3 year old son, What do I do?

My son is 3 years old and will be 4 in Jan. He behaves very poorly at home. He hits me and others, sometimes bites although this seems to be going away now. He goes into a rage whenever he does not get his way or something goes wrong. He will scream throw things,hit anyone that gets in his way. I often wonder if he can even contrl this behavior. In the past month he has tried to kill our cat(We found her passed out from him choking her). He has punched his Grandfather and split his lip. He went into a rage at a department store and was throwing everything he could
get his hand on. A woman yelled at him (she had no right to do this)in an attemped to calm him down so he punched her in the face.My family will not watch him anymore all my babysitters quit. The main reason I am confussed about all this is he goes to preschool full time and his teacher thinks he is an angle. He never acts this way in school.(He has been there for 6 months)
Am I doing something wrong or can a child with some kind of problem control behavior in certain situations.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Karen,

The sorts of behaviors you describe can be indicative of a number of conditions, including Disruptive Behavior Disorders, Mood Disorders or behavior disorders that do not represent, necessarily, an organized emotional disorder. In addition to parent-child interactional problems, contributing factors can involve brain chemistry, metabolic variables and nutritional factors.

It is critical at this early point in your son's life to arrange for an evaluation, beginning with his pediatrician and likely including pediatric behavioral health/mental health assessment. It is encouraging that he does well in his pre-school - this would tend to argue against the presence of a serious mood disorder, but this needs to be teased out via the evaluation process.

[Kyle's Mom]

A lot of these kids are angels in school but act out at home, especially with their mothers.  My 6 yr old always argued with me but not my husband.  We had the same problems with my 6 yr old son's behavior when he was between 4 & 5 - hitting, arguing, yelling, throwing things, biting, spitting, etc.  Now we rarely have a problem.  

If he eats a lot of preprocess foods, juices, etc.  try eliminating artificial dyes, flavors, and preservatives from his diet.  No Jello, Kool-Aid, most juices and candy.  Read labels and only buy foods with no artificial ingredients and dyes.  Limits sodas, caffiene, sugar, etc.  Cook from scratch and give fruits and vegetables as snacks - not junk food. It has only been a few months that I figured out dairy products was causing behavior problems so you may want to try this too.  Dairy, wheat, and gluten are some of the major foods that cause behavior problems.  

We also added Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids with excellent improvement in behavior.  A lot of ADHD boys are deficient in essential fatty acids.  A really good vitamin supplement with no artificial ingredients may help too.  

Try also giving specific praise for good behavior and trying not to react to the hitting,etc. by yelling, spanking, etc.  BTDT and it only makes things worse.  Try reading "The Defiant Child'.

If he does not improve after doing dietary changes and improving your reaction to his outbursts, he may need to be assessed.

[debbie]

What do I need to do with my three year old?

I have a son who just turned three year old in September and a 9month old baby.  I have three concerns. He has been going to montessori since June of this year, the separation process went smoothly.  My three year old does not like painting, or coloring, building blocks or gluing stuffs by himself or sometimes even with me. How can I get him motivated in doing these things?  I bought art materials to do with him, he is not interested. He does not work/play with one project, building blocks, counting, etc, he is busy looking at other children.  He bothers them, taking away their work/play things. He just loves to run around instead of doing constructive things.  What can I do to get him involved in fine-motor skills, and have him understand the concept of game that he needs to follow a rule?

My second concern: He heard me say 'I do not like you' and 'he is a bad boy' and Now he always says "I do not like you!" and used to say "you, Bad boy" to his friend, me, and daddy, and grandma, grandpa, great grandma who babysat him until he went to montessori.  He does not like saying good-bye or hi or kiss them on cheeks(give only when they give him a candy or give something that he likes), whenever they want to they almost always have to beg him to show little affection.  Which is totally different when I drop him at school, he kisses so many times and i do too upon his demand.  About second week into him being at school, I took his great-grandma to school to pick him up, he was so upset that I brought her there; he did not say hi but he told her "go away.  He still does the same thing to grannies.  I don't understand why he behaves this way.  My son cannot seem to sit still, except when he is watching his favorite video, concentrate.  

My third concern: He is jealous of his little brother, and hits and sometimes bites the baby.  I am very careful not to give too much attention to the baby - I feel that I am depriving love for my second baby. It is so physically tiring to keep up with the three year old. I want to raise both children with displine, self-control, self-confidence, knowing who they really are and being comportable and happy with themselves, and with good values and morals.

I am sorry for being so long. Please reply at your earliest convenience.