3 year old frustrating behaviours

[JENNY]

I have read through the other submissions and feel a little as though this may be a waste of your time.  My husband and I are educated and have a strong relationship.  Our three year old is in the top child care centre for our city. I am an early childcare educator myself (at the same child care centre as my son).  I went into this field to be a better Mom (due to my family's background) and feel as though I am now failing terribly (my husband feels the same way about his parenting skills).  My son was a very "easy" (compliant) 2 year old but now at 3 we are observing behaviours that we feel we are not handling correctly. We are very strict and only use positive behaviour management techniques which have worked up until now (positive reinforcement, choices, stating what we want him to do instead of what we don't,giving him time to complete tasks, making a game out of a request, and if necessary, hand over hand guidance as well as time out - very rarely and only for aggression). Now, the above doesn't seem to work and we end up screaming at him if he is oppositional.  We have never done this before and do not like doing it, but do not want him to become "spoiled"!  His "problem" behaviours have only begun in the last 3-4 months.  We are very frustrated and are at a loss.  This is where we have begun our journey for answers and help.  Some of his behaviours include the following.
He smiles at us when we repeat requests and doesn't do them.  He is starting to ignore and willfully defy us (temper tantrums).  He also seems to not be able to keep still when needed (dinner table), is constantly interrupting (telephone and conversations), and just today started (gently) hitting us.  He is a very handsome, charming and highly intelligent/verbal child.  He is also very sensitive (when we raise our voices he tearfully states that  we've "scared" him).  Is this normal testing behaviour of a 3 year old?  Are there other techniques we could be using?  We feel that ours are more meant for a two rather than three year old.   Sorry for the length.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jenny,

Your question is perfectly sensible, and the solution to what you are facing is not complicated.

Your son is acting in a normal way for a three-year-old. The problem rests with your limit-setting and discipline. It's important not to repeat directions to a child over and over - you will only be teaching him not to take you seriously. And, of course, when he doesn't comply, you will get more and more angry. This is a pattern that leads to yelling and screaming - as you know already, this is not helpful.

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to managing children's behavior. It sounds like you are doing too much talking. Your approach won't bring good results. Your son needs to see you acting in a more decisive way. For some additional specifics, use the SEARCH function in this Forum and check on replies to questions about Time Out, Behavior, Discipline, Parenting, etc. In addition, for a terrific manual on the how-to's of behavior management, read Lynn Clark's SOS - Help for Parents. You won't regret it.

[Jenny Pattsion]

Dear HVMA - Ph.D. - KDK
Thank you for your time and advice!  We were definitely talking to our son quite a bit!  We really appreciate your suggestions and will be limiting the "conversation" during discipline.  We will also be visiting the sites you have suggested for further information.
Sincerely,
Jenny & E.J. Pattison