4 year old anxiety over pooping in toilet?

[camommycp]

My very smart, strong willed daughter is fully potty trained when it comes to pee, even during naps and overnight, but will NOT poop on the toilet. I have tried EVERYTHING... stickers, gifts, taking away "four year old" toys and acitivities b/c she is not acting like a four year old by using pullups, cutting a hole in the pull up, hanging out with other little girls who go on the potty, making her clean herself up, etc. Last week, she accidentally let a little poop slip out of her while she was peeing and was so excited about it!  I, too, was excited and asked her to do it again and she did!  It was great!  She pooped all day the next day, little bits here and there and everything was so great we took her to a special dinner at her favorite place (a few months ago we told her that only four year olds who pooped on the potty were allowed to play there) and when we got home she said "I'm not going to poop on th epotty anymore. I'm scared" and she hasnt done it since.  I told her the pullups were gone and she has not pooped since Monday, refusing to go in the toilet, saying she is scared and it wont come out.  What am I supposed to do here?!?!?!  I am at my wits end and my almost three year old son is now acting scared of the toilet while I am trying to potty train him.  

Should I have her see someone about this?  I know that my frustration is not helping, but its very hard for me to hide it or control it.  I dont want to make the situation any worse than it is, but I feel like I am.  My husband is so much more patient than I when it comes to this, but he works all the time and I am home with the kids everyday.  She is not in preschool and could care less what other kids are doing.   When she sits on the toilet, its like she convinces herself that she cant do it.  She works it up so much in her head that she almost freaks out... I have no idea how to help her become less anxious about this.

[jiw25]

My son was exactly the same.  In fact, I don't think he finally pooped on the toilet til he was 5.  He has lots of anxiety issues in general, and pooping in the toilet was just something that caused a lot of anxiety.  We tried EVERYTHING.  We offered toys, vacations, candy, etc.  Nope, he wouldn't do it for anything in the world.  Finally I heard an idea to make him sit on the toilet while wearing the diaper while he pooped.  That way he got used to sitting there, but still had the comfort of the diaper.  Then, I cut a slit in the back of the diaper and as he pooped, the poop fell through into the toilet.  At first he was shocked and worried, but then realized it was ok.  We did this for a couple weeks til he was willing to go in the toilet without the diaper on.  And now he's 7 and no problems in that area.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I don't want to be too hard on you, but it really isn't suitable for you to say that you understand how important it is to maintain your equanimity and then not do so. You're an adult and it's very important that you exercise self control in this regard. Your daughter does not need to see someone about this. It's a developmental issue that can be handled within the family. One thing you might want to consder is having her attend a pre-school program. The peer contact will encourage her. You should confer with her pediatrician, because she is becoming constipated by not moving her bowels for this many days. The doctor may put her on a regimen of stool softener, and that might actually help the entire process. But do not proceed down that route on your own - do it only with medical guidance. Also, take a look at our Archives because you may find some helpful points from other parents who have faced this issue.