3 year old Behavior

[Frustrated Mom]

I have already ordered the SOS book that you recommended.  My son is driving me crazy!  He is very strong willed and stubborn and has been from the start. Up to now I was able to handle it and redirect him when needed.  In essence, he doesn't WANT to do anything that I tell him or ask him to do.  If I tell him that he is too close to the TV and to please back up, he says NO! and doesn't. If I then put him into timeout for not doing as I asked, he will sit there and mouth the entire time he is on the chair.  He will say things like "I'm the boss, I'm mad at you, SO,"  I cannot get him to close his mouth. I have tried to explain to him that he isn't allowed to say mean things to me like the word SOOOOO. I've explained to him that he has to do as I tell him because I am the boss, not him in this instance. It isn't like I don't give him an opportunity to make his own choices when reasonable.  I've turned off the TV and that stops it for that time (except that the mouthing continues). If I then remind him that he is too close to it, the next few times he will backup as asked.  But it won't last long and he will push up against it and we go thru the same fight all over again.  I can't seem to get him to understand that he is always going to get into trouble for the same things until he quits.  The problem is that these same kind of things have been going on since he began moving as an infant.  When can I expect that he will quit?  Also, any suggestions for getting him to quit talking when I tell him too?  He interrupts everything. I cannot find a way to disipline him that works.  We can't talk to our other children, we can't be on the phone, we can't take him anywhere that we would expect him to be quiet because if he choses to talk he will.  We have tried taking away toys, spanking, soaping his mouth for mean words, time out.  etc.

Help!!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Frustrated Mom,

When you place your son in time out, it's important to use a timer (portable oven timer, e.g.) and to start the timer only when your son is quiet. You will find that he'll quiet down much more readily. You've made a sound investment by obtaining the S.O.S.: Help for Parents book. Follow it carefully.

I'm not sure it makes sense to try to limit his talking right now (in other, non-disciplinary situations). But, if you do want to intervene, employ time out regularly after such episodes (e.g., when you're talking on the phone). It may be more profitable to identify a few types of situations in which the talking really poses a problem, and focus on those, relaxing about the others.

[Donni McMasters]

Been there done that.  My son is 4.  He is not as bad as he used to be.  Just hang in there, I've been told this is normal behavior for them at this age.  Just know that your not alone and it can't get any worse and that it has to get better!  Good Luck

[Frustrated Mom]

Thanks for the advice.  I'ts nice to know that others have had the same problem. I already use the timer. What I haven't done is ensure that he is QUIET before I turn it on. I'll try that today as I'm sure that he will end up in timeout.

[Jill]

You're not alone!  I have a 3 year old that I thought had "grown out" of the tantrum stage.  If I take him to the store, he throws a tantrum when I put him in the cart and starts kicking me and pulling my hair.  If I let him walk, he pulls everything off the shelves and runs away from me.  He screams the whole time we are out in public and it's so embarrassing to me.  People are always critically staring at us and it drives me crazy.  
I guess that we just have to take it one day at a time and hope that they stop someday.
Best of luck!
Jill

[becky vanhoe]

i'm having the same problems please help

[Frustrated Mom - A Question]

I have now read the SOS book that you recommended and have targeted the bad behavior that I want to change.  One of the two that I have targeted is sassy backtalk.  My question is this.

I am going to use time-out for this.  The only thing that I can't figure out from the book is, for instance, if I am putting him to bed and he sassy backtalks do I put him in time-out like I would any other time?  If I do, wouldn't this be a reward in his mind?  Even if time-out is boring, it might be better than going to bed?

GREAT BOOK.  I knew most of it but it is hard when you are in the middle of the problem to look past and figure out what to do. This really helped me to get my plan of action together and not just react but be proactive.

I WOULD RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE.

[Teresa]

I have the same problem with my soon-to-be 3 yr old daughter.  (The problem seemed to start a few months after her 2nd birthday).  I have a question for all those who have the same problem.  What type of diet does your child follow?  I try to limit sweets and caffeine in hopes of curbing some of the tantrums and wonder if anyone had found this to be effective??  So far I have had limited success but my daughter is in daycare and does get some sugar and caffeine (chocolate) there.

[hannah]

Well, I've never read my solution for backtalk and inappropriate language in a book, but I can tell you it works!  I've always tried to have the punishment fit the crime, and have often defined my kids misbehavior to them by the part of the body they're using incorrectly.  To explain better:  When my children (6 & 3) don't use their mouths correctly (i.e. backtalk, etc.)I threaten them with putting 'yucky stuff' in their mouths.  I never liked the idea of soap-I use Tobasco sauce!  It only takes a tiny drop on my finger and its harmless, instantaneous, and easy to do.  Because it's so awful to the kids, I find that they can only concentrate on the feeling and stop the behavior.  Usually an episode like this (and it doesn't happen very often!)is followed by quiet time while they drink some water and and are calm enough to listen to me.

Another example:  My sister-in-law recently made her 6 yr. old wear socks on her hands b/c she wouldn't stop scratching her brother!

Time outs can be very useful, but I find they lose their effect when overused. Maybe try to vary punishments so that the child sees a direct correlation to his behavior and the punishment.

[Krystle_3boys]

A related discussion, Can any one hepl? was started.