4 y/o girl with unusual changes

My four year old daughter was once an outgoing child who loved other kids, going to school, and being independant. She would never give any of her teachers problems, was not afraid of things, liked playing with other kids and very well behaved. In the past two years, she has been traveling different states, spending time with other family members. Because of my financial situations, she took a trip to my mother's who lives with her husband and two sons who are 11 and 13.  She was there for about eight months... the longest she had ever been away from me. My mother gives the kids whatever they want as long as they are not bothering her. So my stepdad would be the one who watched her, discipline her, spend more time with her than my mom. (Which I wasn't informed until she came home.) I was abused by him when and he came on to me sexually when I was 11. He makes passes at me all the time, even in the presence of my mother. She engages and feels that these things are appropriate. Since my daughter has been home, her behavior has been dramatically different. She has been doing things like not listening to adults, spitting in my face, crying a lot, waking up in the middle of the night, scared to be alone, misbehaving at school, and shutting herself off from other kids. (These among other things.) I was wondering should I be afraid that my daugther has been abused (physically or sexually) or is this just normal behavior for a four year old. I don't want to jump to any conclusions. Should I take her to a professional? How should I evaluate this situation? I think about this everytime I look at her. I want to know what is going on in her head. Any advice???

[rebbecca]

sorry to be mean or rude but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, sorry but that had to be done, sorry.
i would have never ever let me child around a child molester period. and for your mom to stay with him, you have a BIG HEART because i would have disowned her for staying with him.
i would also like to say i am truely sorry for what happened to you when you were 11. i was molested my my moms bf when i was 3. so i can relate to what you are going though.
i would get your daughter to the dr asap! it wouldnt hurt to get her a therpist.
you have evry right to jump to conclusions after what he has done to you. if i was you i would talk to your mom about all of this. and please dont let your little girl ever go back to that house.

please dont be mad at me i was just in shock of your post, i do wish you and your little girl the best of luck, and please protected your little girl because your all she has.

Also i know what your going though with your daughter, my son was 3-6 when his aunt was molesting him, and she made it out to be a game. my son is now 8 and he has a up hill battle for the rest of his life, but he always knows that know matter what i am and always will be by his side supporting him.

[RockRose]

I think you should take her to a child psychologist right now,  one who specializes in trauma and abuse.  

And honestly,  I think you should be prepared for the possibility that  you might lose custody of her for purposely sending her to live with a man you know is a sexual abuser.  That's the cycle,  unbelievably,  sexually abused girls grow up and often offer their daughters up to the same exact abuser that abused the mother.

She needs help,  and you need to be prepared for what might happen legally to you.

And don't ever,  ever get her around someone you know for a fact is interested in sex with little girls.

[jd1419]

If you knew your mothers husband assualted you and you sent your defenseless daughter there---you would deserve to lose custody of this little girl---What were you thinking send a lamb into the lions den.  
Go to the doctors and get everything documented.  What is going on in her head if she was assaulted is that her mommy did not protect her and know she does not feel safe.  On the chance that she was not assaulted--she may still feel like she is not protected or loved by her mommy when you keep sending her away.  Unless you have some major physical or mental problems taht require hospital stays--you need to always keep your daughter with you.

[hopefulin07]

I respect everyone's comments,but I love my child enough to know that I was not financally stable enough to meet her needs. As far as her being passed around, her relatives lives all over the U.S. because of a natural disater. I was hospitalized at the time she was sent to my mother. No one else wanted to help me out. I am alone in the state that I live and had no other resources. I had no where else to send her but to my mother. Thank you for your comments and advice, but to assume that I dont care for my child is unreal. I could not take care of her at the time, being on a sick bed with no income at all. My utilities were going to be cut off, I was getting evicted and I have no car. Sending her away was the last thing I wanted to do. I am not looking for compassion, I was looking for advice. So if you have none, keep your comments to yourself...

[Kellogg03]

Dear hopefulin07,

I can understand the harsh situation you are facing. We, as parents would NEVER do anything to intentionally put our children in harms way. I, myself, stay home with my girls, because I am fortunate enough to have a husband who works hard. I am very vigilant about who my children are around.
When it comes to your financial situation, couldn't you have found temporary care with ANYONE else?? When you were released from the hospital, maybe you could have asked to talk to a social worker to see what your options were. There may have been help out there for you and your precious daughter. There still is.
I was sexually molested between the ages of 8-9. I can definitely relate to the nightmares, not wanting to be alone, and feeling ashamed...like everyone KNEW I did something wrong. My advice to you is to do whatever you can- and there is help out there. Get your daughter physically examined by the ER. There probably aren't any physical indications of abuse if its been any lentgh of time, so you could pass on that. It IS invasive and usually has to be reported to child and family services, which could put more pressure on your family situation. Another option would be to talk to your daughter alone. But don't sit her down and declare a lecture. Get her while she's playing, and make it a non-chalant conversation. You could start off by asking her if she missed you while you were away? Build up slowly, watching for cues from her such as nervousness, silence, sudden change in interest in the topic. We know our children best. You should have confidence in yourself to bring your daughter out of whatever is stuck in her brain... but just know...kids ARE very resiliant...she'll be ok.

[Kellogg03]

Oh, what state are you in? Just curious.

[Kellogg03]

Hello again. I, too, am in Ohio. NE area, Carroll County...Carrollton city.
What city/county are you in???

[Trialanderror]

I would definitely get her to a child psychologist. And even if nothing evil has happened, she may be acting that way because as a 4-year-old she would never understand why she had been sent away. When I was around 3, I was sent to my grandparents` house 800 miles away, only for 3 weeks, and I believe I had forever lost trust in my parents because I did not understand if I would ever see them again. My 5-year-old was recently in great despair because he felt "shipped off" for just some extra 4 hours per week for me to work some overtime. When his grandma explained that mommy needs to make money to afford the car, the house, obviously he had no understanding but just got the message that money is more important than him. He started destroying things that were dear to himself, almost like self-destructive behavior. I`m only mentioning this to say that the child`s attachment is a fragile building. See if you can get some help in re-establishing this bond but mainly make sure that nothing happened to her. Best of luck!

[stepmom1]

Time to step up to the parenting plate, file charges against your mother's husband (both for abusing you and then, more than likely, your daughter.  Stop giving excuses and take action.

[resinedtolife]

I'm sorry to hear about your abuse and i can understand your reasons for sending your daughter to your mothers house but i feel you need to confront your mother about your abuse and let her know that you are disappoiunted in her for not fulfilling her duties as a mother and a grandmother . You left your daughter in her care not anyone elses. I read all the other replies and was saddened by the response you got you are already going through hell and the last thing you need is someone judging and condemning you. I feel you need to talk to your daughter about her stay at grandmas house but be careful how you word it and any questions should be open ended so that she is answering honestly instead of how she thinks you want her to answer.It is easy for people to condemn others but until they are in the same situation they should be less judgemental.
I hope everything goes well for both you and your daughter.