3-year-old's unhealthy attachment to classmate

[LaurenW]

Since starting preschool this fall, my 3-year-old daughter has been very clingy with one classmate.  Already familiar with this girl before school began, my daughter understandably relied on her for security as she she adjusted to life at school.  I expected this behavior to subside with time, but it has actually intensified and reached a level of desperation and exclusivity that distresses me.  My daughter seems so preoccupied with the task of monitoring and "monopolizing" her friend that she is unable to function normally.  If the friend is temporarily absent, my daughter returns to her normal, energetic, engaged, sociable self.  But in the presence of her friend, my ordinarily independent and self-confident daughter will not eat a snack or go to the bathroom without the friend's consent (oddly enough, however, I would still say my daughter is the dominant one in the relationship--very confusing).  Making matters worse, this exclusive friend is not particularly gracious towards my daughter.  What can I ask of teachers to help remedy this problem, and how can I do it without insulting their somewhat laissez-faire methodology?  I've casually mentioned my concerns in passing, and they've been a little dismissive and even, at times, enabling of the attachment.  So now I'm planning to have a more serious discussion with them.  In addition, is there anything I can do or say to my daughter to coax her out of this behavior?  I've already organized opportunities for one-on-one play with other classmates.  She plays very well with these other kids but then reverts to the same pattern the next day at school.  And finally, is my daughter establishing a pattern for how she's going to be behave socially in the future?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In a general sense, I'd encourage you not be too alarmed by the nature of this relationship. Your daughter displays her sound social skills in the absence of this peer, and those skills sound like they are deinitely on the normal spectrum. I wouldn't address this particularly with your daughter. You are doing what can reasonably be done to keep her in touch with other children, and it's not as if she confines herself to this child alone. All in all, it does not sound like you need to worry. No doubt the staff at school could pair/group her with other peers, but such intervention may really not be necessary. I wouldn't say this if she was immobilized when she is with other children, but that isn't the case.