4 Year Old daughter not interested in using potty

[mommorey]

My daughter turned 4 in February of this year, we have been potty training since she turned two (we introduced her to the potty at about 1 1/2). She had potty success with bowel movements first before she would pee. Once we started making progress with the peeing, she stopped pooping, we are at the point where we can get her stay dry; but only with constant reminders to go in and go and sometimes we have to make her go with her protesting all the way.  She will NOT poop on the potty, she goes in her underwear, pull ups and it does not seem to bother her.  I have tried everything.  I personally do not feel comfortable punishing her; but I have tried that as well.  I am constantly trying to figure out our situation, is it because she does not want to stop playing?,is it because she is scared? (she has made comments implying both of those questions above)I have tried telling her that in order to go to school, or dance class etc. she needs to use the potty every time (all of which she says she wants to do). Then I started to question that maybe she does not know when she needs to poop, I asked her if her body tells her when she needs to go and she has answered that with yes and no(not in the same conversation).  My husband says that she has to know because he has caught her squatting and "making the poop face". I am not ignorant I know that if she is squatting and pushing she is well aware of what she is doing and I have brought that to her attention and she will tell you that she wants to go poop on the potty but she can't and when questioned why? She will say that she is scared of poop.  Is that an excuse is it true-I don't know this is driving me crazy. She will tell you that she is a big kid and that babies where diapers and poop in there pants and when I tell her that she still poops in her pants it does not bother her or imbarass her, she is just fine with it.  Now comes my next dilemma with the whole situation, she underwent a sleep eeg today; because our Dr believes that she is either having motor tics or seizures.  Would either one of those diagnosis have an impact on potty training and or the ability to recognize the signals that it is time to go. Her little episodes occur quite often, she does not loose consciousness her eyes roll back and then the eyelid flutters and then she is right back to whatever she was doing before this occured.  She seems to have some other questionable behavior issues for her age, for example she does not interact with other children very well (she will play with her older sister who is 6), in group settings she will with draw and prefers to play by herself, she does not speak as clearly or as often as her sis did at this age (not that I compare the two).  So to sum that all up, Would epilepsy or touretts delay the potty training process or is this a stubborn 4 year old daughter. I want to handle the situation accordingly, is it medical or stubborness that we are dealing with? Thank you for your time & thoughts.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While of course I cannot tell you that there is no medical reason for your daughter's behavior, there is no indication in what you are describing that she has any medical condition that would be instrumental. She just turned four, and there is sub-group of children her age who have not completed toilet training. My suggestion is that you cease all attention to the matter. Keep the potty handy, occasionally read with your daughter one of the many children's books that address the issue, occasionally let her watch a video with the same content. But refrain from engaging with her about this. Let development run its course and she will likely be fine. In regard to the other issues you noted, you might consider having her evaluated by a developmental pediatrician to help gauge her progress in the cognitive, social and emotional domains.

[star queen]

It is common for 4y children to get stubborn about using the toilet even when they train early.  They know when they have to go, but for whatever reason they choose not to.  It sounds like she really likes all the attention she is getting for not going.  Kids like attention and do not care if it is bad or good attention.  What does she like to do best?  Video games, dolls, games, movies?  My suggestion is take the game (or whatever) away from her and tell her that when she goes to the bathroom without having to be told, she can have the item for 30 minutes.  Tell her that only big girls get to use the item and big girls use the toilet.  No toilet, no item.  When she goes, make a big deal about what a big girl she is and give her the item for 30 minutes then take it away.  If she wants the item she will go to the bathroom.  At first it may seem like she doesn't care, but if she likes the item she will eventually go to the bathroom to get it. Then you are on your way.

[Razorbackgal]

I too have a four year old (Oct 2005)who refuses to potty train. She is also not speaking as well as her sister who is 5 did at 4, but she does talk a little. She is not one to play very well with others either, she is a loner so to speak. I am going to switch her from our family doctor to a pediatrician shortly to deal with an issue she has with a lot of pain when she tries to poop. She will cry and scream and cross her legs and squeeze her butt cheeks to avoid pooping due to the pain, but I still do not know what it is, and neither do the doctors I have seen so far. Her former pediatrician sent her to a speech therapist when she was three, but all they did was tick her off, make her cry, and caused her undue stress, so I did not take her back. I would like to have her evaluated by a speech pathologist, but I need to get the other problem fixed first.  Now my 5 year old was a breeze to train. She wanted to go to school this year and she knew she had to go potty by herself before she could, so at 4 she was going with just a little help and by the time she turned 5 she was going all alone.  I think kids are just stubborn sometimes and like to make us worry/crazy with their refusals. I also suppose that this is the one thing besides what goes into their bodies that they feel they can control, but they do not realize sometimes that they need to go potty in order to do the things they really want.  My 4 year old does not really have anything yet she wants to do, so its hard to say that ok you cannot do this until you go potty, but maybe she will soon.  Good luck to you and hang in there. My child has been through so many doctors and ER visits and medications that I think that might be a big part of her problems. She now has a terrible seperation anxiety issue with me where she will not stay with anyone but mommy! She use to stay with her grandma or her daddy with no problem, but since her last ER visit she has been very clingy.

[momalot]

i notice that children who began potty training very early(before two yrs) usually regress at some point. I also have found alot of success in the "big" reward method. have your child pick out a toy or event that she will recieve after mastering the potty, having a goal to work towards.  At first, I thought maybe my child would resort back to soiling pants after recieving their prize but if they do it long enough they naturally prefer the toilet.

[crazyladi99]

My daughter was potty trained at 22 months.  I introduced the potty at 1 yrs old.  Where ever she wanted the potty I left it.  I never pushed her to go.  She would sit there and sit there and nothing.  One day she pee'd and I go so excited.  I went to the school and told them that i thought that she was ready.  so underwear it was.  She did great for months but got an infection than went back to peeing herself.  until she was about 2 1/2 yrs old she stopped. this meant never knowing where she was going to pee, on the couch the chairs the car seat etc.... But i was consistant.  I never put her in pullups because they know that there are like diapers.  They are a gimmick and shouldnt be used for potty training in my opinion.  The night time diapers came off just about a month after she had the peeing down pat.  I told her that there was no more diapers left and that if she had to pee she had to wake up and go. the first night she pe'ed the bed.  Than hasnt since.  I think the biggest thing is constistancy.  Never give up.  I tell you one thing I would never ever want to potty train another child :)  it was like a year of " you pee'ed where?  Poo all over the tv and furniture with smiley faces through it.  Glad its all over thats for sure.

[brindy75]

A related discussion, This for mommorey was started.