4-5 year old behavior

[pleshette]

I have an adoptive daughter who just turned 5.  I have had her since she was one. I have had every test taken that could be taken on a child and everything comes back normal. My problem with her is she consistantly lies everyday. She lies about simple things and then come back 5 minutes later and tell you a different lie about something we already discussed. She constantly eats or drinks anything that is not hers when we are out. She eats off the ground, floor, or just pick up off a table, which is totally nasty. She is very busy and is constantly moving. She is very smart as to remembering things but she can't seem to remember not to eat this or that, don't touch this, or stop lieing. She can meet someone one day and don't see them again until next year and can remember there name and where she meet them. She likes to touch things and people. She loves hugs and she sucks her fingers. I have taken her to therapy and psy. but they all say the same thing. Try this or that or we have to wait until she is older. Do anyone have any suggestions because I am really tired. Spanking, punishment, time out nothing works. I put her in cheerleading hoping that will help but she acts out there also. She will be starting kindergarten in two weeks. Just don't know what else to do.

[kqshorey]

It sounds like your daughter has Pica.  http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/pica.html you can look it up on line.  I would ignore the lying or create an insentive behavior chart to earn stickers for TELLING THE TRUTH THE FIRST TIME!  When she earns 2-4 stickers then reward her with something that you have chosen ahead of time.  That way she can work for it.  You could have a list of activites or things that she would like to earn.  If she lies then she doesn't earn a sticker toward that reward.  Don't every take a sticker away, b/c that is not a positive behavior plan.  She will be in control of her own destiny.  I am a special educator and taking away or negative attention is just as satisfying for some children.  

[enikki]

try helping her recognize when she behaves the way you DO want her too, and give her lots of positive reenforcement, while ignoring her if possible when she does the other behaviors.  think of the tons of attention she is getting - children will take it however they can get it.  obviously positive attention is better, healthier, and could lead to a happier future.

this very basic advice may be hard to appreciate at first but consistency, as with everything, is necessary to see results.

when we are not stressed by oppositional 4-year-olds, when we are enchanted by our own babies and toddlers, it is quite obvious that positive reenforcement is the most loving, nurturing, self-esteem building.

[pleshette]

The problem is getting worst. She is telling stories every single day now. For instance she got a spanking twice last night for telling stories. after the second spanking she decides to tell the truth. we try to explain to her that if she tells us the truth the first time things will be better. we are at a loss because she lies so much we don't know when she is telling the truth. she is lieing at daycare also. she will start kindergarten next week and we hope being in a different environment with older kids that she might start acting better. any suggestiions of other punishments? we have tried time outs, no tv, no toys, cleaning up, jumping, and spanking and none seems to affect her.

[billnason]

Dr. Kennedy is right.  Adopted children often have attactment issues, which often includes impulse control issues and difficutly regulating their emotions.  They can often be self centered and have difficulty evaluating the effects that their behavior has on others.  Cnhgilbert is also correct in thinking their may be sensory issues with your daughter.  I am a behavior specialist  and frequently use sensory integration techniques with children with disabilities.  I have a sensory symptom check list that your might be interested in.  If you email me at ***@**** I will be glad to send it to you.

I think there are three good suggestions above you can try:

1.  Read a little about attachment disorders or see a someone who specializes in Reactive Attachment Disorders.
2.  Seek out an occupational therapist who has a specialty in sensory integration.  I would check with your local school when she starts kindegarden.   They often have occupational therapists.
3.  Continue to read a few books on behavior management, or see a behavior specialist.  

Try to keep this thought in mind.  Usually children who are oppositional and defiant often feeli very incompetent in the situation they are in.  They have difficutly understanding how to relate with other child.  When in situations that present uncertainty, and they don't feel comfortable, they will become very controlling.  The more oppositional they are the more incompetent they feel.  If you keep that in mind it is a little easier to understand them.

Good Luck
Bill

[pleshette]

Thanks. I have read SOS but that didn't help. It mainly talks about time out and time out has never worked. I will try Out of Sync Child book. Someone else mentioned about the first year in her life could have been bad. I have met the foster lady which is an elderly lady and she had her since she was 2 days old. So she didn't go from home to home and the house seem pleasant and nice.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is true some of the time that development must run its course a bit to know for sure what is occurring with a child. Your daughter's impulsive behavior and her pleasure seeking are not unusual in young children, though the degree to which she displays these traits is not within the norm for her age. As you have already discerned, it is not her memory that is the problem. It's not that she is unable to remember your instruction to tell the truth. If you were to ask her if you expect her to be truthful, she would undoubtedly tell you that yes, you do expect her to be truthful. But her impulsive behavior predominates. It is very likely, though not possible right now to know for sure, that your daughter's attachment ability has been compromised due to inadequate parenting during her first year of life. When this occurs, children often display impulsive, self-serving behavior, even in the face of logical and persistent consequences. For your part, you can continue to offer stable, sensible parenting, including a systematic program of behavior management. For the details of such a program, read Lynn Clark's book SOS Help for Parents. You will be pleased with the results you achive.

[cnhgilbert]

Hi.  Your daughter sounds like she could have Sensory Processing Disorder.  The only person that can diagnose this is an Occupational Therapist trained in recognizing sensory issues.  I would definitley take her to an OT.  Best of luck!  A good book for you to read is The Out of Sync Child.  Your local library probably has it.