3 1/2 year old will not stay in bed.

[DrVeko]

Our 3 1/2 year old boy whines and will not sleep by himself throughout the night.  My wife has allowed him to sleep in our bed whenever he wakes up because it is just easier to allow him to do so when we are both asleep, rather than making him go to bed.  He will typically fall asleep in bed with her and then I will come to bed and put him in his own bed.  About 5:30 am every morning, he wakes up and wants to sleep in our bed.  She has tried to take him to bed, and so have I but it is difficult because he whines and wakes up the 1 year old who is sleeping in the crib next to his bed.  She has also tried to take him to the room and lie next to him either on the floor or on his bed which may be counter-productive, because it encourages him to come wake us up in the morning.

Other things which bother me is when the child is still awake in bed with my wife and I come to bed, he actually has a reaction to me coming to bed, and will tell me not to touch him or that I am taking his pillow or even that I am taking his place in bed, whining to my wife who seems to respond to this.

In any event, I am curious if this behavior is normal for a child his age and how do we solve the problem, if there is one?  I am concerned about his independence and relationship maturity.  

Do we absolutely need to separate the children and put them in separate rooms? (we have 3 unused bedrooms but they are all upstairs) Is there another solution?  My thought is that if we separate the children and stick to our guns about him coming to bed with us, it will be a rough ride for a few weeks but it will eventually condition the child in the right direction.  

I believe this will be difficult for my wife who believes that this will make the child feel rejected and will hurt him otherwise.  It seems he is very sensitive as it is, especially when he is very sleepy.

Thanks for your input.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your son's behavior is entirely normal, in the sense that he is doing precisely what he has been 'taught' to do. His behavior is not at all the norm for a child of three, however. He should be falling asleep on his own, in his own bed, and remaining in his own bed throughout the night. You are absolutely correct in your thinking that this situation can be renedied by putting your foot down and insistying that he remain in his own bed. Many parents create this problematic situation unwittingly. They think they are doing the right thing, but they are mistaken. Setting this right will not in actuality be a rejection; it will be teaching your son appropriate independence for his age. In this instance your instinct are correct; your wife's instincts, while understandable, are not correct. If you don't solve this situation now you will be trying to solve it years from now.

[nurse12hr]

We had a star chart (though difficult to do this around the holidays) for a toy my son really wanted.  He got a star for every night he stayed in his own bed.  If he came in with us, we didn't scold or punish him, just no star that night.  

We often went to the toy store to "look" at the toy he coveted and was working towards, we all chattered excitedly about how great it would be when he earned enough stars to get it, and so on.  There was some whining about it, but we tried to keep it positive and upbeat.  We went through a LOT of star-less nights, but eventually he caught on and earned enough.  

Make sure you make it "expensive" enough so he doesn't immediately revert to going back to the old ways.  Another bedroom would be great--you can let him help decorate, have a party to celebrate graduating to the "big boy" room, etc.  You can also work the star chart into this--so many stars til he can have his own room, etc.  I bet he would be into it.  

good luck!

[lmroswell]

You might consider taking your son to the store to buy bed sheets with a kids theme that he might like.  They really enjoy making decisions of their own.  The toy idea is great also.  It worked for me.  In our case, our little girl wanted a ball pit (inflatable toy with small plastic balls).  She had wanted this toy forever, so we made her a deal:  sleep in your bed and stay in your bed, and you can get the ball pit.  Worked like a charm.  We still have those occasional nights of her getting out of bed, but I always put her back.  It also helps to remind them through conversation throughtout the day, what is expected of them at night.  Hope this helps.