgotten or put it out of her mind. What can I do to help my daughter through this? Is it normal for a 3 1/2 year old to lie about inappropriate touching? Do you think it is odd that my daughter didn’t tell me about what took place until that evening when I was about to give her a bath? Should I address my concerns specifically with the 15 year old boy? Where do I go from here?
Thank you for your insight.
I have addressed my concerns with the mother of the 15 year old boy. She did her own investigating and has determined that there is no way her son would/could have done such a thing. The "professional" she spoke to told her that 3 year olds make up stories and could use the stories to reflect things they are doing to their own bodies (i.e., touching themselves in the privates). I was told that my daughter cannot fully understand me when I teach her about inappropriate touching (i.e., it’s ok for mommy & daddy to help you in the bath, it’s ok for your doctor to check your private parts during an exam when mommy is in the room, you do NOT allow friends or anyone else to look at/touch your private parts, etc.) The mother also told me I don't know enough as a parent to know whether my child is telling me the truth in this specific situation, so I should have her evaluated by a professional to see whether this actually happened or not. She is taking no further action since she believes it is not true and she will "emotionally harm" her son if she tells him of the accusation and asks him if he did it or not.
Now I am not sure what to do. I trust that my daughter has told me the truth. I don't have a concern for her safety now, as they live in a different state. If we are ever around the boy again, I will keep all of my children right at my side at all times. I can't think of any reason my daughter would just make something up like this. This incident took place a couple of months ago and she still will whisper to me that this person touched her privates, so I know she hasn't forgotten or put it out of her mind. What can I do to help my daughter through this? Is it normal for a 3 1/2 year old to lie about inappropriate touching? Do you think it is odd that my daughter didn’t tell me about what took place until that evening when I was about to give her a bath? Should I address my concerns specifically with the 15 year old boy? Where do I go from here?
Thank you for your insight.
I see it's been 2 years since you shared this, so I don't know if you'll get my reply or not, but I'll share for any one else who reads.
1. I worked at a sexual abuse response center, and the chances of a 3 year old lying about being touched is almost impossible. I believe her and the mother of the 15 year old is going to try to protect her son, so ignore everything she said to you.
2. Your daughter may be young enough to forget what has happened, so I'd ask a counselor about the best therapeutic methods to attempt. Most of the children who came to the center I worked at were guided until it was sure whether or not they'd remember the incident, and if there'd be any long term emotional, developmental, or behavioral impacts.
3. I don't know how exactly but for the safety of other children, I'd hope charges could be pressed or someone notified of the 15 year olds behavior,, who is now almost 17, for 2 reasons. 1st, there's a chance he will victimize another child, and 2nd, he may have also been a victim of abuse as a child, and is acting out on others.
In the end, BELIEVE YOUR DAUGHTER, and see a counselor to decide on an appropriate plan of care.
1. I worked at a sexual abuse response center, and the chances of a 3 year old lying about being touched is almost impossible. I believe her and the mother of the 15 year old is going to try to protect her son, so ignore everything she said to you.
2. Your daughter may be young enough to forget what has happened, so I'd ask a counselor about the best therapeutic methods to attempt. Most of the children who came to the center I worked at were guided until it was sure whether or not they'd remember the incident, and if there'd be any long term emotional, developmental, or behavioral impacts.
3. I don't know how exactly but for the safety of other children, I'd hope charges could be pressed or someone notified of the 15 year olds behavior,, who is now almost 17, for 2 reasons. 1st, there's a chance he will victimize another child, and 2nd, he may have also been a victim of abuse as a child, and is acting out on others.
In the end, BELIEVE YOUR DAUGHTER, and see a counselor to decide on an appropriate plan of care.
I'm sorry but I believe ur daughter. If u say she was that specific, I don't believe she's making it up. U should ALWAYS believe ur child if they tell u something like this. As a sexual abuse survivor, I tried to tell my parents I was about 4 and they didn't believe. Don't wait, call the police, if he really did this to ur daughter who knows what other children he has hurt or will in he future. Good luck.
This isn't going to be comfortable or fun, but you HAVE to take action. A 3 year old is not just going to imagine or make up something like this. I would call your sister and tell her the bad news that you must go to the police and get this investigated. You would be saving many kids from getting molested by this boy because he would be getting help and your daughter deserves justice. A 3 year old is not just going to make something like this up, so always believe your daughter.
I'm with just about everyone else. My grandughter had a very truamatic experience at that age, and hasn't forgotten a detail of it....and everything she said was confirmed by those who were there.
If this 15 year old is innocent of any wrongdoing great. But if not, this could be only the beginning of God only knows what. Call the police. If he can withstand a lie-detector test great....he'll get over it
But I believe with the detail your daughter has given you, that it did in fact happen.
As for leaving a 3.5 year old alone with a 15 year old, this happens all the time, boys are babysitters too, so it's not that unthinkable that a 15 year old would be alone with a toddler.
Absolutley call the police, but also absolutely get her in counseling right away. She needs to tak this through with a proffecsional.
I can't see how you would get proof, it's her word against his, but I think the police would rather investigate allegations like this made by a three year old.
You're her mother and your instinct tells you she's telling the truth. Believe it. You may need to see a counselor yourself to learn how to deal with the aftermath of this ordeal. I bet the agency you take your child to will have someone on staff for just that.
You and your spouse have done a great job trying to protect her, I'm so sorry for you as well.
Finally to ASHELEN. I'm so very sorry this happened to you and you've had to live with it. I'm sure it's been very hard.
neison
If this 15 year old is innocent of any wrongdoing great. But if not, this could be only the beginning of God only knows what. Call the police. If he can withstand a lie-detector test great....he'll get over it
But I believe with the detail your daughter has given you, that it did in fact happen.
As for leaving a 3.5 year old alone with a 15 year old, this happens all the time, boys are babysitters too, so it's not that unthinkable that a 15 year old would be alone with a toddler.
Absolutley call the police, but also absolutely get her in counseling right away. She needs to tak this through with a proffecsional.
I can't see how you would get proof, it's her word against his, but I think the police would rather investigate allegations like this made by a three year old.
You're her mother and your instinct tells you she's telling the truth. Believe it. You may need to see a counselor yourself to learn how to deal with the aftermath of this ordeal. I bet the agency you take your child to will have someone on staff for just that.
You and your spouse have done a great job trying to protect her, I'm so sorry for you as well.
Finally to ASHELEN. I'm so very sorry this happened to you and you've had to live with it. I'm sure it's been very hard.
neison
I agree as well you need to go to the police as soon as possible. its true little kids will not make something like that up. I myself went through it as well and your daughter needs you now more than ever she needs to know that her mommy is there for her especially during something as serious as this. Having the situation ignored will not only lead to her not telling you anything more in the future but it will hurt her as well. I never received the help i needed and now that i am older and have a little girl of my own i am ALWAYS terrified and paranoid of every man out there it took me a very long time to believe that it was ok for my husband to change her diaper. As moms our support is supposed to be on our kids.
there's no way that a 3-year-old would just out of the blue ask an older boy to touch her...unless she had been in a similar situation before.
You need to take her to a professional to have the situation evaluated. call the police immediately and get her into counseling, I agree with yngdad. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and my parents did NOTHING...and it was my older cousin as well. I was ages 2-5 and my cousin was in his late teens...and they just thought I would get over it. well I didn't and I suffered in silence for years feeling like a freak..and chances are, this cousin went on to molest other children, and was most likely molested himself. I have come to terms with what happened now, years later, but in these situations you can never OVERreact...you can only UNDERreact. and you need to get the police involved NOW NOW NOW. your little girl is more important than some relationship with a family member who won't recognize that their child HURT your child...even if he didn't "hurt" her...what he did was WRONG..and I do NOT believe that your little girl made this up. yes 3-year-olds make things up, but NOT sexual things unless they've been over-exposed in a bad way.
please protect your child...if it turns out this was one big misunderstanding, GREAT...if not, you need to do what you need to do to protect your little girl. I'm sorry I don't agree with the "wait and see or just take time and talk to a counselor" approach..I think the police should get involved. this behavior is unsafe, unacceptable, and your baby needs protection and this little boy needs help too because most likely he was molested as well.
You need to take her to a professional to have the situation evaluated. call the police immediately and get her into counseling, I agree with yngdad. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and my parents did NOTHING...and it was my older cousin as well. I was ages 2-5 and my cousin was in his late teens...and they just thought I would get over it. well I didn't and I suffered in silence for years feeling like a freak..and chances are, this cousin went on to molest other children, and was most likely molested himself. I have come to terms with what happened now, years later, but in these situations you can never OVERreact...you can only UNDERreact. and you need to get the police involved NOW NOW NOW. your little girl is more important than some relationship with a family member who won't recognize that their child HURT your child...even if he didn't "hurt" her...what he did was WRONG..and I do NOT believe that your little girl made this up. yes 3-year-olds make things up, but NOT sexual things unless they've been over-exposed in a bad way.
please protect your child...if it turns out this was one big misunderstanding, GREAT...if not, you need to do what you need to do to protect your little girl. I'm sorry I don't agree with the "wait and see or just take time and talk to a counselor" approach..I think the police should get involved. this behavior is unsafe, unacceptable, and your baby needs protection and this little boy needs help too because most likely he was molested as well.
You should talk to this 15 yrd cousin. Tell him if this happens again you will call the police; I think this will keep him hands off your child.
You should to this 15 yrd cousin. Tell him if this happens again you will call the police; I think this will keep him hands off your child.
I would get the police involved. The 15 year old will re-offend. 3 year Olds don't make this stuff up. Do it for your child and other potential victims. There are probably others already.
My thoughts are if your 3 1/2 daughter knew to tell you than that tells me you knew to teach her.. She will forget all about it. In time because unless the abuse is ongoing the probability of her remembering long term in almost nonexistent however what will remain with her is not in memory but inherent emotions and instinctual nature. Being a one time occurrence the only thing that could due damage is your actions and reactions. She must learn you have her back and believe in her and what she says and does. She cannot be emotional damaged as sex as an act and the shame that accompanies being violated is an unknown concept and the vagina, bum amd breast "private part" organs are just that her privates and under very limited circumstances and never with out Moms OK and another person being Dr.and Nurse is anyone other than her allowed to look, touch, feel, play or any other form of allowed to.. As for 15 yr old yes it could be simulation of what is happening to him, something he saw, thought, heard about... Or maybe he is a young boy confused about his sexuality or paedophile. I don't believe many 15 year olds have a preference for young prepubescent girls or boys unless they themselves are or had been sexually abused, assulted,misled, misguided, misinformed with no where to go for information, help,therapy and other resources related to sex,sexualilty and the like. We need to embrace the act of making love as it was intended and demonize the sex as an industry used for purposes other than showing our partners love in an most intimate of ways and for child rearing. Yes teach our children the dangers of abuse and that being in control of your sexuality and sexually healthy is far different than being used by another or abuse of self for the expressed purpose of sex as an act or entertainment for modesty and the love you make is sexy. Your children come from there so if you love them love who comes and cums there as well.
The only way that a 3 yr old would say such a thing, is either she saw him do it to someone else.. or it really happened to her.. cause my three yr old sometimes explains situations as though they had happened to her.. and these are situations that I witnessed with my own eyes... so.. you have to think about it, were they all alone.. or did he find a temporary girlfriend over there, that your daughter saw.. cause it's easy to destroy other peoples whole life before they even start to live it.. so if you wanna do something, do it right.. never hurts to involve professionals..
Hi Guys,
In this world there is so many mommy's who don't act enough when their child experience this. And in my heart I feel. I would rather overreact than be one of this moms who did nothing and it goes on and on and destroys a pretty little girls life.
My 2nd husband nephew's 15year old son also touched my 5 year old private parts. I went to the mother and told her I want to tell her what she told me happened (she said it happened twice that he only put his hand there, and actually I don't care because he is not allowed anywhere near her privates) and I told his mom I am not here to argue or listen to anything she or he says, I just want to tell her that if he ever EVER in his lousy little life comes anywhere near her, I will make sure he will not have a normal life ever. We don't visit them and they are not allowed near my children or house!! I am so fed up for moms who just don't act on things like this. and I believe my daughter because I know this teenager was also molested as a small child. That just makes is more important for that boys mom to make sure that he does not do the same. But rather she thinks he is a perfect blue eyed boy wrapped in Gold!!
Again, rather overreact than not reacting at all. You are her everything and she looks to you for support and help. Children don't make up stuff like that at that age. That is just Bull!!!!
In this world there is so many mommy's who don't act enough when their child experience this. And in my heart I feel. I would rather overreact than be one of this moms who did nothing and it goes on and on and destroys a pretty little girls life.
My 2nd husband nephew's 15year old son also touched my 5 year old private parts. I went to the mother and told her I want to tell her what she told me happened (she said it happened twice that he only put his hand there, and actually I don't care because he is not allowed anywhere near her privates) and I told his mom I am not here to argue or listen to anything she or he says, I just want to tell her that if he ever EVER in his lousy little life comes anywhere near her, I will make sure he will not have a normal life ever. We don't visit them and they are not allowed near my children or house!! I am so fed up for moms who just don't act on things like this. and I believe my daughter because I know this teenager was also molested as a small child. That just makes is more important for that boys mom to make sure that he does not do the same. But rather she thinks he is a perfect blue eyed boy wrapped in Gold!!
Again, rather overreact than not reacting at all. You are her everything and she looks to you for support and help. Children don't make up stuff like that at that age. That is just Bull!!!!
Really I don't think so a 3year old did not want someone to touch her then if so turn around like a grown women bc she did not get pleases come on now do u have kids
I would confront the boy first and then notify the police.
This is a situation I have heard of many times, no child of this age would make it up, and unfortunatly it is the kind of behavior'some 'teens indulge in ..Believe your child and speak out about it, he will be molesting others ....
I+also+do+not+think+your+daughter+is+making+this+up.+I+also+have+a+3+year+old+and+there+is+no+way+a+3+year+old+could+make+something+like+that+up.+Yes+it+is+true+that+children+make+things+up+but+nothing+like+that.+If+I+were+you+I+would+have+her+checked+and+talk+to+a+dr+or+someone+to+find+out+if+you+should+call+the+police.+Your+daughter+will+prob+need+to+talk+to+someone+about+what+happened+so+that+she+can+understand+what+has+happened+and+come+to+terms+with+it.+Just+always+remember+this+was+not+your+fault.+When+you+are+around+your+family+you+should+not+have+to+worry+about+things+like+this+happening.+I+am+very+sorry!+I+hope+that+ya'll+are+able+to+figure+all+of+this+out+for+your+daughter.+
I totally agree that a 3 1/2 year old is not capable of making this up, and to be so specific, it's just not possible!!!!! Trust in what your daughter is saying and I seriously doubt that this boy ever saw a "professional!" I would ask a professional how to handle this with your daughter, and in the meantime report it to the authorities. This boy may have been molested himself but that's not your problem, protecting your daughter is your only concern! It's because of things like this that so many are dealing with severe depression and anxiety as adults. This is obviously bothering your daughter and I doubt she will forget it. Talk to a specialist and get help for her.
Well how did your 3 yr old say it? Was she all serious or was she smiling and laughing and stuff Not sayin your daughter is lying but you know little kids are curious and maybe she asked the boy to touch her and he said no and she probably got mad and said he touched her now idk I wasn't there but if she is telling the truth and you honestly beleive her I would go to the police but you gotta have proof
Concerned, since she was very specific about where and when, was this a time that there were no other children, or other adults around? And the teenager was left to supervise this preschooler?
I'm a little surprised that a 15 year old boy and a 3 year old girl were left alone together for a significant amount of time, in private - because typically 15 year old boys don't want to be supervising 3 year old children. Which is what this situation wold have been.
She may be telling the truth, and the child may have been left with him unsupervised by any other adult for a long period of time. It's hard to tell from your post.
I'm a little surprised that a 15 year old boy and a 3 year old girl were left alone together for a significant amount of time, in private - because typically 15 year old boys don't want to be supervising 3 year old children. Which is what this situation wold have been.
She may be telling the truth, and the child may have been left with him unsupervised by any other adult for a long period of time. It's hard to tell from your post.
Well, why DON"T you go see a professional about it. It is true that information coming from a 3.5 year old is not always reliable and they project things in a way that they seem to be telling a story but it is not what happened at all. However, as a parent-------- it is your job to follow up on such a thing. You do NOT want to continue to talk about it with your daughter but I would make an appt. with a child therapist and allow them to explore the possiblity.
Remember that this is also a 15 year old boy you're talking about. While you feel sure your daughter is telling the truth-------- there must be an ounce of uncertainty there and what if you are wrong? And if the 15 year old did do it----------- you also have to remember that most young people who molest have been victems of molestation themselves. I'm not suggeting that you pity him or say it is okay-------- but keep in mind that he may have had some terrible things happen to him to change who he is.
The boy's mother sounds like she sought some expert advice on the subject and I'd advise you to do the same. good luck and hopefully this is just an ugly misunderstanding. (and do not talk about this with other family or a family feud will break out.)
Remember that this is also a 15 year old boy you're talking about. While you feel sure your daughter is telling the truth-------- there must be an ounce of uncertainty there and what if you are wrong? And if the 15 year old did do it----------- you also have to remember that most young people who molest have been victems of molestation themselves. I'm not suggeting that you pity him or say it is okay-------- but keep in mind that he may have had some terrible things happen to him to change who he is.
The boy's mother sounds like she sought some expert advice on the subject and I'd advise you to do the same. good luck and hopefully this is just an ugly misunderstanding. (and do not talk about this with other family or a family feud will break out.)
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