4 1/2 year old who bites and kicks you when given a time out

[jean]

I am a family support worker who has been trying to assist a mother with her child who is extremely difficult. The mother has previously been in an physically abusive relationship with her husband. She also states that she has had several abusive relationships with men.  The mother has fetal alcohol syndrome, but works extremely hard to be a good parent.She is generally kind and gentle; however she has difficulty being consistent.Even for a person without fetal alcohol syndrome it would be impossible to be consistent, since this case is definetly beyond the norm.
For an example: When I enter their home, the child will throw a bowl at me. He then has a bowl movement in his pants He doesn't want to go and get changed, so he slaps his mother across the face. She takes him upstairs to clean him and states that he will have his time out after he is changed. He continues to kick her. After he is changed she puts him on the stair, he continues to get off  and won't sit down. Eventually she has to hold him in a restraint and then he continues to try and bite and kick her. She is constantly telling him she will let go, when he will sit by himself.However he just tries and blows his nose so it will get all over her. After the four minutes is up, she lets him go. He will then immediately throw something at her. Again he is in a time out with the same behavior occuring. He is then released and he pokes her. Another time out. It took three time outs before the behavior quit. We use to put him in his room, but then he would throw things. This did not seem to decrease the hitting. After three time outs. He then had his dinner.
He would grind his fork into the table.When you would give him a warning that you will take it away, he will then throw it on the ground and tell you to pick it up. I then stated that he will have to pick it up before he plays. He then will throw his food and his juice. This behavior is constant. Bathtime is just as frusterating and he always ends up with a time out for hitting.
I have set up a program for toilet training where he gets a sticker if he uses the toilet. This has improved his ability to use the toilet.
This child has a wonderful imagination and a good vocabulary, but his behavior is way beyond the norm.I have been encouraging the mom to play with him so it is not always discipline.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Jean,

You are correct in your observation that this youngster's behavior is outside the norm. What I mean by 'outside the norm' is that his behavior is not an example of a typical, average childhood behavior problem. Rather, he is displaying signs of serious emotional disturbance and requires, in addition to family-based behavior management, specialized, professional intervention. I imagine he will require placement in a therapeutic pre-school program, ongoing therapy/parent guidance, and possibly pharmacological intervention.

[Cristina]

Excuse me for saying, but this mother should take that child and spank his rear once in a while.  Time out is not the answer, and it never will be.  Fetal Alcohol Syndrome has noyhing to do with this, the child needs to be disiplined in other forms of ways.  Giving the child time-out should be out of the question.  If you can't control a child thats almost five than you can't control anything.  This child knows he can get away with anything.  He thinks "will mom will just put me in time-out and then I can start being a brat all over again" no this child needs to know what the consequences are.  Will dont you think thats its about time you need to spank that child so he knows whos boss?  would'nt you teach your pet this?  Will a puppy is just like a child it needs disipline and you are the one to give them that disipline. How could you let your child hit you?  you are the parent you know.  You should take this child in your arms and tell him you love him, but don't let them get away with anything, forget time-out thats nonsense.  I don't believe in that and I never will. You need to take control of this situation and don't let this child even if it is your own child, don't let them walk all over you.  The doctor that had the idea of not spanking a child has some loose marbles in his head.  I think "Dr. Spock" said spanking your child to disipline them is not the answer.  "Thats garbage"  He does'nt know what he is talking about.  I have raised 3 children raised them on my own, and had my second child go off on me like this and he knew who mom was when it came to spanking one good firm spank in the rear did it all. And now those kids respect their peers and their elders. They became closer to me and learned quick.  Of course in this country they would call it "Child Abuse".  Maybe thats why a child can hit a parent, but a parent can't hit a child.  When are people ever going to learn that medicating a child or feeling sorry for them because of a parent being a drug addict or a alcoholic they think that, that child has also alcohol syndrome.  Thats also a bunch of garbage.  I cried many tears when raising my children, but I will never let them desrespect me in anyway.  All my children are (A) students now and now we get along fine.  Don't be a cop-out as a parent stand up for your parents rights or pretty soon your child will be the parent and you the child.

[Christine]

my son is 4 years 7 months. his behaviors are alot like you described...only there was no alcohol in pregnancy... he was  just released from the hospital on a baker act for throwlng a knife at his nurse...he is heavily medicated on mellaril, buspar,tenex, and neurontin....nothing has worked...he has been diagnosed autistic....he speaks very well...maybe your dr should look at that possibility..

[james]

I have a 4 year old and a three year old that I raise on my own.
I would like to reply to a recent reply From christina. You are such a big person to resort to beating your child. Your way of thinking is "if he/she misbehaves I really don't have the patients to apply a non-violent disipline so I will go ahead and cause physical pain. Such a loving mother you are. Well later, and I'll pray for your children.