3 year old with behavior problems at daycare/preschool

[mandkross]

Our 3 year old son (June 02) is having problems relating to other kids at his daycare/preschool.  He's been attending the school 3 to 5 days a week for the last 3 years, so he's not new in the setting.  His preschool is set up into three "small groups" broken down into 2 year olds, 3 year olds and 4 year olds.  He does fine in the small group setting, in fact, he's academically at the very top of his small group, but it's when he's out on the playground with the large group (and less structured setting) that he's having a number of problems.  Primarily, he's running the tricycle into other kids (don't know if it's on purpose or not, but I'd assume it is), throwing dirt at other kids and when told to stop he doesn't listen well to his teachers, repeadedly saying "no" when they ask him to do something.  He comprehends right and wrong, because when I ask him about his actions on the playground he'll tell me he "didn't make a good choice and got a time-out".

Earlier this year, the daycare/preschool wanted to hold him back from moving up in the small groups because of his behavior.  We fought it on the principle that a) holding back a child for behavior would not help him learn good behavior if he's in with 2 year olds for small group and b) academically he's at the very top of the group so if he's bored with what's in front of him he's likely to get into trouble (or at least has in the past).  Since he's been in the new 3 year old group he's done just fine.

At home we've tried time-outs repeatedly and taking him away from the situation and removing the toy and for the most part it works, but sometimes it has absolutely no effect.  He doesn't relate well to the other boys on the playground, who (all are 4 with one exception) at this point don't play at all with him.  

At this point we're looking for any suggestions for help with him, we're not sure if this is just normal 3 year old behavior, a developmental problem that we're not recognizing or needing better discipline on our (parents) and /or teachers part.

thanks in advance!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It sounds like you are on the right track in the way you set limits and in the expectations you have for your son. The sort of oppositional behavior you describe is not unusual for the age and requires consistent, systematic limit setting and, if necessary, discipline (such as time out). His impulse control will improve over time if you continue with your common sense limit setting. He seems to be responding well to the situation in school now, and it indicates you were correct in advocating for him to move on to the older group.

[022569]

A related discussion, my son is three was started.