3 1/2 year old traumatized when it is time to go to daycare

[smaddie]

My question is what to do with my 3 1/2 year old daughter. Every morning after she gets up and realizes that we are going to daycare( the same one she has gone to since birth) she instantly starts to scream and says she doesn't want to go and she wants to stay home. She is hysterical and is crying real tears. We have asked her why and she comes up with excuses like her daycare mom is mean. We ask her what she does and she says that she makes her go to time out when she is naughty and makes her sit at the table when meal times come around even if she is not going to eat. Once we get to daycare the screaming and crying continue and sometimes the daycare mom will even come out and get her from the van since she will not get out on her own and I have her little brother in my arms and I can't take them both at the same time. Once inside she says she is going to throw up and that her tummy hurts. For the last 3 weeks she refuses to eat anything at daycare and instantly goes into a fit when she sees that the daycare mom is even started to make lunch, snack etc. We have tried giving her a bucket(to throw up in)for a while but then that became like an attention getter that she wouldn't go anywhere without. When she is at home with us she is fine, she eats, doesn't throw up etc. So weekends are great until Monday morning rolls around and she realizes where we are headed. I have talked with the daycare mom in depth on this and we have tried everything we can think of. Some people (including Dr's) have asked me if I think something else is going on at daycare but honestly I don't think so. Usually I will call as soon as I get to work to see if she has settled down and she usually does before I even back out of the driveway and she is fine. She will go play or watch cartoons. Her daycare mom talks with her about this and she says to her that she likes her and she likes going to daycare there. Also, when I pick her up she always gives her daycare mom a big hug and says "love you and see you tomorrow". We do talk about it in the van on the way home and I ask her how her day was and she says fine and tells me what they did that day. I say to her,"so you are fine to go there tomorrow and you are not going to cry and sream and carry on and she says "yep mommy". So this is why I am so confused on what to do. I can't see pulling her and her brother out of there and then having her do the same thing at another daycare. Her brother runs right in every morning no problem.
The other big thing we are dealing with is her father and I were seperated for about 2 months and we just moved back in 2 weeks ago. During the time we were apart he saw the kids regularly and him and I talked on a regular basis. She was aware of what was going on but it didn't seem to bother her. I am not sure if this has anything to with her behavior since she has done something like this in the past - probably 6 months ago. But it only lasted a week or so. Any advice would be great! thanks

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is likely that your daughter's anxiety about separating from you is associated with the recent separation of you and your husband. When young children experience unsettledness in their environment, they often react by displaying some regression. In your daughter's case, a resurgence of separation anxiety is occurring. The history is the most reliable predictor of the future, so it is probable that the reaction you are witnessing will wane, just as it did before. Whenever a child has an acute change in her reaction to a situation with which she is familiar, you certainly want to scrutinize the situation to be as sure as you can that nothing inappropariate or unsettling is occurring. It sounds like you're satisfied that the daycare situation is OK, and that nothing is amiss there. IN light of that, your approach is fine, and your daughter's reaction after you depart and when you come to pick her up is indicative of the likelihood that things are actually fine.

[LittleMar19]

Yeah I was thinking the same thing your doctor asked if you there could be something else going on. But they way it sounds is that molesation isnt the case here. Anyway, I think that it is probably normal. My cousin basically has the same problem and her daughter is only 2. Now her daughter does not go to a daycare but a babysitter and when she drops her off in the morning she crys when her mom leaves but is fine afterwards.  You not going in there with her is a good thing because you might have more of a difficault time if you went in there and then tried to leave. I think everything is fine. But is there any chance that something like molestation could have happend to her? That probably isnt the case seeings that she is fine after she gets there.