3 1/2 yr old sons behavior

My son is 3 1/2.  Over the past couple of months his behavior has gotton out of control.  He is very mean to everyone he plays with (hitting, saying he hates them, they are ugly, they are mean) he is costantly telling me and his father he hates us and we are mean.  Time outs do not work!  He doesn't stay unless I physically hold him.  We have tried time alone in his room but he destroys the room and throws things at the door.  Have tried telling him to go in his room jump up and down on the bed and scream for 5 mins (this worked the first time but not again).  He is drawing pictures of his Dad covered in blood and told me that Daddy got hit by a tornado.  He is a very smart kid and has always been very well behaved (except normal stuff).  I am a stay at home mom with him and his 1 yr old brother and we take care of his 2 cousins age 2 1/2 and 2.  He also has a 3 1/2 yr old friend who sometimes comes to play.  Lately he has been very controlling and mean to all of them.  I have a degree in Early childhood, have spent years in the classroom and I feel like a failure!  I don't know what else to do with him.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You may not like what I'm about to tell you, but bear with me. It may seem like time outs are not effective, but you can make them effective. If you have to hold your son in time out, then that's what you have to do. If you cede this area of behavior management to him, you are surrendering your authority. You're the adult; he's three years old. It's important that you take charge. If you adhere to my advice, you will not have to restrain him in time out indefinitely. Once he gets the point that you are serious and dedicated to implementing the time out, he will comply with the procedure. Remember that it's not only now that you need this tactic, but throughout his childhood. Please take a look at Lynn Clark's very helpful, practical guide to behavior management. It's called SOS: Help for Parents. It will empower you and help you to re-gain the confidence you have lost.

[Cleveland Mom]

The Doc is right!  See my post My kids were driving me batty in the patient to patient forum on this site.