3 yo will not sleep at night

My 3.5 year old son will not go to bed easily. His bedtime is 8:00pm and he usually falls asleep between 12pm and 2am. After he is put to bed he screams non-stop. When you go in he claims he is scared (he has a night light and we keep his door open with lights on outside because he won't even lie down otherwise). If you don't go in when he's screaming he comes out complaining that he is scared, hungry, thirsty, needs a diaper change (he refuses to use the potty too). Even if you do give him what he wants, he still screams all the way back to bed and continues screaming. He has gone hours screaming even if you do go in constantly and give him what he wants. We reassure him that there are no bad guys, we hold him, anything we can think of to calm him down, but nothing works. Even though we have a routine (bath, clean room, quick games, then bedtime), as soon as he lays in bed, he starts screaming, no matter how calm he was before we put him in bed.

Also, at some point every night he crawls into bed with us, usually after he has peed himself and his bed, and this is typically about 6 am. We clean him up and change him, and let him sleep with us and he wakes up at 8:30 sharp every morning, even if he went to bed at 3. This has been going on for about 2 months now.

[mammo]

Your son is onviously too terrifed to sleep alone at night.  Does he pee himself every night, and if so put a pull-up on him, being wet at night is just one more thing to wake him. If his routine is in the order you wrote it, then that's part of the problem.  He 's getting too much activity before bedtime.  It should be his bath, and then quiet time with you or his dad reading to him to relax him. If the fact that he says he is scared isn't enough for you to let him into your room, then he will make up other reasons in an attenpt to get you to understand.  Have you tried some very quite music in the background?  Any white noise, like a fan?  I'm old school, if my child was too frightened to sleep in their own room, they were allowed to be with us.  I thought of how I would feel being a little one and terrified in the night,  and never wanted my child to be this scared.  But I'm big on if they need you, they need you...period.   My children sleeping with us or on a little bed beside ours only lasted a few months and they would be ready to sleep in their own room when they were ready. You say no matter how relaxed he is, he screams for hours, this is not doing anything but frustratiung him, and wondering why mommy or daddy isn't helping him.  I think WAY TOO MUCH emphasis is put on the child sleeping alone, and that it will "do something to them" if we give in, which is nonsense. I think sometimes kids just aren't ready and we "make" them be ready.  If this has gone on for two months and he is still screaming for you, I would end it right now, as he is not ready and this is only traumatizing him more. My children were always well adjusted, and very independent and still are as adults.  I think if your child needs or wants you, you need to meet that need at this young of an age.