3 Year Old Behavior

[jess4505]

My daughter will be 4 next month and we are having some major issues with her attitude.  She does not listen to a word we tell her. When she is asked to do something, she will flat out yell "NO!" over and over again. When she is doing something she shouldn't be doing and we ask her to stop, she will look right at my husband and I and keep doing it.  She will give us this little smirk and keep doing it until one of us starts to go towards her. She will stop but start up again as soon as we turn around.  She also spits at us every time we ask her to do something or to stop doing something.  She has a 3 week old baby sister and I am scared to leave them in the same room for even a second.  She is asked to be very nice to her sister, but she will come up and pinch her, press hard on her arm or leg or push the bottle in to her mouth hard if I am feeding her.  It doesn't matter what we do for discipline, nothing seems to help.  We put her in time out, send her to her room, spank her occassionally, take toys away but none of this phases her.  She says sorry and knows exactly what she did wrong, but as soon as she is out of "trouble", she will bring the attitude right back.  This all started about 6 months ago, before her sister was even born.  I know it has gotten worse since she now has a baby sister, but I have no clue how to handle this attitude.  I have spent plenty nights crying because I am so frustrated that I don't know how to handle my own child.  What would you suggest?

[jess4505]

My husband is actually more on the strict side, and she tends to listen to him when I am not around, but it seems as though when I am around, that is when she is mostly acting this way.  When we are together, she doesn't listen to a thing either of us say and tries to do things so she gets attention, whether it is positive or negative.  Which to me seems strange, because when all of us are together, is when she gets the most attention.  

[RockRose]

jess,  what is your husband like with her?  I'm trying to picture this,  and I'm picturing a dad who doesn't try to command respect.  Is that about right?  He wants to be her friend,  or in some other way is unable to assert authority?    Your daughter wouldn't behave like this more than once to my husband,  my dad or my father in law,  although none of the three are abusive or cruel.   They just have an air of loving authority that children don't cross.

[AnnieBrooke]

6 months before her sister was born was when you began to show.  Keep up the individual one on one time, that is what matters.  Praise isn't going to do much, but time in, with her and you, will.

[jess4505]

We try to give her one on one time, but it doesn't matter if it is just her and I somewhere or her and her father somewhere, she still acts out and she was doing this at least 6 months before her sister was even born.  It doesn't matter how much praise she gets.  It just gets very frustrating.  We also get the "I don't like you", "You aren't my friend", "Don't look at me" and I'm not exactly sure how to respond to these when I am already upset with her.  I don't want to lose my temper and make it worse.  

[margypops]

She is jealous, give her one to one time ..focus on her positive side and praise her when you see her doing something right, its hard when a new baby comes along..they are upset and feel very insecure.Get Dad involved playing games with her and having fun ...good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Oh, I mean regularly, like every couple of days, not just once or twice, or once in a while.  You've brought a little usurper into a world where she used to hold full sway, and that is really hard for a toddler to grasp at an emotional level.

[AnnieBrooke]

Are you always with the baby?  Sounds like she needs some individual time with each of you, doing something fun or just something average, so she knows she has not been supplanted.