3 1/2 yr old son touched by his 10 yr old cousin

[ScaredMom745]

We recently had family visiting from out of state, which included my 10 1/2 yr old nephew. The morning that our guests were to leave, my 3 1/2 yr old son, while in the bathroom, stated "I can play funny penis games with *****". He then proceeded to put open his mouth and thrust his fingers in and out. He also, while sitting in the couch with me, pulled down his pants and started "bobbing" his head up and down. Clearly, something wrong has happened but we are not sure how to move forward with him to make sure he's ok with no long term negative effects  We haven't really even started talking about safe/unsafe touching..obviously, we need to start doing his. We are devastated and scared. We want to address this in the right way but have no idea how to do it without making it a big deal (he doesn't seem to be scared or hurt as he thought it was a me) and we want to teach him how to be safe. He will not be Elise's to this child again as he lives in another state.  Will he forget this in time? HELP!! Who do we talk to for help about how to help our son? Thank you for your time.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You should certainly make reference to the specific event as illustrative of the general issue. Don't back away from what happened. It is very important and your son will be much more likely to make sense of the overall message if it is illustrated by something that actually occurred.

[ScaredMom745]

Thank you. One last point of clarification. Should we be discussing the specific event or general topic?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You should definitely take the initiative and not wait for him to broach the topic. Discussing this issue will not induce shame in him - it isn't the topic per se that could potetially induce shame, it's how a parent chooses to discuss the topic.When such a discussion occurs in a calm, straightforward, sensitive fashion it will serve to help him, not shame him. And discussing the topic does not invest it with any great power to influence him on the long term. Hopefully this will be an opportunity to teach him about some important boundaries (don't use that term, of course).

[ScaredMom745]

Dr. Kennedy, Thank you for responding.  Should we start talking about boundaries if/when he mentions the "incident" or separately or both? We are very concerned about making this an "event" and something that he will choose to hang on to. Also, we don't want to make him feel ashamed in any way. At this age, is this something that he will remember long term? Thanks again for yur time.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

As your note suggests, it is important that you take advantage of this situation to teach your son about this sort of behavior and about touching that is permitted and not permitted. You will find some useful resources in your local library to help you with this task. It is also important, if you have not already done so, to inform your nephew's parents about what you have learned. They should be made aware of his behavior because it invoyres intervention.

[ScaredMom745]

Correction to above...meant to type (he doesn't seem scared or hurt because he thought it was a GAME)