4-3/4 year old back sliding on the toilet

[CAKVAK]

My 4.75 year old son is adopted and home for 2 years. He was trained (timed) for BM when he came home and rarely had a bm in his pullup. He learned to use the toilet for urine a 9 months ago. (still in pullups at nite).  He still has occational urine accidents, but about 4-5 months ago, after being out of pullups during the day for a few months, he began having bm "accidents" during the day. (this happens both at pre-school and at home on the weekends) When we ask him if he has to go or remind him to go, he is very defiant and often says he does not have to, only to have an accident 15 minutes later (both kinds).

He seems to wait till the last possible second to go to the toilet for a BM, and as a result, often does not get there in time, or his bm has become very loose and he soils his underwear. We don't whether to ignore it or get angry. He seems to smile out of embarassement or get really upset when he does have an accident, but the behavior does not change.

As for urine, again, he often waits until he can't hold it any more and makes it to the toilet a little too late.

His younger brother (natural brother, 1 year younger adopted at the same time), was completely un-potty trained and has since passed his brother in consistency and timing. He almost never has an accident. We don't compare them, but do praise his brother for his success.

Rewards have not worked. Scolding has not worked. Asking and/or putting him on the pot has not worked. Some times he goes for a couple of days without an accident. Sometimes it happens every day for weeks. He and his brother recently spent a long weekend with his grandmother and had no accidents for 4 days. Help. This has completely stymied and frustrated us and we need some new ideas.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This sort of pattern is not unusual in children who have been 'trained' at an early age - actually he was not really fully trained. You will never go wrong by continuing to be patient and supportive and encouraging, not complaining or punitive. Simple reward systems are useful, even if you find yourself not rewarding your son all that frequently. It is also a good idea, while he is achieving mastery of toilet training, to have him sit on the potty a couple of time blocks each day. It obviously is not helpful with your son to be asking him if he has to use the potty - that appears to irritate him and it may be adding to the strain. As a way to encourage him or liven his interest, make judicious use of books and videoa, but don't make excessive use of them. As I say all this, I'm assuming he's fine medically and that he has received a clean bill of health from his pediatrician.

[sasha514]

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