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3.5 year old son only aggressive at daycare
Oh what to do when you are at the end of your rope.
Our 3.5 year old son was moved from a small home daycare to a group daycare 8 months ago. Prior to the move we never got reports of any aggressive behavior like hitting, yelling or spitting.
A couple of months into the new center, we started getting reports of hitting, spitting, pushing and yelling. He has not seriously hurt anyone but will pull things from his friends hands, yell if they take his things, has pushed, lashed out at a teacher a few times and recently told a child he was going to spank them. We are feeling the effects of the constant negative reinforcement. Like a child, we can only take so much negative reporting.
We are not put your head in the sand kind of parents. We recognize that there is a problem. We are blindsided because this behavior only happens at daycare. Sure, in play date situations there can be sharing issues etc, but nothing we would call aggressive. He eats well, sleeps well, talks non stop, can count and do ABC's - all the normal developmental stuff. His dad and I are in a loving marriage and we both work from home. We both take him to school and pick him up and spend 90% of all weekends and all other moments together. At home he is generally polite, and does what is asked and like a typical toddler, can get frustrated when he doesn't want to do something like turn off the TV or brush his teeth.
Daycare has asked us to call in a behavior specialist as they are not equipped or have the training to deal with these situations. There is another boy at the school how was removed from his last daycare for aggression and he has a specialist attending daycare.
I don't know if we should keep him at his current school and work with a specialist or find a new school. Is the behavior caused by school or just him? Will changing to a more peaceful environment be a positive step or will changing school cause his little body stress?
I have been reading as much as I can and there is not consistent message on what parent's should do.
And - if any mothers are reading this - please, don't shun and alienate moms and dads of kids who are not perfect. It is hurtful and painful. We work so hard as parents every day to teach our son respect, generosity, love and compassion. At least the rest of the world could try to do that as well.
Our 3.5 year old son was moved from a small home daycare to a group daycare 8 months ago. Prior to the move we never got reports of any aggressive behavior like hitting, yelling or spitting.
A couple of months into the new center, we started getting reports of hitting, spitting, pushing and yelling. He has not seriously hurt anyone but will pull things from his friends hands, yell if they take his things, has pushed, lashed out at a teacher a few times and recently told a child he was going to spank them. We are feeling the effects of the constant negative reinforcement. Like a child, we can only take so much negative reporting.
We are not put your head in the sand kind of parents. We recognize that there is a problem. We are blindsided because this behavior only happens at daycare. Sure, in play date situations there can be sharing issues etc, but nothing we would call aggressive. He eats well, sleeps well, talks non stop, can count and do ABC's - all the normal developmental stuff. His dad and I are in a loving marriage and we both work from home. We both take him to school and pick him up and spend 90% of all weekends and all other moments together. At home he is generally polite, and does what is asked and like a typical toddler, can get frustrated when he doesn't want to do something like turn off the TV or brush his teeth.
Daycare has asked us to call in a behavior specialist as they are not equipped or have the training to deal with these situations. There is another boy at the school how was removed from his last daycare for aggression and he has a specialist attending daycare.
I don't know if we should keep him at his current school and work with a specialist or find a new school. Is the behavior caused by school or just him? Will changing to a more peaceful environment be a positive step or will changing school cause his little body stress?
I have been reading as much as I can and there is not consistent message on what parent's should do.
And - if any mothers are reading this - please, don't shun and alienate moms and dads of kids who are not perfect. It is hurtful and painful. We work so hard as parents every day to teach our son respect, generosity, love and compassion. At least the rest of the world could try to do that as well.
I've started having the same issues with my 3.5 yr old son,I have no idea what to do with him!
He was fine in the first day-care center, but not in the second one. What is different about the two? Is the second center bad for him in some way?
Maybe he is overstimuated at the new daycare. Also, the spanking can in some cases cause mroe aggression. I had to stop using it on my son, it would casuse more aggression. I would continue to keep an open dialogue with the daycare and try to find as many solutions as you can. Is there any particular person in the classroom that your son does not get along with? is tehre any way you can go into the center and observe without your son knowing you are there, so you can see it firsthand and get an idea about what is happening. Soemtimes, bad kids get a label too and it becomes expected behaviour for them, a cycle that is hard to get out of.
We are going through the EXACT same thing with our 3.5 year old son for the last couple of months. We have constant reports of how he pushes, hits, kicks and screams at the pther children. It began a few months after starting at the centre. At first I thought it was a phase, but now I'm not sure how long phases last with kids this age? He regularly gets separated from the rest of the group now, due to his unpredictable behaviour. We have occasional moments with him being a little bit like that at home, but he is mostly very chatty, kind and respectful. My husband and I are at a lost as to what to do. Our family doctor has referred us to a pediatrician, so I'm curious what that will be like.
It's so awful, because you know your child to be lovely and funny and kind, so getting such negative reports every time you pick them up is exhausting and frustrating! Let me know what works for you guys.
Good luck!
It's so awful, because you know your child to be lovely and funny and kind, so getting such negative reports every time you pick them up is exhausting and frustrating! Let me know what works for you guys.
Good luck!
Rock Rose - I am not sure where I said I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I did state we are feeling the affects of negative reporting and when I speak about other parents, I never said they were speaking to us. In fact the opposite is true. They speak behind our backs and shun us. In fact, they have rarely once spoken to us since we started school. I would love it if they spoke to me and showed me some advice - shared ideas - gave support. Are we all not in this together? I try every day to say hello, talk to them and we get blank stares in return ourselves.
While I would love to keep my son home that is impossible. My office is at home, which means I have more flexibility to pick him up early, attend field trips and take days off, but I have to think of it in the same way as an out-of-home office. Have you tried to run a marketing and design company with a 3-year-old running around? Impossible though I am sure some of our clients would find it amusing LOL.
I do look to school as the experts in dealing with situations - trained professionals as they are. Unfortunately, they have not come forward with a plan. I have asked them to video tape and record his behavior so we can see if there is a pattern. That was a week ago. We have visited a child psychologist and 2 additional care centers where we were very honest about our situation.
I don't agree that children raised at home model better behavior though I respect your opinion. it is not realistic for many of today's parents. Plus it simply is not true. I know stay-at-home moms and work out of the home moms - many have issues. I was raised by a working mom 40 years ago which was strange for its time but I am proud of my mom for what she accomplished.
And just as a final note, we do ask parents at play dates how he was and we get "He was well-behaved." So, I hope you can understand why we are confused. I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking "Sure if only happens at school ... get your head out of the clouds lady ... we don't believe you." I can assure you that this is the situation we are in. To say I was confused would be an understatement.
While I would love to keep my son home that is impossible. My office is at home, which means I have more flexibility to pick him up early, attend field trips and take days off, but I have to think of it in the same way as an out-of-home office. Have you tried to run a marketing and design company with a 3-year-old running around? Impossible though I am sure some of our clients would find it amusing LOL.
I do look to school as the experts in dealing with situations - trained professionals as they are. Unfortunately, they have not come forward with a plan. I have asked them to video tape and record his behavior so we can see if there is a pattern. That was a week ago. We have visited a child psychologist and 2 additional care centers where we were very honest about our situation.
I don't agree that children raised at home model better behavior though I respect your opinion. it is not realistic for many of today's parents. Plus it simply is not true. I know stay-at-home moms and work out of the home moms - many have issues. I was raised by a working mom 40 years ago which was strange for its time but I am proud of my mom for what she accomplished.
And just as a final note, we do ask parents at play dates how he was and we get "He was well-behaved." So, I hope you can understand why we are confused. I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking "Sure if only happens at school ... get your head out of the clouds lady ... we don't believe you." I can assure you that this is the situation we are in. To say I was confused would be an understatement.
scarlet, I'm concerned that twice in your post you talk about not wanting to hear about this anymore - at the first of your post, and then at the end a paragraph about stop bringing this to our attention, stop making us uncomfortable because our son is misbehaving. Treat him, and us, with respect regardless of how our son is behaving.
I do get that, and I understand the feeling of being sick of hearing bad reports, so I do sympathize somewhat.
But after watching a generation of children grow up, I will share this. Parents who openly say "was my son really good at your house? Because if he wasn't, I really want to know about it. Even though it's uncomfortable, please, if you see my son doing something upsetting, please let me know" are parents whose children succeed in curbing inappropriate behaviors.
I've also seen other parents - who clearly are tired of hearing bad reports - and they end up saying "what am I supposed to do? He's at school, they should be handling it" or they quickly shut other parents down or act defensive or give a blank stare and don't react when other parents express that their kids were misbehaving - those kids don't get better, and the parents don't get the respect of the teachers or the neighbors.
I think what you should do, since you both work from home, is take him out of this daycare and put him in a small preschool setting - 2 mornings a week, 9 to noon. I think he'll do much better there learning social skills and he will be in an environment with other children who are raised at home, not daycare, and they can model better behavior.
Best wishes. I know this is hard, but if you take the stance of being tired of hearing about it, it won't get better and you won't be appreciated.
I do get that, and I understand the feeling of being sick of hearing bad reports, so I do sympathize somewhat.
But after watching a generation of children grow up, I will share this. Parents who openly say "was my son really good at your house? Because if he wasn't, I really want to know about it. Even though it's uncomfortable, please, if you see my son doing something upsetting, please let me know" are parents whose children succeed in curbing inappropriate behaviors.
I've also seen other parents - who clearly are tired of hearing bad reports - and they end up saying "what am I supposed to do? He's at school, they should be handling it" or they quickly shut other parents down or act defensive or give a blank stare and don't react when other parents express that their kids were misbehaving - those kids don't get better, and the parents don't get the respect of the teachers or the neighbors.
I think what you should do, since you both work from home, is take him out of this daycare and put him in a small preschool setting - 2 mornings a week, 9 to noon. I think he'll do much better there learning social skills and he will be in an environment with other children who are raised at home, not daycare, and they can model better behavior.
Best wishes. I know this is hard, but if you take the stance of being tired of hearing about it, it won't get better and you won't be appreciated.
He has never been spanked in any situation. We preach non violence and practice time outs and remove toys as consequences for behavior.
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