4 year old aggressiveness

[cha1972]

My son just turned 4 at the end of August. He has been having behavioral issues at school and home. He will not listen most of the time. Time out does not phase him. We try the timer and also taking away things he enjoys. He is working on potty training but usually will not go unless we tell him to potty every 2 hours. He was doing really well at this till the past month. The daycare says he shoves others, hits, screams, and tears things off the walls. We really try to give him LOTS of postive attention as well especially when he is good or does something good. He acts as if he does not comprehend when we ask him to tell us when he has to potty or that it is not nice to hit, scream, etc... He gets so mad he clinches his fists and shakes all over and his face turns beet red. We have an appointment with a child psychologist at the end of October(first one we could get). I am afraid I am going to end up in the pscyh unit if something does not change soon.  Any help or suggestions are more than welcomed!!!

[margypops]

You question why he is throwing dirt in the air perhaps because he had nothing else to do ,so it could be the school is not stimulating the children just good old fashioned being bored behavior. Doesn't have to be structured learning just some reading, some games.Are you able to observe what they actually do there ?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Ah, 4 year olds can be so charming, can't they?  I've lived through 2 of them.  

I know what it feels like to dread what you'll hear that day from school/day care.  I've been there.  My older son has sensory integration disorder that was diagnosed when he was 4.  He had trouble with being volatile as your son does.  He had trouble making good choices as his impulses seemed to rule.  He had trouble with focus. His peer interaction wasn't great.  Etc.  I want you to do me a favor and just look sensory up---  there is a site called 'sensory processing disorder' which gives really good information on it.  I ask you to do this because a few things you ring ring a bell (one thing, for example, is that things are tougher at school than at home for him).  More information in these cases is always best.  And I will tell you that if sensory issues are behind this-------- this is a GOOD thing.  We've had tremendous luck turning things around for my son.

So look that up and see what you think.  Until then, here are some suggestions-------
Physical activity is the key to a controlled nervous system.  I would try to increase whatever he is doing as much as possible.  Take him to the park every day if possible and let him hang off monkey bars, climb the structures, jump, run, swing, roll down hills and run back up, skip, kick a soccer ball, etc.  Sign him up for swim lessons (the perfect calming activity)----  we do an indoor Y in the colder months.  Run laps around the house.  Play physical games.  Fill up a laundry basket with weighted items and have him pull or push it along the floor.  Have him carry a bag of books.  Write on a dry erase board and let him erase it.  Do a game where he goes to a wall and pushes against it as hard as he can----  call it push over.  Have him lay on the floor and place pillows on him and gently push down.  He'll either love this or hate it but he sounds like he is seeking sensory input (from some things you said, I pulled this out).  He'll like that soothing deep pressure and it is very calming to the nervous system.  Before school-------- give him a thick piece of bubble gum to chew (spit it out before he gets out of the car).  Blow bubbles with the old fashioned bubble blowers.  I have a way to make your own if you need it (it is a fun project).  So, amp up these activities as they are often key to a child's behavior.

Volatility------  sometimes kids do not know how to handle their emotions.  I would go to the library and get lots of books written for kids on emotions and read them.  Talk about these emotions he has in kid language.  My son referred to being angry as a tornado for a while and in a bad mood as a storm cloud was moving in.  Then talk to him about WHAT he can do with these emotions.  The key is to get him to slow down and not be so fast to react but to think first.  So, give him strategies such as giving himself a big hug (deep pressure), opening and closing his fists tightly, going to a cool down spot (set it up with the teacher in the classroom) where no one can talk to him and he doesn't talk to anyone for a moment while he gets himself calmed down (enclosed areas are good for this such as a pop up tent, under a table, or use a bean bag or rocking chair), using his words to tell a teacher or talk to his friend about why he is mad, counting to 10, etc.  Act it out for him.  Kids like this visual------- and make it funny.  Do things the wrong way first and then do them the right way.

There is a series of books I like and one in it called "hands are not for hitting".  Read this to him to help understand that we do not lay our hands on our friends.  I would socialize with him one on one with another child.  You be very hands on and help guide him through the social situation. Keep it brief----  an hour or two at the most.

I would back off of potty training for now.  He'll get there------------ don't worry.  Start again in a month.  good luck

[cha1972]

The behavior has been going on since earlier this year. It has just escalated at school. He did go to a different class with new kids and a new teacher. Of course this is a church daycare and it is only 4 hours a day so it is more like a mothers morning out place. But still I am afraid if he goes to a real daycare with structured learning, he will not do well there either.They are more concerned about the kids being good almost all of the time. He likes one teacher he has and is really good for her. Its like today at daycare. They put him in time out because he threw dirt. Not at anyone but was throwing it in the air. I asked if he was mad and they said no but he should not be playing in dirt?? I wonder if he needs a change in schools or would that make it worse.  Thanks for your comments.

[margypops]

there is no doubt it is good to get help as you are doing with a child psychologist when one needs to ..I am wondering if the emphasis on potty training is causing the upset, it could be possible there is a lot of pressure on him in regards to the toilet training .I would say, take a step back, lessen the pressure, reduce the stress..on all of you .When he is in day care thats up to them to control what happens , he may be bored ,do they stimulate the children enough he should not be in the position to hit other children , so I question the schools ability As I said take that step back into quietness, and walk in his shoes ....